Pillow Cases

2012-01-31T11:01:00.001+08:00

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Life As We Know It

2012-01-30T08:58:00.001+08:00

Moving on. Changes. Adjustments.

Now I understand why some people refuse to grow up. Hindi pala kasi ganun kadali. Hindi ganun kadali tanggapin ang mga pagbabago.

This year started very much differently for me. For one, I now have a different surname. Nasanay akong apat na letra lang ang apelyido ko. Ngayon walo na. Ang haba na kapag kailangang isulat ang complete name. At hanggang ngayon may identity crisis pa ako. Dahil ang lahat ng valid ID ko ay kailangan kong baguhin.

Siyempre iba na rin ang sitwasyon now that we are living in Pasig. Bagong lokal, bagong set up. Well, for me kasi dahil dun naman ako lumaki, medyo hindi malaki iyong adjustments. I just have to live by the rules again. Kailangan maayod ang lahat. Dapat ganito, dapat ganyan. The very same rules I ran away from a few years back.

Ang major adjustment talaga ay ang husband ko. Minsan nga nagiguilty ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi I took away half of his life. I took him away from his family. Alam ko naman kasi how much he loves his siblings. Something I cannot fully understand because I grew up unattached to my own siblings. I took him away from his friends.

Umuwi kami kagabi ng Galas to celebrate the birthday of one of his best buds. Lumabas kami kasama ang mga kagrupo niya dati sa church namin. And he was extremely happy. I could feel it. I could feel how much he misses them. And I know how hard it was for him to let go of something that makes him happy.

Ipinagpapasalamat ko na lang talaga na walang baggage ang asawa ko. He is motr emotionally stable than I am. Kaya niyang kontrolin ang nararamdaman niya in a positive way. He finds simple pleasures as a source of happiness.

Ako kasi very sentimental. I am simply satisfied with the way things are na kapag binago mo iyon, talagang mangangap ako. I have hard time letting go of things. Kagaya ngayon. I couldn't help but feel sad with all the changes. I terribly miss the good old times. I miss my friends here. I miss the old me here.

And yes, I miss Lola. Iyong bahay namin sa Pasig reminds me of her every freaking day. It saddens me. It somehow kinda give me a hard time to move on. Hindi naman kasi ganun kadali kalimutan ang taong naging bahagi ng buhay mo. This is a terrible.heartbreak. At hindi ko alam how long before my heart could recover.

Gusto kong manahimik, magmukmok sa isang tabi. I want to give myself a time to mourn. Just like I always do.nung bata pa ako. I would stay stuck at some place alone to think or clear my head. Find myself and be at peace with it.

Pero ngayon, that time seems to be a luxury. I need to be back on the grind. Back in a rat race were you seem to be running endlessly all day. You deal with people so unkind and so evil yet appears to be kind and evil. And this time, I do not have the right to feel exhausted. Wala akong karapatang magreklamo. Giving up is not even an option. Kasi I am trying to build a family.

Isa pa yan. I am slowly getting stressed out because of my freaking biological clock. No mattet how much I reason out to myself na hindi pa time, it still breaks my heart every time I stare at that single purple line. It mocks me. It makes me feel dysfunctional. It makes me futile. Sasabayan pa ng mga tanong ng mga tao. Alam ko excited din kayo. Eh di lalo naman ako. Nakakadagdag lang sa gravity ng frustration kapag may nagtanong ang I will hear their disappointed tone of reply kahit pa pabiro.

Ayoko sana paapekto sa lahat ng ito. Pero may mga pagkakataong hindi ko maiwasan na maapektuhan. Every body seemed to have been going through this stage in their life. Bakit sa meron? Bakit ako wala?

Hay... Isang malalim na buntung-hininga.

Dati iniisip ko were would I be give years from now. This sure is a different position from were I was five years ago, when I was young and wild and free. Dati I was lookinh forward to my career as a writer. That I would be up on a hill enjoying the full view of the city writing with my heart out. That I would be making stories that would make the whole world laugh and cry.

Five years later, I am here inside an estranged room, with a view of the linoleum covered floor trying to write a blog entry using my Andoid smartphone because I had been blocked off from the wifi connection in this house. I am writing an entry that speaks of frustrations on how much I wanted to have a baby.

Five years ago, wala akong boyfriend at walang balak na humanap. I am resigned to the fact that I would be a spinster writing about heartbreaks. I was partying at Boracay wity friends.

Five years later, I am now married and planning on things like having a baby, buying a car, buying a house, putting up my own business and becoming a housewife.

Hindi ko naman pinagsisihan how my life turned out right now. Sobrang thankful nga ako for havinh found the love of my life and that I would have someone to grow old with me. It is just the growing old part that I am scared of. And yes, my fingers are still crossed. I still have a long road ahead of me. And it still is one heck of a ride!

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P-O-S-E-R

2012-01-28T14:12:00.001+08:00

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit merong mga taong sadyang papampam. Iyon bang nagpapakamatay makakuha ng atensyon. Gagawin ang lahat, sasabihin ang lahat, mapansin lang ng tao. Iyon bang kailangan alam ng ibang tao lagi ang bawat kilos nila.
In the social networking age, these people are known as posers. Magpopost ng kung anu-ano sa wall na kesyo ganito ang ginagawa nila, nasa ganito silang lugar, may bago silang ganito or wala lang. Basta lang kung anu-anong ipopost na status at pictures. Bawat kibot, bawat galaw ipopost. Kailangang ipaalam sa tao na nag-breakfast na sila, nag-lunch, nag-dinner...all those normal stuff that normal people do and that normal people doesn't give a damn about. It is all just a waste of space in cyberspace. Pampadagdag traffic lang sa mabagal na ngang traffic ng hits sa Facebook.

Meron naman kasi that posts photos of travels and special occasions in life to share to friends and relatives lalo na kung nasa abroad iyong ibang kamag-anak. Meron naman kasi na ang purpose eh para makapagyabang lang. Nakakainis lang kasi nafa-flood ang wall mo ng kung anu-anong post.

Meron pa nga away ng kabit at asawa sa Facebook. Gumawa ng pseudo account sa Facebook ang bitter na asawa na nakapangalan sa kabit ng asawa niya. Nagpopost ng photos at comments na puro paninira sa kabit. Public display of cheapness and lack of mental stability. Nabubuhay sa bitterness and she wants the whole world to know.

Nakakapikon kasi minsan iyong mga taong parang bawat segundo eh nagpopost ng ginagawa nila. Iyong parang kulang na lang pati pag-utot nila i-post sa Facebook. Tapos kapag may nagcomment sa kanila, sabay magpapatweetums at magpapahumble effect. O kaya naman ay magagalit kapag may bumasag sa trip nila.

Guilty rin naman ako sa pagpopost sa Facebook. Kasi nga di ba outlet din iyon. Pero kasi naging major commodity na ang Facebook sa cyberspace. Pati nga blogging sites eh. So expect na talagang anything you post in here, eh for public consumption. Kaya lang maging responsible naman din sana.

O kaya kung poser ka, wag kang pikon kapag may nag-comment sa iyo ng hindi maganda. Pinost mo kasi ang post na yan. Pangatawanan mo. Faceboo, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger, Wordpress...lahat yan outlet natin. Lahat yan means of communication and self expression. Pero wag mapipikon kung may mga haters. Kasi you cannot please everybody.

Kung ayaw mo ng bad comment or kung ayaw mong may mambasag ng trip mo, keep these things to yourself. Wag mo na lang i-post. Do not wash your dirty laundry in public. Lalo na kung hindi ka naman artista, pulitiko or sikat na personality. Kung hindi ka naman din kagandahan di ba? Nagsasayang ka lang net time sa mga walang kwentang bagay. Try mo na lang mag-research ng something intellectual. Para tumaas naman ng kaunti ang IQ level mo.

After NBSB Part 2

2012-01-25T12:34:00.000+08:00

I was re-reading this post. Lumabas kasi siya as one of my popular post. Popular kasi marami ang nakakarelate. Popular kasi marami ang nagbigay ng comment.

Habang binabasa ko ito, nangingiti na lang ako. This blog was written during the time when I first entered into a relationship and break my NBSB spell. Oo. My husband is my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We were each other's first. Pareho kaming NBSB or rather in his case, NGSB.

The first year of our relationship was a major adjustment period. Kapaan mode. Paano ba ang may jowa? Should we be holding hands in public? Should we be texting each other all the time? Should we have a couple's shirt? Should we be celebrating monthsaries all the time? Big deal ba dapat kapag nakalimutan ang batiin ang isa't isa on special occasions? Should we be present on family events?

We have been together for three years before we tied the know. Nakakatawang balikan iyong mga panahong puno pa ako ng doubts. Iyong negative pa ang pananaw ko sa love and relationship. Iyong feeling ko, hindi lahat ng fairy tale ay nagkakatotoo. Well, hanggang ngayon naman I still believe that fairy tales are just in Disney films. Kasi kung ireresearch mo ang original version ng mga fairy tales na iyan, morbid ang kinalabasan. Halatang isinulat ng mga sawi at bigo sa love.

Maski naman si Valentino na siyang nagpasimula ng Valentine's Day had a sad love story. Every one of us will have a sad story to tell. Either broken heart or broken dreams. Life and love will always have their own share of mistakes that would break us. Sa iba, ang isang heartbreak lasts forever. Na tipong buong buhay nila ay puno na ng pait at nagalit na sila sa buong mundo.

Sa iba naman, tila yata nakatira ng Epidural dahil manhid sa lahat ng sakit at walang kadala-dala. Well, siguro iyong ang epekto ng trauma nila kaya kung makipagrelasyon ay para lang nagpapalit ng damit o sapatos. Ayaw nang magseryoso sa buhay.

Pero one thing is for sure. Love changes you. Choice mo na iyon kung for the good or the bad. Kung gusto mong papaghariin ang bitterness sa buhay mo at maging Ampalaya Queen, nasa iyo iyon. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko. It wouldn't hurt to have a little faith. Faith in people. Faith in love. Faith in God. It wouldn't hurt na maging masaya ka minsan sa buhay mo. Yes, there will be heartbreaks. But there is always a happy ending. Kung hindi ka happy ngayon, ibig sabihin, hindi pa iyan ang ending ng story mo. Climax pa lang iyan. Hindi kasi pelikula iyang buhay mo. Teleserye iyan. Matagal ang ending. May book 2, 3, 4 and forth and so on. At pwede pang magkaron ng revival.

'Till Death Do Us Part

2012-01-25T11:18:00.000+08:00

My skepticism about love probably have rooted from my own family. Being a product of a broken family, I lost my faith in marriage. As a child, it became more understandable to me that marriage is just but a piece of paper. With my own parents, my uncles and aunts all breaking up like they haven't been married for years and treating each other like strangers, it was so easy for me to conclude that relationships aren't meant to last.

Having to find my own true love changes everything I believed in. When I met my husband, all the skepticism and doubts was suddenly swept away. And yes, there is really a love that lasts forever.

As I look at the last days of my lola's meaningful life, I again had the reaffirmation of everlasting love. All the hardships and pain that Lola went through during her final days, Lolo was there as her side. He was literally at her side attending to all her needs. Lola, being bed ridden, couldn't much but nod her head, call out someone to help her eat, drink, clean up and even pee. I can feel her frustration for she was so used of taking care of others. Now, it was her turn to be taken cared of.

Until her final breath, it was Lolo who remained by her side. I can feel the heartbreaking lost every time I would look into his eyes these days. Lolo and Lola didn't have the perfect marriage. They had their share of fights and arguments. I was witness to all of it. They could have parted ways long ago. But Lolo opted to stay. I know he say it a lot and I know the mistakes he had committed in the past. But I know he redeemed himself by showing more in his actions than any husband could ever do to his wife.

I stand in awe and admiration. I want a love like this. A love that even death can't end.

Paluto and Adobo Connection

2012-01-24T17:25:00.000+08:00

Allen and I tried out a new place during this long weekend. We went to Marikina Riverbanks' outdoor grill with the view of the river and the delectable taste of "paluto" specials. We had chicken barbecue, sizzling shrimps in butter sauce and stuffed pusit grilled to tenderness. While the cooking is just like that of any ordinary ihaw-ihaw joint, I enjoyed the buttered shrimp the most. Nothing more special about the rest of the delicacies. They offer the same stuff that Dampa at Farmers and Aling Tonyang's has to offer. Except that their price are much more reasonable that those two "paluto" place. Larshan in Cebu still tops my list of grilled and barbecued menu. Unfortunately, my camera ran out of batteries so I didn't have the chance for a photo op.

That was one of the most enjoyable dinner dates that Allen and I had. Simple pero rock. We didn't even have to dress up for it. We were just in shorts and shirts since Marikina is just ten minutes away from our house in Pasig. We have long been planning to do that Marikina thing if not only for it being far away from Quezon City. But now that we live nearer the place, we finally got the chance to do it.Yey!

The following day, we went back to Galas for a short visit. We first stopped by SM Centerpoint to have some stuff photocopied at Copytrade. While waiting for the bulk documents to be photocopied, we had lunch at Adobo Connection. We wanted to try something new and find a place not so crowded that is why we opted to dine here.

As the name goes, they serve different variety of adobo. This dish have become my favorite since Allen cooks a very delicious version of it. I ordered Kuya's Adobo and Allen ordered Adobo Flakes. The set meal is priced at Php 99.00 pesos which includes a serving of rice, egg for the adobo flakes and a small glass of iced tea.


Kuya's Adobo and Adobo Flakes lunch meal

The taste of their adobo is just ordinary. Like the typical lutong bahay. Nothing special. And for me, nothing still beats my husband's own adobo recipe. The servings aren't that great either. So if you are really hungry and craving for a monstrous meal, this menu is not for you. The adobo flakes were good and crunchy. But because it is so dry, you would be wanting something liquified to complement the dry taste. The flakes also tends to become salty when it gets cold. So strike while the iron is hot.

Kuya's Adobo was boiled down to the oil and the tasted really sink deep into the pork and chicken meat. But just like I said, the taste is ordinary. There is nothing special about it. I expected more and I was disappointed. I thought Adobe Connection will surprise me with their own signature adobo taste. But I guess, I kept my hopes too high.

Adobe Connection at SM Centerpoint

As for the place, it has a cozy, homy interiors of crafted wood. But because their area was just small, all the elegant interiors seemed squeezed in to fit the area. This kinda takes away the restaurant experience and brings you back into fastfood reality. But the place was clean, no oil or grease on their vacant tables. The service...I can't say it's bad. But the staff could be a little more friendlier. More Pinoy since I think, that is what their restaurant's selling point.

There is just one tiny boo-boo...

They served my adobo in a chipped plate. For me, chipped chinaware is a no-no. If I shall pay for a meal, I expect it to be presented to me decently. Otherwise, I could have just eaten in a nearby carinderia and get the same taste of adobo with a bigger serving at a lesser price.

1st bithday, 4th monthsary and 40 days

2012-01-13T12:55:00.001+08:00

Occasions with numbers. Post Its here...Post Its there...

Four months of marriage. Wow! And we're rockin' and rolling. We are both still playing house, juggling our time together with work, family and church. We are now currently on adjustment period since we've already moved to my lolo's house in Pasig.

Everything is kinda new for Allen so I was like trying to ease up everything for him. Hopefully we could get through all of these adjustment stuff so we could focus on more concrete plans for the future. And just like any special event, what's a celebration without good food. So we decided to indulge into a death-defying dinner at Chic-Boy Banawe branch.

It actually feels great to be able to tell my stories with photos now. Thanks to the Android world that makes mobile life more convenient for me.

Tomorrow, is is day 40 of Lola's passing. And I have no choice but to give in to traditions as my folks prepares for the event. I don't really have an idea of what goes at that event but my folks clearly required my presence since I am a member of the family. This is the reason why I can't go to Shey's 1st birthday party.

Shey is my friend She's daughter. Well, as if the name didn't give it a way. I'll be missing a semi-reunion party because some old friends from college will be dropping by with their kids. They are gonna kill me for using that adjective. Well, I guess we're old enough to have kids of our own. It's been a while since I have been with them and that would be my first time to their kids and yes, the first time that the kids are gonna party together.

Oh, well, since I didn't have a kid of my own yet, so I guess that party isn't really for me. Sourgraping.

I am keeping my fingers crossed though. That hopefully, I would have my own bundle of joy soon. Insert husband here.

The subscriber cannot be reached!

Memories of Lola

2012-01-06T13:11:00.001+08:00

My cousin Tricia posted this on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. These were the days. When we were all innocent little kids who used to believe in Santa Claus and would always get excited on what special treat would he give us on Christmas Eve.

When we were young, my cousins and I would be spending the whole night waiting for Noche Buena where we would trade gifts and brag about it. There would always be a competition on who gets the best gift and who gets the highest money gift. Me, being the eldest grandchild, always seem to win on the money part since my generous uncles and aunts would shy away from giving me loose change and would always flap out that crispy one hundred peso bill out of their wallets.

And comes the food. Yes, the good food. Courtesy of our good old Lola who would be spending the whole day perfecting her morcon, embotido, halaya, kaldereta, menudo, barbecue, etc. Our charcoal-fueled stove would be busy as early as lunch for all of Lola's cooking.

The merriment of the event faded as the kids grow older. We all went on our separate ways. Some migrated to Canada. Other families broke up and left a gap that even Christmas couldn't repair. I for one, stopped celebrating Christmas, although no regret on that part. I don't miss the occasion itself. I miss the people that normally comes together during these times of the year.

And yes, I miss Lola. Her passing marked the end of this joyous event. For we can never replicate everything again with her missing in the scene.

I love you so much, Lola and I terrible miss you.

CLOSING TIME

2011-12-23T09:49:00.001+08:00

…every new beginning comes from some other beginnings’ end

My song of the moment. The song that struck what is inside my heart right now. As I look at what’s left of my 2011, flashes of events that came into my life come into my life.

Lola

her sufferings for the year. Her colostomy operation that kept her at the hospital for two weeks. That was the most tiring Holy Week we had and the saddest birthday I had ever had.

Then I look back to time I was crying on my wedding day. I was bidding my goodbye to her as I leave our house. Ayaw niyang umiyak. She scolds me for crying. Pinipigil daw talaga niya ang luha niya. Then she wishes me great things. She wishes me happiness and I cried even more. Naalala ko pa ng lumabas ako ng pinto. I was leaving them behind. Sila ni lolo. And it pains my heart that on that very important day in my heart, the most important people, my lolo and my lola, couldn’t be there to see me walk down the aisle. Iyong pangarap kong si Lolo ang maghatid sa akin sa kasal ko ay hindi naganap. But I was thankful. Because they still saw me in my wedding dress. The fulfillment of their every dream for me.

And now that Lola is gone, I sure wish I had become the “apo” she’s always wanted me to be. I wish she felt the fulfillment. All those years of taking care of me. Graduation after graduation. Christmas after Christmas. New Year after New Year. She had painstakingly tend to all our needs. And yes, who could ever forget the good food? No one can ever forget that. All the people who have visited our house for all the years of her existence would never ever forget that. The magic of her hands on the food she cooks.

I will forever miss Lola. There will always be an empty space inside my heart. Especially during this season. By this time, she would have been busy cooking embotido and halaya as preparation for Noche Buena. She would even cook morcon and all her trademark dishes. I wish I can replicate that. I wish I can replicate the taste. But there could only be one.

Hindi ko kayang sabihin lahat ng laman ng puso ko. Hindi ko kayang i-express kung gaano ako kalungkot. Nobody really knows how much pain I have in this heart. There are times I wish manhid na lang ako. That I would never feel this way. But I can’t. Hindi ko kaya. Sandaling kakalimutan ko pero may moments pa rin sa utak ko na nagrereplay siya.

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko mararamdaman ito. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kalian ako magiging ganito. Pero hindi ko alam ang sagot sa tanong ko. How I wish I do

Allen

The love of my life. My shelter, my refuge. My source of happiness and hope. I will be forever grateful for him. The greatest blessing I have received this year. My loving husband.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin ang lahat ng pinagdadaanan ko ngayon if not for him. And now that marriage binds us as one, I now cannot imagine my life without him. The years that would come with him always by my side. Mabilis lang iyon. And I want to cherish every bit of him.

Lolo and Lola were blessed with those years. And I stand witness how they weathered all the storms. They literally grow old with each other. The picture of unconditional love. Love, commitment and sacrifice until the very end. I wanted that. That was my dream. That was my tall order. Kaya nga siguro inabot ng ganito katagal bago ko naisipan i-commit ang sarili ko sa isang tao.

Then came Allen. And all my questions were answered. Alam kong nagsisimula pa lang kami at marami pa kaming pagdadaanan. I hope the love never fades. And most of all, the faith continues to flame.

I hope I would be able to perform my role well. As well as Lola does. That is such a great expectation to fill in. To be like Lola. That is a tall order….venti pa nga kung sa Starbucks ka oorder.

Lolo

Now I have lolo and Tita too. Si Lolo. Ang tumayong tatay ng buhay ko. I never blamed my parents for their lack of participation in my life. I never felt any anger. Oo minsan may konting panunumbat. Pero tuwing maiisip ko how my life turned out now, thankful na rin ako.

Siguro ang pinakatamang desisyon na ginawa nila ay ang ibigay at iwan ako kina Lolo at Lola. The best and most appropriate people to stand in as my parents. They have been my parents and yes, I have been their child, more than their own children. I was their second shot at parenting. Pagkakataon para itama lahat ng naging mali nila bilang magulang sa mga anak nila.

I can’t say they did it perfectly. They had their flaws. I had my flaws. Pero after everything. Thirty years later, I begged to agree with the cliché: Maiintindihan mo lang ang lahat ng ginagawa ng magulang mo kapag matanda ka na. No matter how cruel, how unfair, how unreasonable they all may seem nung bata pa ako, lahat ng paghihigpit, lahat ng pressures, lahat ng pangaral…they were all for my own sake. Para nga sa ikabubuti ko. And yes, as cliché as it may seem, papunta pa lang ako, pabalik na sila. I totally agree.

2012

…every new beginning comes from some other beginnings’ end

And I’ll say my little prayer. I pray that…

…that God would be kind enough to entrust us with a child to complete our family;

…that God continues to shower my family and our home with blessings no matter how hard the times had become;

…that God would always keep our family and all my loved ones safe from harm amidst all the calamities in this world;

…that God would always give my family and all the people I loved good health;

... that God continues to give us the chance to serve Him;

…that God continues to keep our faith alive and would always give us hope especially in times of trials;

… that God would call on my whole family so we can share the faith and serve Him together in His true church; and

…that God would always give me peace in my mind and heart so that I would be able to conquer all the challenges that would come my way.

Good Customer Service

2011-12-03T09:28:00.001+08:00

Naghahanap ako sa Sulit site ng ads ng nagbebenta ng scooter. At ito ang nakita ko:

RACAL MOTORCYCLES & SCOOTERS

FOR SALE & FOR FINANCING!..

BACOOR CAVITE BRANCH

JAN PO KAU MAG AAPPLY HINDI PWDE SA IBANG BRANCH

1 DAY LANG OR ON D SPOT MAKUKUHA AGAD UNIT

NOW FOR AS LOW AS 1K DOWN, 1K/MO.

PAKIBASA PO MUNA

sa mga babasa, wag po magalit if tinatamaan po sa ads na i2

prangkahan lng po kc madami puro inquire lng at ilan beses txt at tawag

sakin e d nmn tlga mag aaply at kulang requirement or ung iba wala pera..,

kung kau sa kalagayan q maiinis din kau sa ugaling ganyan db??.,

aq po kc at ung friends q kinukumpleto muna requirements at pera.., kung kulang or wala e hindi muna kmi mag iinquire kc naiinis lng ung ahente samin..,

WAG PO INQUIRE PAG WALA PA PERA PANGDOWN

WAG PO MAG INQUIRE PAG KULANG OR LALO IF WALA PO REQUIREMENTSSA 2NDHAND NA 1K TO 2K LNG, WAG ASK IF ANU AVAILABLE,IF ANU LNG MAKITA U SA SHOWROOM NA 2NDHAND UN LNG PO AT D MASASABI ANU AVAILABLE AT MAGKANO KC DEPENDE PO UN PAG 2NDHAND

WAG HUMINGI NG PICS AT UUTUSAN PA AQ EMAIL, PUNTA PO KAU RACAL IF INTERESADO TLG AT MAY KAPASIDAD PO

CONTACT NYO LNG AQ PAG PUPUNTA NA NG RACAL AT READY NA KUMUHA AT MAG APPLY,,.

WAG PO INQUIRE KUNG D KAU PWDE PUMUNTA Sa bacoor CAVITE branch,

IF ALAM NYO NA MALAYO PO KAU AT D KAU PWDE MAG APPLY D2 WAG NA PO MANG ABALA NA INQUIRE

WAG NA WAG GAWIN WINDOW SHOPPING ANG ADS Q..,

SIKAP AT TYAGA PO MUNA MAG IPON OR MAGWORK B4 TAU MAGHANGAD PAG CGURADO NA MAY KAPASIDAD NA PO TAU KUMUHA NG MOTOR.,

pls.. wag na po mag inquire if ur not very interested.. mdli lng inquire pero dapat ready nyo po muna lahat at pkibasa muna lahat ng info sa ads q para po walang makulit na tanung.., d po pwde ung D MKPUNTA NG BACOOR BRANCH..,

manila lng po pwde or ung mga near sa bacoor cavite much better or willing pumunta sa bacoor cavite branch to apply..,

Read more: http://www.sulit.com.ph/index.php/view+classifieds/id/4176499/BNEW+Motorcycles+%26+scooters+installment+low%2C+easy+%26+fast+aproval?referralKeywords=scooter+for+sale+installment

Whatever happened to good customer service? Sakit na ito ng mga nagpo-post ng ads online. Marami na rin akong na-encounter na ganyan nung naghahanap ako ng wedding suppliers. Talagang may mga disclaimer sila na ganyan agad. Siguro nga maraming makulit na customer na tanung ng tanong. Siguro minsan nakakapikon din.

Pero hindi ba naiisip ng mga ad posters na ito na kung ayaw ninyo ng makukulit na kliyente, wag na lang kayong mag-post ng ad niyo. Advertising is a marketing tool that has both pros and cons for your business. Pros talaga kapag nag-increase ang sales niyo dahil sa mga ads na pinopost niyo. Lalo na sa internet na talaga namang isa na ngayon sa pinakaepektibong paraan ng pag-a-advertise.

Iyon nga lang siyempre may negative effects yan. Get ready to entertain those makukulit na kliyente na maski nakasulat na in bold letters sa ads mo ay magtatanong pa rin. Bukod sa sakit na iyang ng Pinoy, karapatan naman kasi ng kliyente na magtanong at alamin muna lahat ng detalye ng produkto o serbisyong bibilhin o gagamitin nila. Kayo man ang lumagay sa katayuan ng buyer I am sure magtatanong din kayo.

Iyong malalaking kompanya nga nagbabayad pa ng malaki para mag-outsource ng customer service representatives na mag-e-entertain ng customers nila. Iyong iba naman gumagamit pa ng sikat na artista para mapansin ang ads nila. Kanya-kanyang gimik para makabenta. Buti nga ngayon at dahil sa uso na ang social networking at marami na ang nagiging maalam sa internet, madali na lang ang mag-advertise. Hindi na kailangang bumayad ng malaki dahil may mga libreng website na kung saan pwede kang mag-post ng ads.

Bahagi ng sales ang mga customers na makukulit. Sabi nga nila, the customer is always right. Kahit gaano sila kakulit. Kasi kung pagtiyatiyagaan niyo lang ang mga customers niyo, makakabenta kayo ng bonggang bongga. Huwag naman kayong maging masungit or worse mapanlait sa customers niyo. I don't think that is good business ethics. Kung ayaw niyo makulitan, wag kayong mag-post. Magtiyaga na lang kayo sa word of mouth ng satisfied customer niyo kung meron man.

I can be both a kind and bad customer depende sa ahente o taong kausap ko. Kung bastos, walang modo at walang paggalang ang haharap sa akin at magbebenta, magiging bad customer talaga ako. It works both ways.

Lesson of the story: Good customer service = good sales. Cyberspace provides you thousands of opportunities. Use it wisely.

KADIWA NIGHT

2011-12-01T13:02:00.000+08:00

I attended Kadiwa Night last night. Nakakatawa kasi kung kailan ako naging Buklod, saka pa ako naka-experience ng Kadiwa Night. Kasi naman nung Kadiwa pa ako ay ayoko pumunta sa mga ganitong events. Bukod sa anti-social ako, eh hindi ko feel ang mga ganitong klaseng event lalo na kapag nauuwi sa mga match making chorchor. Lumakas na lang ang loob ko ngayon kasi alam kong “exempted” na ako sa mga match making because I am no longer single.

Ngayon ko na-realize na nakakatuwa rin pala. Lalo na kung maraming kang dabarkads na Kadiwa rin. Nakakamiss tuloy ang kabataan days.

Simple lang naman ang Kadiwa Night sa lokal namin. Sa public mini-park lang sa barangay, simpleng pagkain, simpleng arrangements. Pero masaya naman. May banda na ang mga members ay mga kasama kong trainee sa Mang-aawit at mga dati kong ka-maytungkulin sa PNK. Siyempre proud ako nung maki-jam ang aking bayaw. Pambato ng pamilya pagdating sa mga videoke at kantahan moments. Kinukulit ko nga rin si Hubby na kumanta rin. Siyempre proud wife ako na songer ang asawa ko. Actually, songer ang buo niyang pamilya. Kaya nga medyo nakakailang dahil hindi ako ganun ka-gifted sa talent na ito.

Ang pinakanakakatuwa sa lahat ay ang awarding part. Uuwi na sana kami ni Hubby nang harangin kami ng manggagawa. Huwag daw muna kami umalis kasi may award daw na ibibigay. Siyempre wala na siyang choice kundi ibuko sa amin ang surprise niya dahil paalis na nga kami.

Ang buong akala ko si Hubby lang ng may award kasi siya naman ang active sa kapisanan during his Kadiwa days. Super na-touch ako nang marinig kong tawagin ang pangalan ko. Certificate of Appreciation daw para sa pagtuturo ko ng pantomime sa PNK.

Aaminin ko natuwa ako. Bukod sa na-surprise ako. Na-touched ako kasi sobrang lapit sa puso ko ng mga anak ko sa PNK. Na kahit pa sabihin na ngang hindi na ako qualified sa lupon eh sumasali pa rin ako. Kasi mahal na mahal ko talaga ang mga alaga ko. Nakakatawa rin kasi dati-rati ay ako ang gumagawa, nagpapaprint at nagpapaframe ng mga certificate na pinamimigay sa mga special occasion. Sinong mag-aakalang ako naman ang makakatanggap nito ngayon?

Maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga ka-PNK. Kahit hindi niyo mababasa itong blog ko ay nagpapasalamat ako. Sana kahit na hindi tayo nanalo nung nakaraan ay kunin niyo pa rin akong tagapagturo. And yes, forever PNK ako at heart. At kapag dumating ang pagkakataong may sarili na akong bulinggit na aakayin sa PNK, all out pa rin ang magiging support ko.

December: Day 1

2011-12-01T10:35:00.000+08:00

It's the first day of December. Bukas birthday ng bestfriend ko. She's gonna be thirty, flirty and thriving! Yey! Ito ang mga panahong nagbabalanse ang edad namin. Panahong patas kami sa edad. Ako kasi ang almost pinakamatanda ng buwan sa original dabarkads na aanim, pipito.

Nung bata ako masaya ako kapag December. Kasi ilang linggo na lang Christmas party na. Mahaba ang bakasyon sa school at higit sa lahat, maraming regalo at bagong damit. Christmas shopping with Tita Chedeng sa Megamall at siyempre nag-uumapaw ang kusina namin sa pagkain.

When I start celebrating Christmas, I look forward sa December kasi year end Pasalamat sa PNK, Year End Pasalamat sa Katandaan at anniversary ng Dako ng Redelma. Celebrations galore pa rin iyon na super exciting.

Ngayon, wala na ako sa Redelma, hindi na ako MT ng PNK. Maysakit na si Lola at hindi na niya kayang magluto ng pagkain. Hindi na ako bata kaya wala na akong natatanggap na regalo. Ako na ngayon ang magreregalo. Hay!

Maraming nagbago sa ika-30th December of my life. Pero looking forward ako kasi this is the first December I am gonna spend with my new family and with my husband. That is something to be really thankful for. And for all it's worth, andiyan pa rin naman ang dabarkads na aanim, pipito. Dumami pa nga kami kasi nadagdagan na ng mga cute na chikiting. Sana ako rin makapag-contribute na sa magagandang lahi in the months to come. Hehehe!

At siyempre, eeksena pa rin ako sa Redelma, sa ayaw at sa gusto nila. Pati na rin sa Pasalamat ng PNK. Once a PNK, always a PNK by heart. Motto namin yan ng bestfriend ko.

Looking forward to the coming year. Maraming pagsubok ang taon na ito. Hope to move forward with the grace and blessings of God. Happy December!

Random Thought: Return of the Jedi

2011-10-24T12:47:00.000+08:00

Last day of my 10-day hibernation period. I am both excited and nervous to go back to muddy playing field.
Just the thought of going back there frightens me.
Going on my second month of being a wife.
I miss my husband.
I miss writing.

9.10.11

2011-10-09T18:31:00.000+08:00

Allen Jay Manalili. Iyan ang pangalan ng asawa ko. ASAWA. I am still trying to get used to the term. Akalain mo iyon? May-asawa na ako.

Bernalyn Duma-Manalili. Iyan ang bago kong pangalan. For the first time, after more than five years of blogging, ngayon ko lang binanggit sa post ang tunay na pangalan ko. Kasi nagbago na siya. At hanggang ngayon, nalilito pa rin ako kapag nagsusulat ako ng pangalan. Hindi ako sanay sa bago kong apelyido at hindi ko pa kabisado ang bago kong pirma. My name became unsually long. And yes, it does feels weird sometimes when somebody would call me out loud. Mrs. Manalili. At minsan nakakalimutan kong ako pala iyong tinatawag. Hehehe!

9-10-11. Iyang ang date ng kasal namin. Akalain mo iyon? Ang tagal-tagal kong inantay ang date na yan. Halos mabaliw ako sa paghahanda, pagpaplano, pag-iisip ng kung anu ang mangyayari. At habang lumalapit ang araw na iyan, lalong tumitindi ang kaba. Lalong tumitindi excitement. At ngayon, isang buwan na nga ang matuling lumipas. Sinong mag-aakalang ang isang araw na iyon, isang magandang alaala na ngayon.

Pero hanggang ngayon nakakapanibago pa rin. Halos wala namang difference dun sa pagiging boyfriend-girlfriend namin. Pakiramdam ko nga BF-GF pa rin kami. Pero siyempre mas seryosong bagay na ang pinag-uusapan namin. We talk about the future more often than we ever did before. Siyempre this time, it's a lifetime that is ahead of us. Paano ba sisimulan? Ano ba muna ang dapat naming gawin?

Ang daming tanong. Ganito pala kapag may-asawa ka na. Hindi na biro ang mga susunod mong gagawin. Kasi this might make or break your future together. Hindi na ito kagaya noon na sarili mo lang ang iniintindi mo, ang iniisip mo. This time, it's more than yourself. You are a family now. And yes, you have husband to consider. Hindi na ikaw ang magdedesisyon sa gusto mong mangyari sa buhay mo. Dalawa na kayo. Dalawa na kayong magdedesisyon sa gusto niyong mangyari sa buhay niyo.

There is a big difference now. At siyempre, you don't have the luxury of time as you did before. Una, hindi ka na bata. Pangalawa, your time belongs to each other. Time. Napaka-valuable. Ang bilis lumipas. That is why you have to spend it wisely. Hindi mo pwedeng ulitin o ibalik. That's why you have to cherish every minute of it.

Masaya kasi when you feel lonely, all you have to do is to reach out by your side. Masaya kasi kapag natulog ka sa gabi, merong may hawak ng kamay mo. Kapag gininaw ka, may yayakap sa iyo. Kapag may masakit sa iyo, may hahagod ng likod mo at magpapainom ng gamot. Masaya kasi alam mong nagmamahal sa iyo, at nagmamahal ka.

Mahirap kasi maraming responsibilities. Kailangan niyong tugunan ang obligasyon niyo sa isa't isa. Kailangan niyong kumayod para sa pamilyang bubuuin niyo. Kailangan niyong mag-ipon para sa kinabukasan.

Nakakapagod kasi hindi na nga lang sarili mo ang iniintindi mo. Kahit pagod, kailangan niyong asikasuhin ang isa't isa.

Pero rewarding. And I feel so blessed dahil binigyan ako ng asawang magpagmahal, mapagmalasakit at may matibay na pananampalataya.

Masarap pala ang may asawa. Akalain mo iyon? Ang isang bagay na kinatatakutan kong gawin dati, nagawa ko na ngayon. And it turns out to be one of the best decisions I had in my life.

Happy first month, Lab. i love you.

Random Thoughts: Coldy and Rainy

2011-06-09T12:53:00.001+08:00

It's raining. Welcome, June. It's the marrying month and I am getting stressed out 'coz mine is fast approaching.
I'm back at the market. I've been browsing Jobstreet lately and ended up browsing Jobstreet Singapore. Searching for greener pastures here.
More wedding duties on my checklist. Time is ticking.
Visited my former blog drive site. Brings back a lot of memories.
I just have to blog this: "Basta tandaan mo lang. Kahit anong desisyon mo, andito lang ako. Kung saan ka masaya, doon din ako siyempre. Tsaka isa pa, gusto ko i-enjoy mo lahat hangga't may panahon pa. Habang buhay pa tayo kasi kapag patay na tayo, hindi na natin pwede gawin yung pumunta sa ibang lugar kaya kapag may opportunity, go lang ng go. May tiwala naman ako sa iyo eh. Tsaka labs kita eh."

Wedding Emcee

2011-06-08T21:01:00.002+08:00

I have found a new sideline that gives a few extra bucks on our savings account - events hosting.

Yes, I have slowly ventured into this area. I have wanted so much to find additional income so Allen and I would be able to keep up with our wedding finances. Luckily, a friend of ours gave me a hosting stint last week. The event came up on short notice so I can only do so much. Lack of preparation time plus birth pains equals disaster.

Well, the hosting stint didn't go along as perfectly as expected. There were a lot of major glitches, mostly because of me being a neophyte on this field, and another considerable factor was the lack of planning and organizing by the client. But, of course, I couldn't blame the client so I would have to charge it to experience.

The experience left me with a guilty feeling mixed with a tinge of embarrassment since I was referred by a friend. I was hoping so much to be given a chance to recover my reputation. And then came another hosting stint scheduled a couple of weeks from now.

I am crossing my fingers as early as now. I pray that everything would go on smoothly and that I would be able to redeem all the embarrassment that I had to go through from the previous event. I do hope and pray that this little stints would soon prosper and turn out to be BIG stints which could be another career path for me in the near future.

So those, looking for events host...my services are available. You can get in touch with me by commenting on this blog and leaving your e-mail address. I offer affordable program hosting for wedding reception at Php 2,000.00 for two hours for venues within Quezon City, Manila, Pasig City, Marikina City, San Juan City and Mandaluyong City. This offer is negotiable to other locations depending on the accessibility of the venue.

I can help you make your weddings a memorable one. In return, you would be able to make my dream wedding come true. I guess, that's quite a bargain. Fair enought. So keep the stints coming.

Pissed!

2011-06-08T20:50:00.000+08:00

Why do some people tend to complicate simple things? Was it so hard for them to realize that they are not four-year old kids that needs to be reminded on what to do all the time? Have they ever understand the term reorganization? Meaning, they would have new responsibilities, tasks and functions. I just couldn't understand why it is so hard for them to adjust. And worse of all, ikaw pa ang palalabasin na hindi marunong makisama, mag-adjust or makibagay. The nerve! Sino kaya sa amin ang isinusuka ng mga katrabaho niya?

And yes, there was this someone that referred me to seek an opinion with someone. This someone happens to play a key role as our office and referring me to another someone, kinda gives me the impression that she was doing the referral to help me out and save company resources. Unfortunately, the referral she made incurred more damages than be able to help out in the situation. The company was not able to benefit from the referral and didn't get the needed results. And worse, the referral had the nerve to charge and bill the company for the services that he was not able to render. The nerve!

And yes, the someone who happen to also work with another someone as partners is driving our whole company crazy with their experimentation program. What pisses me off is, all their recommendations were already facts which we have long understood and proven. Meaning, there is nothing new with what they want to happen because we have already thought of it before and were already on our way to implementing it when they came in. Now, after spinning us upside down, they would take the same direction as we have chosen and ended up with claiming that the brilliant idea originated from their brilliant minds. What's worse it, when everything turns out to be a mess or bended somewhere, they will pass the blame on the next person they will find nearer to them just to save their assess.

This is actually the part of the corporate world I hate so much. Passing the dirty work to others, claiming the credit for brilliant ideas that weren't theirs in the first place and the worst part, passing the blame on someone else. I also hate working with people who are ass kissers. They are good for nothing dummies that due to lack of brain substance end up licking the assess of the big bosses and crediting themselves for an excellent job which they didn't do.

I wish I have a choice. I wish I have another option. I wish I could have a job away from the corporate arena. Away from the bloodsucking corporate bitches and the ass licking corporate politicians. Politic! Their everywhere. It sucks!

Belated Happy Birthday Post

2011-05-29T20:52:00.004+08:00

Hindi ko alam kung papansin lang talaga ang Bestfriend ko when she posted a belated Happy Birthday post on my Facebook account exactly a month after my birthday. It’s not that she forgot to greet me on my birthday. In fact, she was one of the first birthday greeters I had during that day.

But the post reminded me of not having birthday post during my birthday this year. The year I turned 30. Pasensiya na kung pauulit-ulit ang emphasis ko sa edad ko. There’s more to come. Hehehe!
I was reading my previous birthday post and I can’t help to smile as I reminisce each year of my life. I realized, dapat talaga may birthday post. So I can read back the day I turned a year older once in a while.
So here goes my birthday post.

The 30th birthday isn’t too grand at all. I spent it at the hospital. Kapag tumatanda ka pala, birthdays doesn’t matter anymore. It just becomes an ordinarily dreadful day that you have to go through. Lola was sick and confined to the hospital a week before my birthday. She had undergone a colostomy operation and this was the toughest time of our lives.

Lola is diagnosed with colon cancer almost two years ago. I don’t know what stage since I wasn’t fully given the details but the doctor did recommend that Lola undergoes chemotherapy and surgery to remove the cyst in her colon. But Lola refused it. She insisted that the operation would do her no good since she’s already 83 years old and a diabetic. She is also afraid that we would spend so much for chemotherapy when most cancer patients end up dying after two or three years of treatment. The probability rate of her survival isn’t that tremendous. She also reiterated that fact that should her life be extended for a year or two, old age might take it back anyways so what’s the point.

In short, the debate of her undergoing treatment ended. She stopped going to the hospital and suffered at home. But a few days before Holy Week of this year, Lola insisted that she be brought to the hospital. She was complaining of severe pain and difficulty in bowel movement. I was there and saw how much pain she was going through. She couldn’t even bare to stand up anymore.

We confined her to our local public hospital where they offered free hospital services to senior citizens. It was then that the doctor prepared her for surgery. They recommended for colostomy to ease up her bowl movement. But this is just a convenient measure for her. It doesn’t cure the cancer. Lola agreed and the rest of us agreed to with hopes and prayers that she would survive the operation. Lola’s age and blood sugar level increased the risks of the operation.

After two hours of surgery and spending a night at the ICU, Lola went into recovery. Towards the end of her hospital days, Lolo collapsed. He was brought to the ER wincing in pain of his enlarged prostate. Due to the stress and pressure he had been into when taking care of Lola, his body his body gave up on him. Lolo is in recovery of a TURP operation a year ago due to his prostate enlargement. He goes to see his doctor regularly at least once a month. Unfortunately, he couldn’t leave Lola behind so he missed two months of treatment. This took toll on him in the most unexpected time.

This was the most difficult time of our lives. The two pillars of our family both ragged and weak. And I couldn’t help but cry. I am not used to seeing them like this. And yes, when faced with death no logic and reason can flow into your mind. I was praying so hard that everything comes to pass.

And it did. Lolo and Lola were both discharged from the hospital. The doctor ordered that Lola goes back to the hospital a week after for out-patient check up. That happens to be my birthday. That is how I ended up spending my 30th birthday at the hospital.

Stressful, painful and sad. But I am thankful. The Father is so great that during these difficult times of my life, He gave me life. He gave me another year. He gave me another year with Lolo and Lola. With Nanay and Tita. With Ninong and the rest of the family.
I am back in touch with my cousins in Canada and had a web chat with them the eve of my birthday.

Allen went to Pasig and celebrated my birthday with me. I was so thankful for all his love and support. That gave me strength.
And yes, Grace…thank you for the gift of faith. The faith that had kept me strong all through these.

The trial didn’t end there. Lola is now bed-ridden and every waking hour of her life, she winces in pain. All the pain and suffering that brings tear to my eyes. And everyday I pray that the Father would have mercy on her and that one day…she finds it in her heart the same faith that breathe life into my soul.

Ironically, this is by far the happiest birthday of my life. Dahil sa kaarawan kong ito ko naramdaman at napatunayan kung gaano ako kamahal at pinagpapala ng Ama.

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Because I'm Thirty

2011-05-29T20:10:00.000+08:00

Because I’m thirty, I feel like I don’t have any sense at all…well, what’s new. I always seem to do not make any sense at all.

I tried cleaning up my blog. See the sidebars for a little bit of change. And yes, I miss my friends updating their blogs. Everyone seemed so pretty caught up with their own lives now.

I am thirty-ish and I am kinda sort of PLANNING to come up with a new blog site catering to women who are already in my age. I put emphasis on the PLANNING part because until now, everything seems to still be a plan yet with no assurance whatsoever of the exact time of execution.

I am so damn talkative right now. This is so not me. Is it the hormones? Is it the age? Or is it the Kung Fu Panda 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 4 aftermaths?

I am desperately in need of a RAKET…yes…raket…as in sideline as in anything that would help me earn a couple of bucks more. Well, the clock is ticking and suddenly it’s just almost three months before my wedding day and the bills are running after US already. Yes, Mr. Soon-to-be-Hubby and I have been doing some preparations already and the financial part is driving me crazy.

I have been doing a little research on online writing stints. While they seemed enticing, but they do for one, sound boring. Plus, I am really an online freak when it comes to online transactions like online shopping, online business, online purchases and other stuff. It freaks me out and yes, PayPal and other online payment system have not yet fully won my trust. No matter how credible they may seem, there is still that tiny bit of a doubt about them. Call me old school, but I still prefer the “kaliwaan” system as in cash to cash basis only.

I have tried ads on blogs but, first, this blog wouldn’t pass for that since I have no particular theme on my posts. All entries are random whims of my frivolous mind. I tried coming up with thematic blogs but I ended up getting tired and bored. Add to that, I don’t want to customize my blog just for the ads because it lessens the thrill of blogging. And most importantly, the revenue is kinda slow. You would have to blogs entries to death before you get a payment. So, no ads for me.

So where to now? I badly need a little help here.

RANDOM THOUGHTS: Whims of a 30-year Old

2011-05-27T11:38:00.003+08:00

1. Blogging using my phone isn't wise. Too much charges on my phone bill. But still...

2. One month after my 26th birthday and friends are still sending their belated greetings. I am so blessed to have friends.

3. I miss writing. My work now entails more accounting, decisionmaking and business stuff so it kinda wears out the creative side of me. Breanna was...well, she remains to be a WAS.

4. My bestfriend's pregnant. I'm happy for her and worried too. Sensitive pregnancy and she's so being herself lately...stubborn...as if I'm not.

5. My doc's saying I should lose weight to give my ovaries more space to ovulate. But damn that was a hard thing to do.

6. I'm back in touch with my cousins who happened to be on different parts of the world already. Kinda makes me wonder what the hell am I doing here.

7. My job is starting to be hell again and for the nth time, stresses me again. Being 30 slims down my choices and yes, reduces the feistyness in me.

8. Wedding planning stresses me out. No problem with the planning part. It's the paying part that drives me nuts.

9. And yes, wedding jitters. Getting a little wacky lately. Suddenly there's this craving for solitude...for a time alone. Suddenly i want to run away.

10. Too tired. Just feeling more and more tired every single day. I miss the Bora days, the Baguio days, the roadtrip to Tagaytay days. Damn it! I feel old.

La...

2011-04-17T19:39:00.000+08:00

Bata palang ako, kinatakutan na kita. Ingat na ingat ako sa bawat galaw ko. Sa bawat kilos ko. Kasi baka pagalitan mo ako. Kasi baka paluin mo ako. Pinipilit kong gumising ng maaga kahit na sa totoo lang, iyon ang pinakamahirap na gawin para sa akin. Kasi ayaw mong nale-late ako. Pinipilit kong mag-almusal sa umaga kasi ayaw mong nalilipasan ako ng gutom. Nakokontento na lang akong manood sa mga batang naglalaro sa labas ng bahay kasi ayaw mo ng batang laging nasa kalye.

Ayoko ng mabaho at maruming palengke pero sumasama ako sa iyo tuwing Sabado. Kasi isinasama mo ako. Ayokong mag-piano lessons pero pumapasok ako sa weekend classes kasi pagagalitan mo ako kapag hindi.

Ang dami kong gusto na ayaw mo. Ang dami kong ayaw na gusto mo. Pero sinunod kita. For some reason, I never defied everything you said. I guess that's the least I could do for all your hard work. Sa lahat ng sakripisyo mo para sa akin.

Gustong magrebelde ng utak ko. Ng buong pagkatao ko. I wanted to get away. I tried and did it. I managed to survive only to realize that independence is a lonely, lonely word. I realized how much I needed you. And if there is one thing that my independence have done for me...that is to make me appreciate and value you. Everything you taught me. Everything you wanted me to learn and do.

Seeing you lying there, helpless, in pain...kills me. It kills me more than you could ever imagine. I wanted to cry. Gusto kong pumalahaw ng pagkalakas-lakas. Pero ayokong makita mo ang mga luha ko. Kasi ayokong dagdagan pa ang sakit na nararamdaman mo ngayon.

Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka. Hindi ako sanay na mahina ka. Hindi ako sanay na makita kang nawawalan ng lakas na lumaban. At ayokong tanggapin na hindi ka na tulad ng dati.

Mahal kita. Kahit ano man ang mangyari ngayon o sa susunod pang araw, mahal kita. And I want to be with you. Hindi ako umalis dahil gusto kong layuan ka. Umalis ako dahil gusto kong maging kagaya mo. Kasing lakas mo. Kasing tatag mo.

You made me stronger, Lola. You did. You made a good person in me. You made me. More than any one else, ikaw ang bumuo ng pagkatao ko.

I Just Can't Dig It!

2011-03-19T08:30:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko ma-dig ang trip ng Maynilad now a days. Ang isang nananahimik na kalsadang ginastusan ng milyon mapasemento lang ay binubutas nila. Sure, nagpapalit sila ng piping. Pero sana man lang strategic sila sa pamamaraan. For one, they are causing incovenience sa mga pedestrian at motoristang naiipit sa traffic dahil nagiging one way ang mga kalsadang hinuhukay nila. Oo nga merong sign na "Sorry for the inconvenience, your taxes are working for you."

Pero sabi nga ni Dao Ming Se, "Kung pwede na ang sorry, para saan pa ang mga pulis?" I mean, hindi isang simpleng sorry lang iyon. They should have planned a way to do their digging in the most convenient way possible para sa madlang people.

Yes, madlang people. Hindi kami nagbayad ng tax para lang ma-inconvenience ng gobyerno. Nagbabayad tayo ng tax para maging convenient ang buhay natin pare-pareho through efficient and dignified government service.

Ito ang pinakamalupit sa lahat. Pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon ng paghuhukay, hindi nila ibabalik sa dati ang kalsada. Lalagyan lang ng buhangin at aaspaltuhin. There goes your multi-million infrastructure projects. May bahid na ng aspalto na kapag inulan eh malulusak at maglulubak ulit. There goes your taxes.

Mukhang paurong ang pagsulong natin. Dahil paurong mag-isip ang ilan sa mga marurunong.

Teenage Dream

2011-03-19T08:22:00.000+08:00

Graduation time na naman. Marami na namang ga-graduate as this school year comes to an end. Looking back, I can't help but see myself in the eyes of those newly grads.

Ganyan din ako nung graduation namin. Happy. Excited. Well, dahil bukod sa birthday ko kasi ang graduation day namin, our graduation marked the end of all those grueling years na kailangan mong mag-aral. Period ito sa mahabang sentence.

And then comes the job hunt. Finding your dream job. Ano nga ba ang dream job? Iyomg malaki ang sweldo? Iyong cool ang environment? Iyong happy ka sa ginagawa mo? Iyong pwede kang pumorma ala fashion model? Iyong nakakapag-travel ka ng all-expense paid sa buong mundo? Iyong flexible ang oras mo? Iyong napa-practice mo kung anong pinag-aralan mo?

One person's definition of a dream job may differ from another person's definition of it. Iba-iba naman kasi tayo ng hinahanap. Iba-iba tayo ng gusto. Iba-iba ang nagpapasaya sa atin.

Habang punung-puno pa tayo ng youthful energy, idealistic pa tayo. Tingin natin, hindi tayo dapat makahon na lang sa isang routine. Mas may thrill at challenge kapag may adventure. Pero paano kung na-achieve na natin lahat iyon? Nakuha na natin ang dream job natin? Nakapag-travel ka na, naka-gimik with friends, nakapag-ipon, nakaporma at nakasunod na sa kung anu-anong uso? What's next for you?

Then you find yourself thinking. Bakit hindi ba kasi hindi na lang naging routinary ang buhay ko so I would know what to do next?

One thing is for sure. Happiness is a choice. It is a decision to make. Hindi ito nakadepende sa kung gaano kalaki ang sweldo or sa kung gaano ka-cool ang trabaho mo. Kasi kahit saang kompanya o sa kahit saang larangan ka man mapadpad, laging merong makakapagpa-badtrip sa iyon. Laging merong bad trip na boss. Laging merong bad trip na katrabaho. Laging merong bad trip moments sa pagko-commute. Laging merong bad trip na araw. Nasa iyo na lang iyon if you would remain bad trip for life.

Good luck sa job hunting. Sabi nga sa movie na Yes Man...say yes to every opportunity that comes your way. Higit sa lahat, huwag masyadong mag-enjoy lang...gamitin ang utak sa bawat desisyong gagawin. After all, you are not anymore a student. Ignorance is not an excuse. You are not anymore in college. This is real life. You are not anymore a teenager. You are an adult.

But to dream. Dream like a teenager. Work and think like an grown man. Teenage dream. Just keep it coming.

Okatokat 2

2011-01-19T22:03:00.001+08:00

And there goes my fear.
I wanted this for so long.
I wanted you this much.
I love you this much
Yet, I fear that I might not want you enough,
nor, love you enough.
I fear that my love might not be enough to love you.

Caroling

2010-12-23T20:48:00.000+08:00

Nag-party kami kagabi ng mga officemates ko sa bahay ng isa ko pang officemates. Nakakaloka ang mga batang nangangaroling ngayon.

Iyong iba sa kanila, tatlong Christmas carol lang ang alam: Sa May Bahay, Ang Pasko ay Sumapit saka We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

Iyong iba naman "malwalhati" imbes na maluwalhati ang lyrics nila. Bulol.

Iyong iba naman station ID ng ABS-CBN ang kinakanta? Christmas carol ba iyon? Pero in fairness, memorize nila. Ibig sabihin may recall.

Iyong iba naman, nagdudugasan sa hatian ng mga barya. At talagang kinonfirm pa nung isang bata sa amin kung magkano raw ang ibinigay naming barya dahil dinudugasan daw sila ng drummer nila. Bata pa lang corrupt na. Hehehe!

Iyong iba naman, nakita lang nag-abot kami dun sa naunang nangaroling, aba, bumanat din ng kanta sa tapat namin. Kahit na mukhang wala naman silang balak mangaroling at napadaan lang sila dahil wala man lang silang kahit anong props na dala.

Eto iyong matindi. Binalikan kami. Natapatan na nila kami, nagbigay na kami ng barya. Aba, ng maubos ang mga bahay na tatapatan at bitin pa sila sa quota, bumalik ulit sa amin. Ano iyon? Ulitan?

Kwento pa nung isang officemate ko, nung mangaroling daw iyong anak niya nung isang gabi, naka-180 raw na nakuhang barya. Aba, at talagang nag-compute ang tatay! Hehehe!

I Wanna Be A Billionaire....

2010-12-23T20:40:00.001+08:00

Kapag ako naging bilyonaryo...

magpapakasal ako sa Boracay, imbitado kayong lahat
sa Jollibee ang venue ng anniversary ng Redelma, invited lahat ng dako
bibili ako ng unit dun sa bagong townhouse diyan sa may Cordillera
bibili ako ng kumpletong appliances para sa townhouse ko siyempre
bibili ako ng kotse dahil nakakalokang mag-commute sa Metro Manila these days
sagot ko catering sa year end socializing
ikukuha ko ng private nurse ang lola at lolo ko
sagot ko rin lahat ng gamot nila, lahat ng kailangan nila
ipagpapatayo ko ng school ang tita ko para may libangan siya kapag nag-resign na siya
ipagpapatayo ko naman ng carinderia ang nanay ko para may negosyo siya
bibili ako ng DSLR at lahat ng lense at filter na kailangan
bibili ako ng iPhone.
upgrade ko laptop ko. Mac na! bibili ako dalawa. tig-isa kami ni allen! hehehe!
magtatayo ako ng sarili kong business
iikutin ko ang Pilipinas
gagawin ko ng dalawang unit ng townhouse ang bibilhin ko para ung isa pwede kong hilinging maging dako ng PNK saka gawain
ipaparenovate ko iyong bahay namin sa Pasig, papagawan ko ng 2nd floor
treat ko ung mga in laws ko, punta kami ng Canada para makasama namin si Ate saka si Mama
magdodonate ako ng maraming blacklight at gwantes sa Kadiwa at Binhi para may gagamitin sila lagi kapag pantomime
bibili ako ng organ para sa lahat ng dako ng PNK
sagot ko outing reunion ng lahat ng MT at dating MT sa Redelma
outing din kami or eat out ng mga anak ko sa pantomime
outing din kami ng mga officemates ko
papa-insure ko buong family ko. insure na lahat ng dapat insure
bibili ako ng pension plan, education plan, health plan, pati leche flan! hehehe!
kakain ako ng buffet sa Sofitel, magkakape sa Manila Penn at matutulog sa Sogo...Sogo? Ampangit!
paparebond ako ng hair. Iyong class level naman na hindi magpuputol ang buhok ko at masusunod ang anit ko
bibili ako ng Swatch. Bilhan ko rin si Grace para belated hapi berdey niya.
at siyempre, the rest ay savings na. (may matira pa kaya rito pagkatapos ng lahat?)

Libre lang naman mangarap. Kaya wag na kayong kumontra sa mga pinaglalagay ko rito. Blog niyo ba ito?> Hehehe! Ikaw, anong balak mo kapag naging bilyonaryo ka?

The Best Times of My LIfe.

2010-11-25T10:35:00.000+08:00

Lagi kong naririnig iyong kasabihan na "enjoy your life to the fullest..." Sabi ko noon, napaka-cliche naman nun. Napakapalasak na advice para sa isang adventurous at free sprited na youth. But now I realized the meaning of it.

Nakakamiss kasi ang good old days. Ang mga panahon ng youthful energy and sense of adventurism. Iyong strike anywhere mantra for all I care. The think out-of-the-box motto. In short, nakakamiss maging bata.

Hindi ko masasabing super enjoy ang childhood days ko. Dahil sa totoo lang, I missed out a lot of things when I was a kid. Bawal maglaro nun sa kalye. Iyan ang batas ng lola ko. Somehow, I missed sweating it out playing nonsense games with kids on the street. O kaya iyong sumemplang sa bisikleta habang nag-iikot sa buong barangay o maski dun kasunod pa. Hindi ko rin naranasan madapa dahil sa pakikipagtakbuhan sa mga kalaro ng agawan-base. Tagapanood lang ako.

But luckily, lumaki naman akong normal. At nung highschool ako, I had glimpse of a glamorous life. Mayamanin kasi mga naging kaklase ko. Sila iyong tipong araw-araw, iba-iba ang nahahatid na sasakyan. Iyong iba nga may minamaneho nang sariling kotse kahit within the village lang ng school namin. Iyong iba naman hindi marunong mag-commute kasi bitbit ang driver sa mall.

Hindi kami mayaman. Simpleng owner lang ang sasakyan namin. Pero one thing is, hindi naman ganun ko naramdaman ang difference namin ng mga kaklase ko. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang mababait lang lahat sila o dahil nung mga panahong iyon, hindi pa masyadong materialistic ang mga tao. Hindi pa uso ang cellphone, PSP, iPod, iPhone, iTouch, iPad at lahat ng "i" na nagsisilbing status symbol.

Come to think of it, "i" is a first person pronoun. Ginamit sa pangalan ng mga gadgets na ito na nagbibigay ng sariling mundo sa mga taong gumagamit nito. Sariling mundo which sometimes blinds them to the reality na may mga tao sa paligid nila. Umamin tayo, karamihan sa mga nahuhumaling sa mga gadgets na ito, end up being materialistc and self centered lalo na ang mga batang hindi mo lang ang gusto, sagad hanggang buto na ang galit sa iyo.

Then comes college. Probably the happiest stage of my life. Dito ako nag-bloom. Dito ako nagkaroon ng confidence sa sarili ko. That I can be whoever I am and I can make things happen if I put my heart into it. After graduation, I plunged into the real world having this idealism.

Somehow, changes our lives, gives us another definition of who we truly are. And as we age, unti-unti nating nakikita ang pagkakaiba ng dating tayo sa tayo ngayon. Kasi kapag pala umeedad na, nababawasan ang tapang, nababawasan ang patience, nababawasan ang tolerance at yes, nababawasan ang adventure.

Kasi you will be faced with real responsibilities and decisionmakings. Hindi na biro. Hindi laro dahil your whole life or as for the case of those who have already their family....it's their family's welfare will be at stake. At heto ako, nakatakdang bumuo ng sarili kong pamilya kasama ang isang taong pinatuloy ko sa buhay ko.

I look back on the years that have gone swiftly by. At kapag may kabataang humingi sa akin ng advice, ito rin ang sasabihin ko..."enjoy your life to the fullest." Mahirap magmadali na tumanda. Dahil baka may malampasan kang bahagi ng buhay mo, hindi mo na kayang ibalik ang panahon para maranasan ulit ito.

The Perfect Guy

2010-08-23T13:11:00.000+08:00

Wag mo akong ikumpara sa ibang guys, dahil iba ako. Iba ako sa kanila. I am the perfect guy.

Quote, unquote. This keeps on ringing in my mind. Our conversation keeps on rewinding in my mind.

He was confident. All too confident. And I was crying. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. Tears he couldn't see. And my heart was beating so fast. He laughed at me. Even at the dark, he noticed how red my face was. I pulled up a pillow and buried my face. I just can't look at him. I just can't let him see the tears.

I was confused. I was afraid. After Saturday, things are starting to sound more and more official. The realization of something far more serious hit me. And excited as I was, I have my doubts. My doubts of what's gonna be happening in the near future. The future I can neither predict not dictate. And it just drives me nuts.

So here I am again. Back at this place. Thinking things over. Wondering how things have changed so fast after three weeks. Three long weeks and here I am. I feel like a stranger into a room I once called my own. And there he was...claiming how perfect he was...with full confidence that he would forever remain perfect.

A promise of perfection. A perfection of love binded by faith. And even I cannot contradict that. Even I cannot find the words to reason that this world is not perfect. Arguing that we are all human which at times would be faced by different situations, I got the answer that not all humans are the same. We may be human but having faith to someone way beyond human can make the perfection theory plausible. Possible. Probable.

I love this guy. I have no doubt. I love this perfect guy.

Wala Po Kayong Barya?

2010-07-26T13:20:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko alam if there's any economic explanation to this. Pero lately kasi, napapansin ko kahit saan ako bumili...mapa-tindahan, grocery, convernient store, supermarket, department store, fast food, restaurant, etc...at maski anong public transport ang sakyan ko...MRT, LRT, FX, taxi, bus, jeep, tricycle, pedicab...eh hinahanapan ako ng barya. Kung hindi ako hihingan ng piso or kung magkano man ang butal na barya sa sukli ko ay hahanapan ako ng barya. Imagine...wala silang maisukli maski sa bente pesos?

Dun sa karinderya sa kanto namin, kapag lumagpas ng isang daan ang pera mo, ililista na lang niya ang bibilhin mo dahil wala silang pansukli sa 200, 500 at 1000 bill. Kapag naman nagpilit kang paghanapin sila ng panukli ay hindi ka na nila pagbibilhan at all. Hindi ko naman maintindihan kung bakit wala silang panukli samanatalang marami naman ang kumakain at bumibili sa kanila.

Eto, 7-11 na...na-experience ko dati. Bumili ako ng ice cream...iyong tig-isang daan...nagbayad ako ng 500 bill. Kung iisipin, malaking amount na iyong nabili ko kaya acceptable na iyong 500 na bill as bayad. Kasi parang nakakainis nga naman kung limang piso lang ang halaga ng bibilhin tapos magbabayad ka ng buong 500. Sa isip ko, madali na nila akong masusuklian kasi apat na isang daan lang naman ang isusukli nila. Pero eto ang malupit...hinanapan ako ng barya. At dahil wala naman talaga akong dalang ibang pera kundi iyong 500 na iyon...siyempre, sinabi kong wala. Aba, binawi ba naman ang ice cream na binibili ko kahit nakaplastic na na may tatak ng store nila. Wala raw kasi silang barya.

Nag-init ang ulo ko. Ang lagay ay dahil wala silang barya, hindi nila ako pagbibilhan? Bakit? May pambayad naman ako ah. Hindi ko na problema kung wala silang panukli. Ang point ko kasi, 24-hour convenient store sila. Ilang customer ba ang pumapasok sa kanila sa 24 oras? Ganun ba katumal ang store nila at pampalit lang sa 500 ay wala sila. Atsaka isa pa, multi-national company sila. Meron naman siguro silang bank account kung saan sila nagdedeposit ng benta nila daily di ba? Mano namang ipapalit nila sa bangko ang kanilang mga bills at pa-breakdown into 20s, 50, 100s, and so on and so forth.

Nangyari rin ulit sa akin ito sa tindahan ng bigas sa palengke. Gusto ko nang maiyak kasi nakakatatlong stall na ako, wala pa ring gustong magbili sa akin ng bigas dahil lang 500 na buo ang pera ko at wala silang panukli. Ano ba naman iyon? Daig ko pa ang pulubi na namamalimos at nagmamakaawa na pagbilhan ako ng bigas. Ang masaklap, may pambili naman ako. Nakakainis di ba?

Wala bang guidelines or policy ang DTI na dapat lahat ng tindahan or even public transport ay merong nakahandang sukli para sa bawat transakyon na maaari silang magkaroon? Speaking of public transport, nung last week sumakay ako ng LRT sa may Cubao station. Iyong nakadugtong sa Gateway Mall. Naloka talaga ako kasi lahat ng vending machine nila may malaking karatula na exact fare. Eh dahil wala na akong mamiso ay pumila na lang ako dun sa mga window booth. Nakakaloka talaga! Exact fare lang din ang nakatatak sa mga bintana nila.

Eh saan lupalop naman kaya ako bibili ng ticket kung wala akong exact fare?

In my fighting form ay buong tapang kong inabot ang P50 ko sa nagtitinda at sinabi kung saang station ako bababa. Ready na akong mag-away kung sakaling irereject nya ako at pagsasabihang exact fare window lang sila. Pero sinuklian ako nung babaeng nagbabantay sa booth. Akala ko ba exact fare lang?

Well, anyways...nagkakaubusan na ba ng barya sa Pilipinas? Mayamanin na ba ang lahat ng tao at puro buo na ang pera nila? Isang malaking palaisipan. At isang malaking palaisipan na naman kung paano ako uuwi mamayang hapon dahil wala akong baryang pamasahe...hay, life!

Okatokat

2010-07-09T14:35:00.000+08:00

Takot ako sa dugo. Takot ako sa injection. Takot ako sa pain. Takot akong sumakay ng bangka. Takot akong maglakad at tumayo sa tulya. Claustrophobic din ako. Meaning, takot ako sa enclosed spaces. Kaya napapraning akong sumakay sa elevator lalo na kapag mag-isa lang ako.

Takot ako sa daga. Takot ako sa butiki. Takot ako sa uod, bulate, ahas o anumang hayop na kahalintulad nito. Takot ako sa multo. Takot ako sa mga anino sa dilim. Takot ako sa kwentong nakakatakot. Kaya ayoko ng mga horror movies.

Takot akong maligaw. Lalo na kung sakto lang ang dala kong pera para sa pamasahe. Takot ako sa mga lasing na nagsusuka. Hate ko ang suka at ganun din ang amoy nito.

Takot akong makasakit ng iba. Kaya kahit mahirap gawin, pinipilit ko pa ring i-please ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Takot akong maging mag-isa. Kahit pa ilang beses kong sabihing independent ako.

Takot ako sa sunog. Nagpapanic ako sa the mere fact na may naglalagablab sa paligid. Takot akong masugatan, kaya ayaw ko ng tumatakbo. Kasi alam kong masakit gamutin ang galos at sugat kapag nadapa ako.

Takot akong magkamali. Takot din akong harapin ang pagkakamali ko. Kaya minsan kahit alam kong mali na ako, pinapairal ko pa rin ang katigasan ang ulo at pilit hinahanapan ng justification ang mga pagkakamali ko. Takot akong mapahiya at ma-reject. Sumasama ang loob ko sa tuwing malalagay ako sa mga sitwasyong ganito.

Takot ako sa changes. Kasi pakiramdam ko kapag may nagbago sa buhay ko, may mawawala. May mababawas. Takot akong mawala ang mga taong mahal ko. Ang mga taong mahalaga para sa akin.

Takot ako sa future. Kasi hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari...takot ako sa maaaring mangyari o hindi mangyari.

And the list goes on...Listahan ng mga bagay, pangyayari, sitwasyon, hayop at mga kung anu-ano pang kinatatakutan ko. Oo. Mahaba ang listahan. At para bagang habang lumilipas ang panahon, patuloy itong nadaragdagan.

At takot ako sa sarili ko. Dahil alam ko how destructible I am. Alam kong sa isang iglap, kaya kong mag-inflict ng kapahamakan sa sarili ko.

Ang hirap palang maging takot. Nagiging stagnant ka tuloy. Hindi mo alam kung saan ka susunod na hahakbang. Hindi mo alam kung saan ka lilingon. And you are left with no choice but to stay still.

But the stillness of life means the lack of it. Kapag hindi umikot ang gulong, hindi aandar ang sasakyan. Hindi magpapatuloy ang biyahe. Hindi ka makakarating sa destinasyon mo.

Sana makaya kong harapin lahat ng takot ko. Sana isa-isa sila magawa kong mapagtagumpayan. I wish I am strong enough. I wish I am faithful enough to dream. To dream that one day...amidst all these fears, eh makarating din ako sa tamang destinasyon ko. Sa dapat kong kalagyan. To where I truly belong.

Luck & Lock

2010-07-09T11:33:00.001+08:00

Nung nag-aaral ako, ang usong baunan ng pagkain ay iyong mga stainless na lalagyan na pinagpapatong-patong tapos nilalock ng isang metal handle. Iyon iyong parang maliliit na kaldero or catering pan na nagtutunugan kapag lunch break na kasi lahat atat nang kumain. Minsan nga naalala kong nahuli kaming dalawa ng classmate ko ng aming Math teacher dahil hindi namin napigilan ang aming sariling tikman ang baon niyang tocino. Eh, bawal kumain sa klase niya dahil hindi pa raw break time. Ang malas lang namin, kumalansing ang bwisit na stainless na baunan niya, kaya ayun! Napagalitan tuloy kami pareho.

Nauso rin iyong Tupperware na kulay yellow o kaya orange na square. Pinagpapatong din un at nalo-lock ng plastic canister. Ito iyong time na uso pa ang Tupperware party. Bago kasi nauso ang Avon at ang kung anu-ano pang networking business ngayon, Tupperware ang pinakapatok na direct selling and networking business noon.

Ang pangit lang sa Tupperware na baunan is iyong kumakapit ang amoy ng ulam at dulas ng mantika sa plastic na container. At yes, ang tumatagas na sabaw. Ito naman ang nilunasan ng pinakausong baunan ngayon...ang Lock & Lock.

Lock & Lock talaga ang alam kong original brand. Pero dahil sumikat na siya, marami na ang gumaya sa product na ito. Ito iyong mga baunang may lamang kulay blue na tubig sa deparment store. Hindi ko alam kung tamad lang ba mag-ayos iyong sales lady kasi laging pataob ito kung ipatong sa istante. Eventually, I realized the purpose. Para patunayan sa madlang people na talagang vaccuum-sealed ang mga containers nila kaya walang liquid object ang makakalusot. Yes, no more tumatagas na sabaw.

Dahil na rin sa kaka-promote ng bestfriend ko, dahil lahat ata ng gamit nya sa bahay nila ay Lock & Lock, nakumbinsi na rin akong bumili. Nasira na kasi ang water tumbler ko na binili ko lang sa tiyangge. Nabasag na iyong ilalim dahil sa kakabagsak kaya ayun, tumatagas na siya. At dahil super init sa ating bansa, kailangan meron kang ready to drink water kung ayaw mong ma-dehydrate.

Then I decided to get my own Lock & Lock tumbler. May kamahalan siya ha. Kasi 50 pesos lang ata iyong bili ko dun sa luma kong tumbler. Natawa pa nga ako nung bilhin ko iyon eh. Kasi nagulat kami pareho ni Allen nang bigla na lang ibagsak nung sales lady sa harap namin iyong tumbler. Nagtanong kasi kami kung matibay ba iyon. At dahil bibong-bibo si ate, biglang binalabag sa sahig ang tumbler at pinatalbog na parang basketball. At dahil dun, nakumbinsi niya kaming bumili.

Simula nun naging favorite ko ang tumbler ko. Dala ko siya kahit saan ako magpunta.

Hanggang sa...aksidente siyang mabuksan sa bag ko. Papasok na ako sa office kanina. Paalis na nang biglang maramdaman ko ang pamamasa sa aking kilikili. Naligo naman ako. Nag-deodorant pa nga. Pero bakit may liquid na tumatagas sa kilikili ko? Ang OA namang pawis nito. Parang gripo.

Then I realized my bag was dripping wet. At naloka ako ng bonggang bongga. Nabuksan iyong fliptop cap ng Lock & Lock ko and tumapon ang punumpunong tumbler straight into my bag. Mabuti na lang at water resistant iyong mga pouches ko. Hindi naman masyadong naapektuhan iyong mga gamit ko. Pero ang saklap ng casualty. Iyong mga cellphones ko.

Yes, my personal cellphone and my company issued cellphone. Dripping wet. Iyong isa namatayan ng ilaw, iyong isa ayaw na ngayong mabuksan.

At dahil diyan, gusto kong ibalabag ang Lock & Lock tumbler ko sa sahig. Iyong nga lang hindi siya breakable. So much for the vaccucm-sealed, no-spill feature. Dahil eto at dalawang cellphone ang naging kapalit ng Lock & Lock ko.

Huhuhu!

Eclipse

2010-07-04T15:05:00.000+08:00

I spent my whole day yesterday with Rez and Grace. Nanuod kami ng Eclipse sa Sta. Lucia tapos kumain sa Pizza Hut.

Eclipse was just a so-so. Medyo nabubutasan ako sa istorya. Hindi smooth ang transitions ng bahat eksena kaya mararamdaman mo talaga na may para kulang. Kung hindi mo nabasa iyong libro, maraming tanong na maiiwan sa isip. If that would be the case, just leave it all up to creative license. At usual, wala pa ring depth ang pag-arte ng mga artista. Opinion ko lang naman ito kasi as I read the book, I realized that the characters in the store have a way more deeper personality than what is being portrayed on the film.

Pero yumminess factor pa rin ang abs ni Jacob or at least...the actor who plays Jacob. Ang favorite line ko nga dun ay nung sinabi niya kay Edward na..."You have to admit, I'm hotter than you!" Ang taray di ba?

Hindi ako Eclipse fanatic so I really don't gaga over the movie. Pwede na siya sa torrents lang maski hindi na sa big screen. It was way better than the New Moon film. I can consider better din than Twilight kasi mas maaksyon.

The part I enjoyed the most was spending time with two of my best friend. Busy kasi si Allen kaya sila ang kasama ko. Sabi nga nila sana raw laging busy si Allen. I could only laugh.

I shared my sentiments on our future plans. Siyempre a little bit babbling of how hard things would for us now that we are taking these saving thing seriously. At least on my part, dahil hindi talaga ako budgetarian. Oh well...

I miss Allen. Maski kasi ngayong Sunday, may pasok siya. I was browsing the FB page of my ex-crush. Ang bad ko ba? Actually, I have to admit, meron nga rin akong crush sa office. I just don't wanna dwell on that thought too much. Natatawa lang ako kasi parang high school. May crush talaga. Hehehe!

Anyway, kung mabasa man ni Allen itong entry na ito some time in the future kapag hindi na siya busy, I don't think he have to worry about those crushes. Dahil right now...I sooo miss him.

Ang Babaing Inggitera

2010-07-02T12:26:00.000+08:00

Oo na. Inggitera ako. Inaamin ko. May mga pagkakataon na naiinggit ako sa ibang tao dahil ang saya ng work nila, ang galing nilang mag-ipon, nakakapag-travel sila kung saan-saan, nagagawa nila ang gusto nila...

Naiinggit ako ngayon. Basta. Iyon ang nararamdaman ko. Naiinggit ako sa mga taong nakuha na nila iyong pinakaaasam nilang mangyari sa buhay. Iyong pinapangarap nila. Naiinggit ako kasi nakikita ko kung gaano na sila kasaya.

Nakakainggit talaga.

Moving Forward

2010-07-01T13:00:00.000+08:00

It's the first day of July. We have a new president. Actually, medyo confusing ang feeling kasi ano na ba ang mangyayari ngayong, officially, isang Aquino na ulit ang ating pangulo. Well, good luck to all of us. Gusto ko pa rin umasa that everything will be bright and sunny soon.

Had a little chat with Ate Imee, my new bilas-to-be. Plus one sa pamilya nina Allen. Nag-honeymoon sila sa Palawan. Kakainggit naman. Hindi sa honeymoon ha. Kakainggit naman kasi nakatapos na sila. Samantalang kami, heto at kinakabahan pareho kung kakayanin ba namin ma-beat ang deadline namin next year.

Grabe, haba ng pila sa sinehan kahapon. Allen and I watched Toystory 3 sa Gateway. Nagpa-reserve na ako ng tickets ng lagay na ito pero inabot pa rin kami ng isang oras sa pila. Buti na lang hindi kami na-late sa screening time. Sobra ang Eclipse fever. Pero dahil na-frustrate ako sa New Moon last year, hindi na muna kami nagkumahog manood ng Eclipse. Wait pa muna kami ng reviews kung maganda nga ba ito. Baka naman pwede na iyang hintayin sa Torrents. Hehehe!

Super na-enjoy ko Toystory. It's a great film. Nakakahiya mang aminin, naiyak ako towards the end part of the movie. Ilang years ago na ba since I've seen Toystory 1? Ang dami na ngang nangyari. And just like the plot of the movie...the change is overwhelming. Parang ang bilis ng paglipas ng panahon. And yes, ang hirap mag-let go ng mga tao, bagay at pangyayari sa buhay natin. Ang hirap mag-move on and move forward. Ang daming bagay na ang hirap tanggapin at harapin.

Pero ang buhay at weather-weather lang talaga. People grow up. Things change. At kahit maglupasay ako, wala akong choice kundi harapin at tanggapin ang lahat.

In fairness, na-enjoy ko talaga ang Toystory 3. First time namin ni Allen manood ng 3D kaya something new talaga ito for us. Advance monthsary na namin. After the movie, kumain kami sa Dampa sa Farmers. Sarap! Iyon lang masasabi ko. Kumain kami na parang walang bukas. Mas gusto ko pa rin siyempre ang Aling Tonya's pero masarap din dun sa kinainan namin.

The night ends, with Allen taking me home. Pinakita ko sa kanya iyong template ng computation ko for our wedding. Pati na rin iyong bagong package na nahanap ko. Nang makauwi na siya, we exchanged texts.Pareho pala kaming kinakabahan. Kinakabahan sa plano naming dalawa. We ended the night consoling each other na kaya namin iyon. At kakayanin.

All I wanted is to spend my lifetime with him. Isang simple at maayos na kasal.

After Some Time...

2010-06-30T12:09:00.000+08:00

Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakakapag-blog. Sobrang busy. Busy hindi lang sa work. Busy sa napakaraming bagay...paglalakwatsa, pagkain, pagtulog at pagkakalat.

Kalat-kalat na naman ako. Sabog-sabog. Ang daming nangyari sa nakaraang ilang buwan na ba? Na hindi ako nag-post?

End na ng June. Bukas July na. Birthday na ni Allen. 27 na siya. 22nd month na namin this month. Ang redundant ng month. Malapit na kaming magdalawang taong magjowa. At eto, hanggang ngayon nangangarap pa ring makapagpakasal.

Speaking of kasal, kinasal na pala si Kuya Bong. Iyong kuya ni Allen. The big event of the year para sa pamilya nila. Nakakapressure kasi lahat sila puro kantyaw na sa amin. Kami na raw ang susunod. Maski naman kasi bunso si Allen, siya naman kasi ang very vocal na nagpaplano nang lumagay sa tahimik. Iyong kuya niyang sinundan at ang girlfriend nito ay hindi pa nagpapahiwatig.

Nakakatawa nga eh. Napakasurreal ng set up. Lahat kaming magbibilas halos hindi nagkakalayo ng edad. Parang isang malaking barkadahan lang kapag nagkita-kita kami sa bahay ng aming mga butihing jowa. Palitan ng movies, comments sa Facebook at episodes ng Glee.

Masarap din iyong feeling. Kasi parang pakiramdam mo part ka talaga ng family. Maski na sabihing officially ay hindi pa naman talaga. Nakakatuwang isipin na hindi mo kailangang maging pretentious or kabahan lagi at isiping baka may masabi sa iyo. Siyempre, may kaunting hiya factor pa rin. Napakawala mo namang breeding kung hindi ka marunong makibagay at makisama sa mga tao hindi ba? Pero I am super thankful na ganoon sila. Na ganito kami. At sana, hindi magbago iyong ganito.

Ano bang bago sa aking ngayon? Super nakakastress sa work. Wala naman akong choice kundi magsipag kasi siyempre may pinag-iipunan. Ito pa ang super nakakastress sa akin ngayon. Iyong pinag-iipunan. Nakakastress kasi tumatakbo ang mga buwan na para bang hangin lang na dumadaan. Bukas pagmulat mo, panibagong buwan na naman ang nagsisimula. Kaka-Bagong Taon lang...tapos heto at kalahati na agad ang taon.

There are times I would want to stop time. Teka, muna...time first. Tipong ganung level. Eh, kasi naman, parang hindi ko pa nananamnam ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon, heto at kinabukasan na. Ang pinakamasakit doon at ang tanggapin ang lahat ng mga pagbabagong dumadating. I get older. People around me get older. People around me, change. And sooner or later, magpapaputian na kami ng buhok, magpaparamihan ng apo.

Kung dati ang mga coffee session namin ay tungkol sa career...naging tungkol na sa lovelife and relationships...nauwi sa usapang kasalan...nauwi sa kung anong mas magandang diaper ang gamitin. Ano kaya sa susunod? Kung sinong anak ang nagvaledictorian? Kung gaaano kamahal ang tuition fee? Paramihan ng apo? Anong gamot sa rayuma ang mas effective? Saan mas magandang magpagawa ng pustiso? Anong...ano na nga bang pangalan n'yo? Alzheimer's level na?

But looking at it in a brighter point...ibig sabihin nun...until that time...magkoko-coffee sessions pa rin kami maski pare-parehong nang bawal sa amin ang kape. At siyempre, mas tipid. Dahil may senior citizen's card na kami lahat...hehehe!

Happy birthday, Eden and She...salamat naman at dinamayan niyo ako sa pagiging 29. And which reminds me...our barkada is on its 12th year na. O di ba lang? Naiiyak naman ako. I miss you guys.

What Will Happen Next?

2010-05-09T12:36:00.000+08:00

It's the day before the national elections and the streets of Metro Manila now look like this:

Pagkatapos magtapon ng pera sa sangkaterbang tarpaulin na tadtad ng mga naka-photoshop na mukha nila, paano naman kaya lilinisin ng mga kandidatong ito ang kalat na likha ng kanilang pangangampanya?

I wonder how...

Super Post Birthday Post

2010-05-07T13:33:00.000+08:00

This a long over due post.

Masaya naman ang nagdaan kong birthday. Medyo tumatanda na nga tayo at parang hindi na nababagay ang mga bonggang selebrasyon. Pero kahit paano ay nagawa ko pa ring ma-achieve ang isang matagal ko nang gustong gawin…mag-overlooking.

Allen and I went to Antipolo the Saturday before my birthday. We really had fun that day. Nothing was really planned. All we both wanted was to get to R. Magsaysay High School in Cubao. Allen will be taking his Civil Service Exam the next day and he wanted to drop by the testing venue so that he would know his way around. Hirap talaga kapag ligawin (Hehehe!)

Medyo alam ko naman kung saan iyong school pero hindi ko alam ang eksaktong lugar. Kaya learning experience rin for me ang makarating doon. Ako kasi ang human Google Earth ng mga kaibigan ko kaya ako ang laging napagtatanungan ng direksyon. At mukhang ganun na rin kay Allen na sobrang memory gap pagdating sa direksyon.

After R. Magsaysay, we went to Gateway Mall. We were planning to watch a movie that time. But before we get to the cinema, a girl handed out a flyer of Manhattan Gardens (a condominium unit being developed within the vicinity). I know that the showroom for these units is just within the mall so I talked Allen into checking it out.

Hindi pa nakakapag-try si Allen makapag-ocular ng showroom ng isang condo kaya super naaliw siya nung iniikot kami nung sales agent. Actually, naaliw din naman ako. Kasi first time ko siya makasama sa ganun. Nakakatuwa kasi nagtatalo kami sa mga gusto at hindi namin gusto sa bahay. Tapos iyong mga pagkakaayos ng mga gamit. Akala mo naman talaga eh bibili na kami.

At the end of the tour, the sales agent showed us a sample computation. The unit is quite pricey but what can you expect? It is being built on one of the most urbanized spot in the city. Wala naman talaga kaming balak bumili. Gusto lang naming makita. But we kept her computation for our future reference.

After the quick tour, my mind went crazy and I suddenly thought of Antipolo. Allen quickly agreed (he’d better do for it was my birthday! Hehehe!). We took the LRT and went off at Santolan Station. From there, we rode an FX which plies the route of Antipolo via Sumulong Highway. We went off at the entrance of Leonardo’s which is just alongside the highway.

Sandali lang ang byahe. Halos mga isang oras lang yata o wala pa. Pagdating sa Leonardo’s, nagsimula nang mag-picture-picture si Allen. Naiinis pa nga ako kasi inuna pa niya iyon kesa maghanap ng taong makakausap sa loob. Wala kasing front lobby. Ang meron lang ay mga kubo-kubong cottage. Iyon pala hiwa-hiwalay talaga na kubo ang style nila at hindi parang isang restaurant. Merong kubo na may videoke at meron ding wala. Kapag may videoke, 100 per hour. Kapag walang videoke, 50 per hour. Iyong may videoke na ang kinuha namin dahil alam ko namang mas gugustuhing mag-concert ng lolo ko kesa tumunganga at mag-emote. Iyon nga lang kailangan mo ng maraming limang piso para sa videoke.

I was teary eyed as I behold the view before me. The whole city was spread right before my very eyes. The sun was setting over the horizon giving the orangy, romantic glow. It was perfect. I was even lucky to have chanced up a brief fireworks display. It was magical. And on my background was Allen singing Born For You by Jim Brickman. Did I ever mention before that Allen sings? Well, he does. And he’s damn good at it.

Isa na lang talaga ang kulang...isang-isa na lang. Hay...

It's Noy & Mar

2010-05-07T12:38:00.003+08:00

INC had already issued its official statement. Their decision – Noy & Mar.

Naka-leave ako nang magdeklara ng pasya ang pamamahala ng INC kung sinong kandidato ang dadalhin para sa darating na eleksyon. Nang pumasok ako kinabukasan, hindi na ako tinantanan ng tanong ng mga officemate ko at ng mga kaibigan ko. Mahabang paliwanagan sa YM ang naganap para lang masagot ang mga tanong nila.

Do INC members really obey the block voting policy of the church?

Ilang beses ko nang na-encounter ang tanong na ito tuwing eleksyon. Napapangiti na lang ako sa tuwing tatanungin nila ako ng ganito. Marami kasi ang hindi makapaniwala sa tuntuning ito. Tingin kasi ng iba, pagsaklaw ito sa karapatan at kalayaang bumoto o pumili ng kandidato ng isang tao. Tingin kasi nila, isa lamang itong political strategy.

For non INC members, this rule would always be difficult to understand. This rule would always remain in contest and subject for argument or debate. It would always be hard for them to understand that it is more than just the act of voting for us or choosing a leader. It is an act of unity and faith. The INC is united as one by God. Therefore, we will always be one in our decisions and in our faith.

Hindi naman kami sa kung sinong mananalo. Pero hindi naman mapasusubalian na lumalaki ang chance na manalo ng isang kandidato kapag dinala ng INC. Ang punto nun ay ang pagpapakita ng kaisahan ng buong Iglesia. Isang bagay, na kulang sa maraming Pilipino.

We may always say that we are united by one country, one language, one culture…and yet, we don’t always see eye to eye on things.

Kapag tinanong mo kung anong kulay ang gusto…iyong isa dilaw, iyong isa berde, iyong isa lila, iyong isa asul…Kulay pa lang hindi na mapagkasunduan.

I’m wearing a yellow baller right now. I am not campaigning for Noynoy or Mar. I am wearing this to answer all their questions. I am wearing this to reaffirm my commitment to obey and advocate the unity in act and faith of this one true church I vowed to serve.

May tanong ka pa?

Random Thoughts: 2 days to go...

2010-04-24T12:29:00.000+08:00

1. Two-days na lang, birthday ko na. Happy birthday to me.
2. Sorry, Dei & She dahil hindi ako nakasama sa Earth Day Gig kagabi. I was hyperventilating. Sobrang init!
3. Happy birthday, April. Binusog mo kami.
4. Created a new blog. Wedding achuchuchu. Planning on monetizing it.
5. Needing extra raket. Paging...freelance writer looking for a freelance job.
6. Spending the whole day hoarding this place at the computer shop.
7. So, damn hot!
8. I want to design this blog and personalize. Kaso nakalimutan ko na kung paano pakialaman ang mga html codes nito.
9. Writing a bit. Loving it.
10. Best wishes, Moxy.

Thinking Positive...

2010-04-16T17:07:00.002+08:00

I was riding the jeepney to Boni this morning when I read this statemet: "God always provides." It was written on a keychain, hooked on the bag of the guy seating right in front of me. Then I smiled.

I hope this is a sign. A sign of brighter days ahead for me. Like I said, I have only one greatest wish on my birthday. It's exactly ten days before my birthday and I had just gotten my visa approved. Days are indeed getting brighter. God is indeed being so very kind to me.

Now, there's only one thing I am waiting for and I am keeping my fingers crossed. I hope everything work and fall into their proper places. If this thing comes out positively, I might be getting the best birthday gift ever.

Attracting all the good and positive vibes right now.

Dahil May Isang Gaya-Gaya!

2010-04-16T10:47:00.001+08:00

Disclaimer: The other Pillow site that appears to use the blogger name: Pillow is not me. Although associated to me.

Hindi ko rin alam at hindi ko rin maipaliwanag kung anong pumasok sa tuktok ng jowa ko at naisipan niyang magblog. Well, anyways, kanya-kanyang trip lang iyan. Pero super natawa talaga ako when I checked out his blog. Not only do we share the same lay out, but we share the same blog title and tagline. Nakakaloka!

Aanhin pa raw ang punda kung walang unan.

And I could die laughing! Hehehe!

The One

2010-04-11T23:03:00.002+08:00

No list this time. I'm not making that birthday wishlist I used to do every year hoping people would actually take time to at least grant one of them. Not that I expected so much and required people around me to do so. Only those who feel doing it.

I'm not making that traditional list for I only have ONE wish on my birthday. And I do hope I would be a given a chance to live that dream until my next birthday. And that one wish...only one person can give that to me. Only one person right now could make it come true.

Yes, I have high hopes. I don't expect much though. I just that one precious moment...just that one solemn ceremony that will make everything happen. That will usher a totally new chapter in my life.

Damn, I never though I'd be this driven. I never imagined feeling so much anticipation, excitement, pressure and frustration all at the same time.

I look back to all the years in my life right now. I never regretted every single on of it. I failed, I messed up and made one heck of a circus out of my life. But if I were to live my life again, I'd live it just the way it is. If it means having this...if means having this moment...with the people who valued me so much and cared for me so much.

I would always be thankful for the blissful year that was. To that one person, whom I now rarely see. Kilala mo kung sino ka. And that yes, I miss you so much. I miss the times when you be here by my side, patiently listening to all my rants and to all these birthday blues. Thank you for putting it up with me. Thank you for keeping me sane.

To the people who breath life into my veins, I will always be indebted. I may never mention it. I rarely show this...my heart will always be filled with love. No questions asked. No buts, no if's...walang eh kasi...walang halong paninisisi. You did what you need to do with your life. I am just thankful because you decided to keep mine.

And to the "ONE." Hindi mo siguro ako naiintindihan ngayon. Pasensiya ka na hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag. Pasensiya ka na kung biglang ganito. Hindi mo pa siguro nakikita ang ganitong side ko. But I want you to know...you rocked my world. You changed everything I used to believe in. You changed that way I think and the I see things. You changed me. For you made me feel wonderful about myself. Sana hindi matapos ito. Sana hindi mawala ito. Sana kahit ilang birthday pa ang lumipas....kahit ilang birthday blues ba ang dumating...sana andiyan ka pa rin.

And yes...you are the one wish I want. A lifetime with you...no...a forever with you. I am keeping that faith. And yes...it could be so nice...growing old with you.

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Birthday Blues

2010-04-11T22:50:00.003+08:00

15 days to go.

Yes, I'm actually counting it. It's the birthday month again and the birthday blues are killing me. I should be sleeping right now. Or I should be playing Plants vs. Zombies. Or I should be doing that freaking index. Or I should be checking out Facebook.

So many other things to do. So many things in my mind right now. So many emotions.

I did it again. Out of curiosity, there is this little thing that I did when I shouldn't have supposed to. I swore never to do it again, but I did. A tiny, little thing which when I did, gave me so much emptiness. Yes, the "EMPTINESS" bothered me. And it made room for doubt. And now the doubt is slowly turning into fear.

I wanna kick myself for doing it. In my head I was like...there you go, again. I have repeatedly told myself several times before to stop doing things like. Things that make room to ambiguity. Things that stireth that calm waters. But the stubborn, hard-headed me, didn't yield. I succumb and now it's driving me crazy. I let this happened to me.

In the middle of all the birthday blues. Of the growing old brouhaha...comes this...the sudden thing of again believing something that isn't for real.

Then my heart says...have faith...for the greatest of all these is LOVE.

2012?

2010-03-26T13:05:00.003+08:00

It's exactly a month from until my 29th birthday and I'm feeling the birthday blues already. Hay...

Early this morning, while on our way to Munoz, BF and I talked about THE "wedding." I was browsing some sites yesterday and was actually talking to a caterer who called me up to tell me about the quotations she e-mailed. I showed the package they have to BF. He seemed interested but not more than enthusiastic as me to have it booked. I was like...sayang naman kasi super complete na nung package. Alanganin lang ako sa downpayment because I still don't have enough budget on hand right now. You should have seen the look on his face when he heard me telling the caterer that our tentative date was December.

It was all just a play around conversation. There were questions I had to ask the caterer regarding the package so I have to play along. Of course, they would need a date so they would answer me with the details I need. It's not like I really would push through with December...well, alright...I did consider it but due to budget constraints, convinced myself not to even think about it.

To cut the long story short, I opened the thought of moving our date a little but further...2012. And it's the answer I was frustrated about. He seemed thrilled with the idea....delighted even. And that answer, somehow left me a bit hurt. I somehow wished he would assure me and bargained that we push through with next year.

Well, I couldn't blame him. After thorough computation, I found out that our savings would be a little too short for the event we are planning to have and we will be needing more help than we can to make it.

I just feel sad. This event have become a dream for me. I never had this dream before and never in my entire life had I imagined that I would actually be dreaming of this. Not until now. Not until someone came and made me dream for it. It's just that I feel so frustrated that reaching for that dream continues to be a seemingly endless struggle.

Of course, I would argue with myself that events like these are costly and this is actually a serious decision that would a long period of preparation. All those blah, blah shit. And then I would end up more frustrated than ever.

Why is it so damn hard to get hitched these days?!

Oh well...birthday blues.

So Help Me Blog...

2010-03-24T10:42:00.002+08:00

I've been on FB, I've been on Twitter. Half of this day, all I did is post on my accounts. Been doing updates on entries dahil kalahating taon na yata akong nag-hibernate.

I just want to de-stress for a while. Medyo nakakastress kasi lately. Although hindi naman ako directly affected at hindi naman ako involve sa issue, somehow I found myself attached to it. Someone so dear to me is currently having a family problem. Ang hirap it because I am right at the middle of everything. Ang hirap talagang maging bearer of secrets. Ang hirap na ikaw ang may alam ng mga bagay-bagay but you are entrusted not to let it out in the open.

So help me, blog...

Can't Hurry Love

2010-03-23T14:05:00.002+08:00

But I want to. Allen and I are now saving up for our wedding. Medyo matindihang pag-iipon pa ito dahil barya-barya pa lang for now ang meron kami. And I don't know kung aabot kami sa date na target namin. Kung meron man akong pinagsisisihan sa last 8 years that I have been working ay iyong hindi ako nakapag-ipon para sa ganitong pagkakataon.

Who would have thought I would end up marrying? Since I hit the legal age, I programmed my mind to be better off alone. Marriage was the last thing on my list. Katwiran ko kasi, I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. I can go on living the rest of my life may asawa man ako or wala. Then I ended up eating everything I said. Dahil heto ako ngayon at nagkukumahog dahil gustung-gusto ko nang magpakasal. Sabi ko nga kay Allen, bakit kasi ngayon ka lang? Where were you all along?

Sa totoo lang, gustung-gusto ko nang magpakasal. I am so looking forward to a lifetime with Allen. Ilang beses na rin namin itong napag-usapan and the feeling is so mutual. Kasal na lang talaga ang hinihintay namin at this point. So we can start building our life together and building a family of our own.

Minsan nga iniisip kong mag-loan. Subok lang, baka sakaling umubra. Kaso, ayoko namang simulan sa utang ang lahat. Baka kasi may mahalaga pa akong paggamitan ng loan other than this one-day occasion. At isa pa, ayokong ipilit ang lahat. Baka kasi kakamadali ko, masilat lang.

Patience is a virtue. Wait...wait...wait...

Chasing Liberty

2010-03-23T13:46:00.002+08:00

I just got my schedule for my visa interview. Yes, I am going to the NY this may and I too couldn't believe it. Sana ma-grant ang visa ko. This would be the ultimate trip of the year for me, even beating the one in Palawan. And sana wish ko lang ay makapaglibot naman din ako.

I just kinda feel irritated on the process of the interview. According kasi sa pointers na ibinigay sa amin nung agent na nagpaprocess ng application namin, walang definite rule or category on the approval. Nakasalalay lahat sa moodswing ng nag-iinterview. So kung sakaling bad mood siya nang araw ng interview mo or may makita siyang mali sa pagmumukha mo, sorry ka na lang. Eto ang passport mo, chupi! Ganun daw ang magiging drama mo. Nakakainis lang kasi kapag dito, ang dali-dali nilang makapasok at makapunta. I think wala pa nga atang visa requirement. Kasi iyong mga artistang half-half ay nakakapagtrabaho dito ng walang working permit or anumang supporting papers. Nagiging point of argument na lang if they would be representing the Philippines. Parang si Alice Dixon noon na nawalan ng korona as Bb. Pilipinas International dahil US citizen siya. Samantalang ngayon ang dami nang half-breed Filipina na sumasali at nananalo sa Bb. Pilipinas. Si Asi Taulava who was accused of being a Filsham dahil wala naman daw Filipino roots and supporting documents to prove as such. Samantalang when he played in the Asian Games, he played 100% more than any Filipino player representing the Philippines. Nakakainis no?

Losing It...

2010-02-16T12:38:00.003+08:00

It's the love month and I have a confession to make. I've lost it. I've lost the real me. For the past weeks, it felt like things weren't the same anymore. I am a different person from the one looking up at our neighbor's fireworks and wondering what is instore for the year ahead.

Ibang tao na nga siguro ako ngayon kasi maski ako parang hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Hindi pa natatapos ang pinakamaikling buwan ng taon pero pakiramdam ko, isang lifetime na agad ang lumipas at dumaan sa harap ko. Pakiramdam ko, ang dami nang nangyari. Ang dami nang nagbago.

I'm losing myself to that one person I love the most. Dahil sa kanya maraming nagbago sa pananaw ko sa buhay. He changed every fucking day of my life. He change the way I view things. He changed the way I do things. He changed the future I was looking forward to.

Dahil ngayon, ang bawat pangarap ko ay kasama siya. Ang bawat araw ko ay kasama siya. Ang bawat panaginip ko ay siya. At one point when we both thought all these wonderful things are about to end, we found ourselved drawn closer to each other. We found ourselves holding on to dear life. For our life was each other. Yes, he is my life now. And I love you for the rest of my life.

Something to Think About...

2010-01-15T16:05:00.002+08:00

Wala na ata akong ginawa nitong nakalipas na araw kundi mag-isip. Masyadong talagang na-overwork ang utak ko ng bonggang.

Mag-isip ng marketing strategies para sa mga non-moving products ng kompanya. In short, pagkakaperahan. Mag-isip kung paano mase-settle ang iba naming accounts. Mag-isip ng publishing plan/program para sa taon na ito. Mag-isip ng mga bagay na dati namang hindi ko pinoproblema pero ngayon pinoproblema ko na ngayon. Sabi nga ni Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibilities. Nakakaloka! Hindi kagaya dati, magsusulat lang ako, magpapasa ng article, hahabulin ang deadline, pagkatapos nun tapos na. Mag-aantay na ako ng sweldo. Hindi ko na problema kung bebenta ba o hindi ang pinagsulatan ko. Problema na iyon ng iba. Ngayon, problema ko na silang lahat.

Dati, magrereklamo lang ako sa HR kapag kulang ang sweldo ko, malaki ang kaltas ko, mali ang computation o kaya matagal ang pag-approve sa loan ko. Ngayon, sa akin na sila nagrereklamo at problema ko na rin kung saan hahanap ng pampasweldo.

Dati, ako ang pasaway. Keber sa company rules. Rules were made to break them. Pero ngayon, kaliwa't kanan ang paggawa ko ng memo sa lahat ng nagba-violate sa company policies. Mga leche sila! Pinasasakit ang ulo ko.

Ayokong sabihing ayoko nito. Dahil ito lang ang trabahong meron ako sa ngayon. Ang masasabi ko lang is, I've seen the other side. The darker side of it. Ordinaryong empleyado ka man or extraordinaryo...parehong nakakastress magtrabaho. How I wish I could climb that mountain at the moment. How I wish pwede akong mamundok na lang at tumira sa kweba.

Again, quoting from our friendly neighbor, Spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. Na-promote ako sa isang larangan ng aking life. Isang promotion I'd rather not have. Hindi dahil sa takot ako sa responsibility. Although, I have doubts kung kakayanin ko bang pangatawanan ito. But i'd rather not have this promotion if it means losing a friend. Kung ang kapalit nito ay ang pag-alis at paglayo ng isang taong naging isang malapit na rin na kaibigan. Hindi kami close dati. Pero dala ng tawag ng tungkulin at sa linggu-linggo naming pagsasama bilang isang team, nabuo ang isang magandang friendship. And yes, we are a team. I owe it her. Dahil mas matanda man ako sa edad, mas malawak naman ang karanasan at mas matanda naman siya sa akin sa pananampalataya. At talagang mamimiss ko siya. Mamimiss ko ang teamwork namin.

Which leaves me to thinking. Para akong batang tinuturuang maglakad. Una, paggapang-gapang, inaakay, ginagabayan. Binigyan ng walker. Tapos ngayon, unti-unting inaalisan ng saklay. Una si Grace, who paved the way on what I should do. Tapos si Kuya Roy. Ngayon si Meann. Tapos si Allen. Parang unti-unti akong pinapalakad na mag-isa. Sana lang hindi ako madapa. Makalakad ako ng diretso at makarating sa dapat kong puntahan.

Yes, there might be some changes. Until tonight, I can never be too sure on what is bound to happen. My entire future is kept hanging afloat. At malalaman ko lang ang verdict mamayang gabi. It's so funny on how in a snap of finger, lahat pwedeng magbago. Lahat pwedeng mag-iba. In a click of a finger, in a push of a button...ganun kadali lang. Daraan at lilipas ang lahat na para bang hanging umihip lang. Parang isang panaginip. Ang tanging patunay lang na nangyari iyon ay ang mga peklat na maaaring maiwan ng mahapding sugat ng nakaraan.

Siguro iyon ang dahilan kung bakit kapag tayo nasugatan, nagkakapeklat. Para ipaalala ang lahat ng ating kapalpakan. Para may pagkatandaan. I hate being old. I hate being old alone. Sana kung pwede sa pagtanda ko, may kasama ako. May hahawak ng kamay ko. May hahaplos ng mga peklat at tatanungin ako kung masakit pa ba. Pero kung hindi naman mangyayari iyon, sana kaya kong magpa-Belo...para i-laser lahat ang mga peklat. Forever flawless.

Last Day

2009-12-31T09:11:00.002+08:00

Last day of 2009 and I'm cherishing every moment of it. Kahapon, I flooded my FB shoutouts with thank you's to the people that made my year right. I was teary eyed as I look back dahil ang daming nangyari sa akin this year. Mga life changing situations na ni sa hinagap ay hindi ko inimagine na pagdadaanan at mararanasan ko.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. I looked at him sleep like a baby, oblivious of what happens around him. Then I ask myself...am I willing to do this for all the days of my life? Am I willing to be with him for the rest of my life?

Nakakatakot. Kasi bago sa akin ang pakiramdam na ito. To love someone so much. To want someone so much. It aches inside knowing how much longer I would have to wait. We both have to wait. Kung pwede lang bukas na or mamaya. Pero alam ko kapag hinog sa pilit ang bunga, mapakla.

This is me. A different one from the person that used to post entries on this blog a couple of years back. Noon, nangangarap lang ako. Nagtatanong kung ano bang pakiramdam ng ganito. Ngayon, heto na ako. So full of love.

I took the risk of falling. At hindi ko pinagsisihan iyon. Natatakot pa rin ako. Kasi wala namang kasiguruhan lahat sa mundong ito. Natatakot pa rin akong sa bandang huli, masaktan lang ako. Pero hindi ko ipagpapalit ang sandaling ito. Na maging masaya ako.

Sa bagong taong papasok, hindi ko alam kung anong maaaring dumating at mangyari. Ang panalangin ko lang, sana kahit anu pa man iyon, maging matatag ako at matapang. Na sana kayanin kong lahat iyon. Kayanin naming pareho.

Happy new year. More pillows to come.

The Year That Was...2009

2009-12-27T07:30:00.000+08:00

JANUARY

1. Rez and Grace's wedding. Super ngarag with all the details and stuff. But thankful that everything went on smoothly.
2. Went to Manila Ocean Park on our 5th monthsary. Had a great time. That was my first time to try flying a kite.
3. The weather then was so freezing cold!
4. Went to Bataan and joined Allen's family outing.

FEBRUARY

1. Reality bites. Nalaman na sa bahay na INC na ako and that Allen exists. Medyo may konting resentment and indifference. Ganun naman yata talaga sa simula.

MARCH

1. Paul's first birthday.
2. My first Santacena without Grace.

APRIL

1. My first birthday celebration with Allen.
2. Was promoted and well...then came in my regularization

MAY

1. Having trouble handling too much responsibilities.
2. First time I brought Allen to Pasig
3. Had a major, major fight with Allen.

JUNE

1. Met Glenn in person and went to their house in Cabanatuan
2. Still having a hard time dealing with responsibilities.

JULY

1. Allen's first birthday celebration with me.
2. Mid Year Pasalamat...my first thanksgiving without Grace
3. Turned 4 years as an INC member
4. INC 95th anniversary celebration

AUGUST

1. She and Onad's wedding. Ngarag again.
2. Foodtrip and roadtrip with Eden and Mic
3. Lolo's bday. It was also the first time he was hospitalized and almost spent his birthday in a hospital.
4. Again, Allen goes to Pasig.
5. By the end of this month, Ka Erdy passed away

SEPTEMBER

1. Our first anniversary which celebrated one week in advance at Soneva.
2. The day of our anniversary was Ka Erdy's internments. We spent the night along Commonwealth Ave. Had a chance to get inside the Central Temple. Napagkamalan pa nga akong buntis eh.
3. Busy with work. Stressed with responsibilities.
4. Received a series of suspension by this month, I think.
5. And of course...who could ever forget, the tradedy named Ondoy.
6. Proposed to Allen and started talking about wedding plans.

OCTOBER

1. Trying to move after the great storm. Super great devastation caused by Ondoy.
2. Went to Tarlac and met some of Allen's relatives.
3. Lolo was again, brought to the hospital.
4. Lola took an endoscopy.
5. Went to Pasig City Hall with Allen for my voter's registration.
6. Allen's graduation.

NOVEMBER

1. Lolo was hospitalized and had a TURP which ended up in more complications. After being discharged two days after his operation, we brought him back there again for a longer stay. This was the grimmiest part of my year when I thought I was about to lose him. I realized, I'm not ready for that...yet.
2. Allen gave me an engagement ring
3. Still serving suspensions.
4. Received my 13th month pay and bought my EEEPC.
5. Paghahandog ng Lokal ng Araneta.

DECEMBER

1. First time kong tumupad ng Pamamahayag.
2. First time kong tumupad na Kalihim.
3. Bought gifts for my family.
4. Had my EEEPC reformatted.
5. Went home to Pasig again.
6. Kuya Arnel's wedding.
7. Year End Pasalamat...missing Grace so much

It's a whole new world for me now.

Random Thoughts: Wedding Bells Again

2009-12-27T07:05:00.000+08:00

1. Thanksgiving was great. Love the outfit but weren't able to take some photos. Target for next year: DIGICAM! hehehe!
2. Eden and She are brewing up a year en meet up. Kaso hindi naman magkatugma mga sked.
3. Had a long day yesterday. Kasal ni Kuya Arnel. I ended up coordinating the reception. Kaya heto, puro paltos ang paa ko. Hindi kasi ako ready. Wala akong dalang tsinelas at wala akong dalang clipboard.
4. Had a quite great time with the future in laws. Hehehe!
5. Uploading pictures in Facebook. Buti na lang nahiram ko kay Tita iyong digicam niya.
6. Cherishing the few days left for this year. What's instore for me next year?

Random Thoughts: Sweet November

2009-11-27T16:33:00.002+08:00

1. Dalawa lang pala ang post ko this November. At matatapos na ang buwan.
2. Matatapos na naman ang taon. Reflecting again on the year that was.
3. Ano nga ba ang bago sa akin? Ano bang pagkakaiba sa nakaraang taon?
4. Well, I'm engaged! Hehehe!
5. Long weekend na naman. Can't wait for that.
6. Hapi kaarawan na kay bestfriend!
7. I'm loving my new Asus 1005HA EeePC. Sa wakas! Nakabili na rin ako.
8. Nakakasawa rin pala ang internet. Hehehe!
9. The other day, Allen and I were talking about rent. Planning on where we would live. Hope we could find a place we both can afford.
10. Wanting this wedding to happen soon because all this anticipation is killing me!
11. Cleaned my table! Sa wakas! Mukhang office table na rin ang lamesa ko.
12. I really hate rush hours. Lalo na kapag sa Makati ka nagtatrabaho.
13. Maganda ba ang New Moon? Nakakatamad panoorin kasi haba pila.
14. My hair is frizzy and tangled. REBOND!
15. Sana ang susunod ko namang malinis ay ang kwarto ko.
16. Melts in my hands not in my mouth...
17. Addicted to Glee. Can't wait for more episodes.
18. I miss reading. Hope I could find time to do that again.
19. Sana ngayong may sarili na akong computer ay magkaroon na ako ng kasipagang muling magsulat. Kailan ba mare-reincarnate si Breanna De Leon?
20. Wala na akong maisip na pang-20...

I Dream That One Day...

2009-11-17T18:37:00.003+08:00

I dream that one day this forever would come true.
I wish that this forever begins now.
Kung kaya ko lang hatakin ang mga araw.
Kung kaya ko lang gawin ngayon ang bukas.

Ako ang nagsimulang magtanong. Kasi gusto kong makasigurado sa sagot. Pero nang masagot ako, hindi nabura ang mga alinlangan at takot. Na paano kung ang sagot ay hindi manatiling sagot.

Ganito pala ang feeling nito. Hindi ko pinangarap na mangyayari sa akin ito. That I would wear a ring similarly like this one. Pero mabigat pala itong responsibilidad. This is a concrete reminder of how the future should be. At napepressure ako sa pagdating ng future na ito.

Gusto kong i-fast forward ang lahat. Without that much anticipation. Gusto kong magkatotoo na lahat ngayon.

Pero in all fairness, super kakilig pala ang pakiramdam. Kahit walang fancy concepts or gimik. Pero the moment this ring slipped into my finger, I realized I can't live a life without you.

Let's Talk About ***

2009-11-05T16:45:00.001+08:00

Medyo parental guidance ang topic ng blog ko ngayon. Pasintabi sa mga ka-churchmates ko at sa mga taong wholesome ang tingin sa akin. This is a subject matter that is highly inevitable to discuss. Let's face it, this is a part of our lives dahil hindi rin naman tayo mabubuo ng wala ang prosesong ito.

Taboo talagang pag-usapan ang topic na ito. Lalo na sa isang konserbatibong lipunang tulad ng sa atin. Pero kung tatanggalin natin ang malisya, ito ay isang usaping dapat malawak ang pang-unawa natin lahat. Siguro nga kaya maraming nagkakamali ng desisyon sa bagay na ito dahil na rin sa kasaraduhan nating pag-usapan ang ganitong bagay.

I remember Eden's blog. One of her post tackled it. Is it a choice? Yes. It is. Hindi ako promoter at advocate ng premarital sex but I know a lot of people who have done it. May mga kaibigan ako who have tried this. At hindi ko sila hinuhusgahan. Pwedeng para sa kanila tama ito. Pwede ring para sa kanila isa itong pagkakamali.

If I were to give my opinion on this, isa lang naman ang sagot ko. Mali. Yes, no matter how hard I try to justify it or anyone of us try to for that matter, mananatili itong mali. Sans religion. I stand on that view. Mali at bawal.

But because society can most of the times push these principles down the drain and it's inexplicable capability to shift the gravitational pulls of morals, ethics, norms, standards or however you may wanna label it, what seems to be wrong is pressumed right and vice versa.

Honestly, I used to be one of the people who has this "I don't care!" attitude. Buntot mo hila mo, sungay mo sunong mo. Basta ba kaya mong pangatawanan ang gagawin mo, go ahead. Pero in the end I end up to be a coward. Biglang pumapasok pa rin sa utak ko na mali iyon at hindi tama.

Pero siyempre, mas mabigat na ang pagproprotesta ng utak ko ngayon. Lalo ngayon na iba na ang kalagayan ko. Having been enriched with doctrines, medyo nagiging mabigat sa dibdib na rin ang isiping wala akong pakialam. Lalo na at karapatan at kahalalan ang nakataya.

Pero hindi ako magpapakaplastic. I used to be an NBSB. I used to dream how it is to have a man in your life. All the romance, all the thrills, all the sparks and yes...all the intimacy. To say it, bluntly...siyempre curious din ako kung ano ba talaga ang sex...ano ba ang pakiramdam nun?

Mas malakas ang temptation ngayon na may BF na ako. All the curiosity that could kill a million of cats came flooding by my mind. There is the liberal me reasoning na: "Eh, ano naman magpapakasal naman kami?" "mahal naman namin ang isa't isa!" Lahat ng baluktot na katwirang pilit kong itinutuwid.

Siyempre hindi ko ibubulgar online all the gory details of those intimate moment I share with my special someone. At sige, husgahan niyo na ako hanggang gusto niyo. Walang halong kaplastikan. Siyempre may intimate moments naman kami. Hindi naman kami mga tuod at bato no!

But I still choose to remain a virgin. At kahit maraming pagkakataon at sitwasyon, nananatili akong ganito. At kahit minsan at the back of my freakin' mind, I am tempted to loose it, kapag humulas ang trip at bumalik ako sa tamang wisyo, I realized how much I would like to kick myself in the ass for being stupid.

Pero hindi ko aangkinin ang credits kung credit man itong matatawag. I owe it to that someone who, despite everything, remains to stick to his ideals. Remains to stand firm. Nakakatulong iyon ng malaki. Na iyong mismong partner mo have that advocy and will to keep things on how it should be. Bihira na kasi iyon. Men who think beyond their other head and got the balls to stick with it. Mahirap iyon ha. Kung ako ngang babae nahihirapan. Edi mas lalo ang mga lalaki.

Iba nga siguro talaga iyong may takot. And I admire that. Let me correct that...I love that. Hindi ako perpektong tao. Marami akong nagawang pagkakamali at ginagawang pagkakamali. But to have people to remind that I am wrong makes me feel how blessed I am.

Minsan kasi sa sobrang tigas ng ulo, kailangang tuktukan ako ng bonggang-bongga bago matauhan. Adobe sa tigas, adobe rin ang katapat.

Random Thoughts: Why can't it be?

2009-10-15T20:15:00.002+08:00

1. Why can't I be totally happy?
2. Masaya naman ako ngayon. Except for that sinking feeling deep inside of me.
3. Reminder: Lahat ng sobra ay masama.
4. Ang hirap mag-justify ng mali.
5. In the first place, why do I need justifications?
6. Ang tigas kasi ng ulo.
7. Lingering...holding on to a moment that isn't supposed to be.
8. Gusto ko ng maging tama ang lahat.
9. Nagmamadali ba ako masyado?
10. Hindi ko rin masabi. Basta ang alam ko gusto ko na.
11. Ang hirap naman ituwid ang mali. Ang hirap ding panindiganan kung ano ang tama.
12. I wish I could find the courage to swim up the surface again. Because I am drowning at the moment.
13. Sanity badly needed.
14. Logic and reasons...they seemed to be lost here somewhere.
15. Ang tigas talaga ng ulo.
16. Wala rin namang nagpapahirap sa iyo kundi ang sarili mo.
17. Think about it.000000

Random Thoughts: Surviving Ondoy

2009-10-12T09:19:00.001+08:00

1. We were hit by Ondoy. I experienced lampas-tao baha. Ang bahay namin na never binaha for the past 20 years, pinasok ng baha.
2. After Ondoy, came Pepeng. What's next?
3. Brown outs paralyzes the city.
4. May bagyo man o wala, wala pa ring kakwenta-kwenta talaga ang MRT.
5. Public commuting is terrible. Traffic na, wala pang masakyan.
6. Pasig's waste management had gone to waste. Namamaho na kami wala pa ring naghahakot ng basura.
7. As usual, wala pa ring mapala sa mga government officials.
8. I wonder what is keeping GMA silent these days. Cooking up another scandal habang abala ang tao sa natural disasters?
9. Kanya-kanyang papogi na ang mga kumakandidato. Taking advantage of natural disasters.
10. It was nice to see Eden again after a while. Long coffee talk, as usual.
11. Looking forward to a life with you. Sana talaga...
12. Ipon-ipon-ipon...
13. Super gusto ko nang magka-laptop.
14. Need to find a raket.
15. 2011 pa naman di ba? Pwede pa ba akong mag-abroad para makaipon? Paging friends overseas...badly need opportunities here.
16. Sabog-sabog na buhay, sabog-sabog na utak.

Random Thoughts: Surviving Ondoy

2009-10-12T09:19:00.000+08:00

Right In The Middle of Nowhere

2009-09-25T11:08:00.002+08:00

Kumusta ka na?

Ito ang tanong na ang hirap sagutin ngayon. I am right in the middle of nowhere at sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung okey pa ba ako o hindi na. I feel numb right now. Para bang sumasabay lang ako basta sa agos at nagpapatangay lang kung saan dalhin ng hanging. I have been like this for so many years now. Just when I thought I have moved on, I suddenly realized I am still as messed up as before or even worse. Hay, hanggang kailan ba ako magiging ganito? When will I ever learn? When will I ever grow up?

Sad to say, ang katigasan talaga ng ulo, walang ibinubungang maganda. I have resisted and yes, often times kept my eyes and ears closed to the screaming reality. Kaya heto, kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ako makausad o makaahon man lang. Hay!

I have plans, yes. I have been planning my life naman eh. Kaya lang nananatiling drawing ang lahat. And there are times that I doubt kung magkakatotoo pa ba ang mga planong iyon o mananatiling pangarap na lang. Hindi pala porke narinig at nakuha ko na ang sagot na hinihingi ko ay may kasiguraduhan na. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko pa ito maramdaman. May mga times pa rin that I feel emptiness. Hindi naman ganito ang pakiramdam ko nung una kong marinig ang sagot. Masaya ako dahil definite na. Nabigyan na ng malinaw na katuparan ang pangarap ko.

Pero ngayon, bumalik na naman ang doubts ko. Matapos mahawi ang saya at kulay na hatid ng moment na iyon, I'm back to square one. Seryoso ba iyon? Dapat ba akong maniwala? Dapat ko bang panghawakan iyon? Anything can happen. Anything is bound to happen. Ang masakit lang, dahil sa sagot na iyon, I began to dream...plan and live for that future. Paano kung hindi pala ganun ang mangyari?

Sino ang may mali? Iyong sumagot o iyong nagtanong? O baka naman mali ang tanong at pagkakatanong? Ah, ewan! Basta pakiramdam ko, this is not how things should be. Sana mawala na ang doubts ko. Sana magkaroon ako ng reassurance. At sana, manatiling maramdaman ko naman ang essence ng sagot na iyon.

Ngarag Mode

2009-09-15T16:48:00.002+08:00

Ngarag is an understatement. Dahil sobrang hanggang anit na ang stress ko. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ipagsasasaksak ang stress sa katawan ko.

MIBF na naman. Dati-rati hindi naman ako affected ng book fair. Ang tanging role ko lang ay pumunta sa venue ng fair, mag-ikot maghapon, makikain at tumambay sa booth. Noon iyon. Nung andun pa ako sa dati kong kumpanya. Pero iba na ngayon. Ngayon kagaya na rin ako ni Rio na nangangarag. Alam ko na ang feeling niya ngayon. And I am not liking every minute of it.

Tapos broke pa ako. Oh, well, lagi namang ganito ang sitwasyon ko. Kahit saan ako mapadpad, lagi na lang akong broke. Hindi na natuto. Binabatukan na nga ako ni Grace. Isang sakit na yata ang kawalan ko ng sense of budgeting. Ngayon pa naman na kailangan kong mag-ipon. Ngayon pa naman na kailangan talagang maging budgetarian ako. Saan bang school nag-o-offer ng degree on saving and budgeting?

Wedding plans. I'm planning my own wedding. Oh, well, at least nangangarap ng sarili kong wedding. Matagal pa naman ito. Not in the coming year. Pero dahil adik ako, simula ng maging paksa ito ng usapan namin ni Allen, I have obsessed so much about it. Na-excite ako kasi kahit paano nagkaroon ng concrete na usapan about it. Plans were made. And yes, the possibility of a wedding seemed clearer than before.

Aaminin ko. Gusto ko na talagang mag-asawa. I was happy when we both talked about it. I was excited when we actually made a crucial list of the people we would want to participate. No final date yet. At siyempre, pareho pa kaming mag-iipon para rito. Kaya lang weird ang utak ko. I am now hunting for venues and caterers. In a way gusto ko kasing magkaroon ng overview on magkano ba dapat ang pag-ipunan.

Although may nakapagsabi sa akin. Hindi raw napaplano ang ganyang bagay. No one can ever be prepared for it. They just go through it. Kung ako nga lang ang tatanungin, gusto ko bukas na. Maski walang magarbong handa, walang bonggang gowns, walang magarbong venue...Ang mahalaga sa akin ay iyong ceremony itself. Isang tahimik at solemnong ceremony lang. Maski simpleng pagsamba lang at hindi gown ang suot ko. Maski wala na ngang reception. Ang mahalaga, kasama ko sa araw na iyon ang pinakamamahal ko, pati na rin ang mga taong nagmamahal sa amin.

I just want to get married. Period. Gusto ko lang ikasal. Iyon ang mahalaga sa akin. To have the blessing to be with the person I love for the rest of my life. Iyong maaari ko nang simulan ang bawat araw ko ng kasama siya. Iyong bawat hakbang at lakad ko, nariyan siya sa tabi ko.

Gusto kong umuwi sa bahay at the end of the day with that one special person. I want to spend my weekends sharing a hearty dinner. Cooking sumptuous dishes. Decorating a place we can call our home. And yes, eventually, taking care of little angels to brighten my days.

I just want to be a good wife and mother. Sans all the frills, the drapes, the flowers, the gowns, the colors that decorates a wedding venue. Dahil wala nang hihigit na kulay pa, wala nang gaganda pa, wala nang mas sasaya at wala nang mas nakapagpapagaan ng pakiramdam sa isang tahanang puno ng pananampalataya at pagmamahal. At sana...makabuo ng isang ganun. At sana, mapanatili ko itong ganun.

Do Whatever You Want Part 2

2009-09-11T12:40:00.002+08:00

No, I don't want us to end here. Ayokong manatili na lang na ganito ang lahat.

Oo, maraming beses sa naging desisyon ko sa buhay ko, naging tanga ako. Oo, matigas pa sa bato ang ulo ko. Oo, maraming beses you have proven your point. Na tama ka at mali ako.

The worst decisions were the ones I made on my own. The smart ones were the ones I made with you. Oo nga ngayon nagdesisyon ako. Nagdesisyon akong pumasok sa isang bagong yugto ng buhay ko. You know what hurts? No matter how much that decision made me happy, mananatiling kulang hangga't wala ang approval mo. Hangga't wala ang inputs mo.

Akala ko maiintindihan mo ako. You of all people ang higit na nakakilala sa akin. Kung paano ako magmahal. Kung paano ako masaktan at kung gaano katigas ang ulo ko.

You, of all people, ang inaasahan kong umintindi ng sitwasyon ko ngayon. Dahil pinagdaanan mo ito. Dahil minsan mo ring tinahak ang landas na ito. I saw you there. I saw you through it all.

Sana ma-realize mo na hindi ko rin ito kayang mag-isa. Hindi ako kasing tapang mo. O kasing lakas mo. Alam mo naman iyon. Huwag mo naman akong iwan ngayon. Huwag naman sana. You're my pillar of strength remember?

I refuse to end up this way. I refuse for us to end this way. I refuse for us to end. I just wish I can keep you.

Do Whatever You Want

2009-09-09T18:52:00.002+08:00

I had wished for several times now that I could do that. That I could do whatever I want without breaking laws, without disappointing people, without hurting others, without violating any human rights. But I can't.

Yes, I could do whatever I want but without suffering the consequences of what I had done. And that is where my stubborn mind fights back. Then what is left is this guilty feeling.

I hate feeling this way...being happy and yet torn with guilt. Today is one of the happiest days of my life...the days I have always been dreaming of. Kung pwede nga lang araw-araw kong i-duplicate ang ngayon. Kung pwede lang sana bawat sandali ng buhay ko ganito lang.

Pero hindi ko naman kayang pigilan ang pag-ikot ng mundo, ang pagpapatuloy ng isang realidad sa paligid ko. Na kahit magpaanud pa ako sa kasayahang nadarama ko ngayon, alam kong lulunurin din ako ng realidad na ito.

I feel guilty because I have to make up stories just so this day could happen. I feel guilty because I have to shut people out of my life. I had to shut the rest of my life.

Mali ba na piliin ko kung saan ako masaya? Pagiging makasarili ba iyon?

Mali nga sigurong labagin ang mga rules. The standards. The norms. Mali nga sigurong balewalain ko ang lahat ng prinsipyo ko.

Pero ayokong tanggaping mali na nagmahal ako. Ayokong tanggaping mali na pangarapin kong mabuhay habambuhay para sa taong mahal ko. Dahil ganito ako magmahal. Buo. Walang pagdadalawang isip. Kayang iwan ang lahat pati na ang sarili ko.

Siguro nga mali. That I might be doomed to be hurt in the future ahead with the way things are going. Again, comes my stubborn reply: Kung ito man ay isang pagkakamali, ayoko na yatang maging tama.

Sana I could just easily make this decision. Sana I could just easily choose the life I want to have. Without disappointing people. Without pressuring people. Ang daming sana...puro na lang sana...ang masaklap, lagi na lang hanggang sana...

Friends For Sale

2009-09-02T13:55:00.002+08:00

Student 1: Uy...walang bumibili sa akin. Bilhin n'yo naman ako...
Student 2: Magkano ka ba?
Student 1: 65,000
Student 2: 65,000? Eh, kulang na pera ko. 60,000 na lang pera ko.
Student 1: 60,000 na lang? Pag-ipunan mo naman ako...

The Towers That Rise

2009-09-02T12:32:00.002+08:00

I looked up the sky above me and caught a glimpse of the familiar four towers with its red warning lights glaring in the dark sky. Then I looked back on the stream of people all pushing their way in. Everything is so surreal.

A couple of months ago, linggu-linggo ako sa Central para sa aking personal na panata. Tuwing pupunta ako roon, ayoko nang lumabas. Napakatahimik kasi at napakapayapa ng paligid. Ibang-iba sa magulo at maingay na mundo sa labas. Dumaraan ang oras nang hindi mo namamalayan. At sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam mo kasi alam mong nasa isang ligtas na lugar ka.

Pero iba ang sitwasyon kagabi. Nabasag ang katahimikan at nawala ang kapayapaan. Napalitan ng mga pagod, hapo at nagsisiksikang mga kapatid. Ang malawak na bulwagan papasok sa templo, punumpuno ng mga tao. Mga taong lahat nais silayan ang Ka Erdy sa kahuli-hulihang pagkakataon.

Tinungga ko ang bote ng mineral water na iniabot sa akin ni Allen. Hapung-hapo na ako. Masakit na ang paa ko, nagugutom na ako at umiikot ang paningin. I had just recovered from fainting due to hyperventilation. Hindi ko kinaya ang siksikan ng mga tao.

Umaga pa lang kahapon when Allen texted me about it. Naiinis daw siya sa kapatid niya kasi kung anu-ano ang finoforward. Sa umpisa kasi pareho naming ayaw paniwalaan ang lahat. Isang adik na pagbibiro lang ito ng mga walang magawa sa buhay. Then came the official statement. The news spread out like wild fire. Namayapa na raw ang tagapamahala. Wala na nga ang Ka Erdy.

Ka Erdy is the executive minister of Iglesia ni Cristo. Having been an INC for four years now, malaking respeto at paggalang talaga ang inuukol ko sa kanya. I have never met the man personally. But I have heard his names many times already. Kadalasan pa nga, puntirya siya ng mga pantutuligsa at pang-uusig.

Who would ever thought that a few years later, I would end up mourning the man? Hindi ko maipaliwanag pero nung una kong makumpirma ang balitang ito, kinilabutan ako. Nawindang ako at nawala sa wisyo. I wanted to cry. Iyon nga lang nasa office ako at hindi ako maka-emote ng todo. I only have one instinct. I have to be there.

Pakiramdam ko ako iyong namatayan. Mixed emotions. Pero weird din kasi nagluluksa ako sa kamatayan ng isang taong ni minsan sa buhay ko ay hindi ko man lang nakamayan man lamang. His teachings, his guidance, his insights have been a big part of my life for four years now. At ito ay isang desisyong hindi ko pinagsisihan sa buong buhay ko.

Kaya frustrated ako. Kasi andito ako at nakaupo. Naghalfday ako sa opisina. Bumiyahe ng malayo para lang makapunta rito. Pumila ng mahaba. At salamat sa ilang mga kaibigan at kay Allen, we were able to move up a little to the front of the line. At pagkatapos ng lahat ng tulakan at siksikan, heto ako, nakasalampak sa malamig na semento. Pinanonood ang mga taong nagpupumilit pa ring pumasok.

Malapit na sana kami. Nasa unahan si Allen, hawak ang kamay ko ng mahigpit, pilit na hinahatak niya ako upang makapasok kami sa pilang pandalawahan lamang. Nakakapit sa braso ko si Grace. Mahigpit na para bang batang mawawala. Gusto rin niyang makapasok. Kasama namin ang iba pang mga kalokal. Iyong iba nahiwalay na. Nagkawalaan na kasi kami nang biglang magpapasok. Kanya-kanya na kasing takbuhan papasok.

Iyon nga lang sa gitna ng pakikipagbuno namin, naramdaman ko ang pangangapos ko ng hininga. Itiningala ko ang ulo ko para kumuha pa ng hangin pero umiikot na ang paningin ko. Nararamdaman kong unti-unti akong gumagaan. At si Grace unti-unti ko nang nadadaganan. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang sumuko ang hininga ko. I was grasping for air. People around me started worrying. And the rest is history.

Mahabang kwento pa ang naganap habang nakaupo ako sa gutter na iyon. Pero nang medyo bumuti na ang pakiramdam ko at nagsimulang umusad ang pila, hinayaan ko na si Allen na makapasok. Hindi ko na rin naman kayang makipagsiksikan. Grace decided to go home. Pagod na rin kasi siya at naputol na ang momentum na magpumilit pumasok. Naawa naman ako sa kanya. I wanted to accompany her kasi mag-isa siyang uuwi at malayo ang lalakarin niya papunta sa parking. Pero I also wanted to stay and wait for Allen.

The latter won over me. Isang oras din siguro ang pinaghintay ko. Nagbadya pa ngang bumuhos ang ulan. Sa loob ng isang oras na iyon, marami akong realizations. I realized how weak I was. Akala ko malakas ako. Akala ko I can win it all. Pero nakakaya pa rin pala akong igupo ng mga fears ko. Nang mga kahinaan ko. I feel so sad about it. Ang masaklap pa, nadamay pa lahat ng mga kasama ko.

I realized, mag-isa na naman muli ako. My bestfriend took off and left. My boyfriend head out on his own. And I was there. Sitting out cold and alone. Kanina lang may nakahawak sa kamay ko. Kanina lang may nakakapit sa braso ko. Kanina lang they were both reassuring me that everything will be fine. Pero nawala rin sila. Not that I blame them. I just realized na darating talaga sa point ng buhay ko na mag-iisa ako. Siguro nga I must learn not to depend my happiness on someone else.

Sila...si Allen at si Grace...they were two of the most important people in my life. Actually, dalawa sa mga taong naging malaking bahagi ng buhay ko...buhay Iglesia ko. Pwede silang mawala. They could leave me for reasons of their own. But as I glanced back the crowd, na-realize ko na ang mundo ay patuloy na umiikot. At hindi ito tumitigil sa pag-ikot.

Pero mabait ang Ama. He always finds ways. He always sends someone in the most unseemingly situations. Nakapasok din ako dahil sa tulong ng isa pang kapatid. Iyon nga lang mag-isa ako sa pila. I went through the entire process alone. At parang bata na natututong maglakad, mabagal ang bawat hakbang ko.

I was unsure of where to go and what to do. I was merely following the queue. As I walked up the steps papunta sa kanya, it became clear to me. We all have our own destinations. May kanya-kanya tayong takbuhin at lakbayin. Anuman ang gawin natin, isang daan lang ang dapat lakaran nating lahat. Isang pila lang ang dapat nating sundan. Never mind kung mag-isa ka. Ang mahalaga, tama ang pinili mong daanan, tama ang pinili mong puntahan, tama ang narating mong hangganan.

Ipinagpahinga na nga siya ng Ama. Natapos na nga ang kanyang takbuhin. Pero tayo na narito, nagpapatuloy pa. At sana makapanatili hanggang wakas.

I walked outside the temple looking for one familiar face. Then I saw him. Seating on the gutter a few meters away from where I was sitting before. He rubbed his eyes and looked up to me.

Alam ko inaantok na siya. Alam ko pagod na siya. Alam ko gutom na siya. Then I looked up the towers again and uttered a short prayer. Salamat po. Salamat po kasi andito siya.

Random Thoughts: Dahil May Isang Adik Dito!

2009-08-28T22:09:00.002+08:00

1. I let Allen read my last post. I just wanted to share my thoughts and my feelings. Kaso ang end up? He was reading my entire blog. Ay, adik!
2. Ang weird ng umaga ko kanina. May isang lola akong nakasabay sa byahe at tinulungan kong sumakay ng bus dahil ang dami niyang bitbit. I end up accompanying her to her destination and listening to her stories the whole bus ride. Eto ang malupit, she started showing me pictures and telling me pabida stories of her one and only son. Nirereto pa ata sa akin. Kawawang anak, walang kamalay-malay na binubugaw siya ng nanay n'ya! Hehehe!
3. Planning for the big day next, next week. Excited na ako. Sana umokey ang plano.
4. Emo mode iyong last post ko. At pauulit-ulit ko rin kung basahin.
5. Yey! I can now fly to Cuba! Adik sa Mafia! Hehehe!
6. Yey! Long weekend ulit. Labadami..

Lo...

2009-08-27T11:45:00.000+08:00

"Magalit na kayong lahat sa kanya, pero ako, hindi ako magagalit sa kanya."

Your words struck me like lightning. It lingered into my ears. At this moment, tears started to fall. Then I felt like I don't deserve this. The unconditional love you have forever given me.

Nung bata ako, kinatakutan kita. Makita ko pa lang ang sinturong nakasukbit sa bewang mo at ang iyong galit na mukha, alam ko na...malaki ang kasalanan ko.

I grew up fearing you. That every time I would commit mistakes, I know you would be mad at me. Kaya nga siguro hanggang ngayon ganito ako. Laging walang mukhang maiharap sa iyo. Dahil alam kong may mali ako. Then I would see that disapproving face again. Then I would see the disappointment.

Hindi mo lang alam. It breaks my heart every time I would see the disappointment in your face. Nung akapin mo ako nung college graduation ko, bakas ko ang kaligayahan mo. Ramdam ko ang kasiyahan. Dahil sa wakas, matapos ang maraming taon ng pagpupunyagi, pagpapagal at paghihintay, nagbunga rin ang mga paghihirap mo. Sa wakas, may napatapos ka rin.

Hindi ko nare-realize ito noon. Dahil ang pakiramdam ko, ang laging nakikita mo ay ang pagkakamali mo. I failed to see how you have spoiled me so much. Na sa tuwing magkakasakit ako, ikaw lagi ang nasa tabi ko. Asking me what I feel and what I want. Laging may pag-aalala sa mukha mo. Laging parang problemado ka. Kasi nasasaktan ako. Kasi nanghihina ako.

Hindi ka perpektong tao. Hindi lingid sa akin ang lahat ng mga naging pagkakamali ko. Isang bahagi ng buhay mo na hindi ko kayang kwestyunin. Dahil ang choice na ginawa mo at ang paninindigan mo sa lahat ng ito ang siyang dahilan kung bakit naririto ako ngayon. Tao kang nagkakamali...at nagmamahal.

Hanga ako sa pagmamahal mong iyon. Because it lasts forever. Na kahit sa dapithapon ng iyong buhay, heto ka at patuloy na nagmamahal. Salamat sa lahat ng pag-aalaga. Salamat sa lahat ng pangaral. Kahit pa nga bumubula ako lagi sa kakasabon mo, hindi akong magsasawang pakinggan ka.

Alam mo, dahil sa iyo, nabuo sa puso ko ang isang pangarap. Na sana minsan sa buhay ko dumating ang isang lalaking tulad mo. Iyong kaya akong mahalin ng buong-buo gaya ng pagmamahal mo. Iyong kayang hawakan ang aking kamay habambuhay gaya mo. Iyong kayang manatili sa tabi hanggang lumipas ang maraming taon gaya ng pananatili mo ngayon. Iyong kayang tumanda kasama ko.

You were the ideal man. The perfect dream boy. At ngayon nangangarap ako na sana, maging mapalad din ako. Na sana pagkalooban din ako ng isang tulad mo.

Ngayon nakikita kong ganyan ka, nalulungkot ako. I thought I almost lost you. And I've realized one thing. Hindi ko pa kayang mawala ka sa buhay ko. Hindi ko pa kayang ipagpatuloy ang mga araw nang hindi mo hinihintay ang aking pag-uwi. Hindi ko kaya ang walang nagsesermon at nananabon sa akin kapag nagkakamali ako.

Nakikiusap ako. Sana manatili ka pa riyan. Diyan sa isang lugar kung saan lagi akong bumabalik. Sa isang lugar na alam kong puntahan kapag malupit ang mundo sa akin. Sana tuwing uuwi ako, andiyan ka pa rin at nakaabang, nananabik...sa pagbabalik ko. Sa pagbabalik ng isang batang pasaway. Your prodigal granddaughter.

I am sorry for the times I have failed you. Hindi ko gustong biguin ka. Dahil alam kong maraming kabiguan na ang iyong pinagdaanan. I am sorry for the times I've hurt you. Sana alam mo kung gaano kita kamahal. Kung gaano ka kahalaga para sa akin.

I will always be your favorite little girl. You will always be the man of my life.

Nakikiusap ako. Pahiramin mo pa ako ng panahon. Antayin mo muna akong bumuo ng sarili kong mga pangarap. Kagaya ng mga pangarap na binuo mo. Antayin mo muna akong matagpuan at makasama ang isang kagaya mo. Antayin mo munang matagpuan ko rin ang tulad mo. At kung darating man ang takdang panahong iyon, gusto kong ikaw ang maghatid sa akin patungo roon. Magmamartsa pa tayo ng sabay sa kapilya. Ihahatid mo pa ako di ba?

'Wag muna, Lo. Antayin mo pa rin sana ako.

3 Malls In An Hour

2009-08-27T08:41:00.002+08:00

Manonood dapat kami ng And I Love You So kagabi. Pero kakahanap namin ng sinehan na tatanggap ng passes, we ended up mall hopping. Imagine? Three malls in an hour - Trinoma, Eastwood Mall and Cybermall. When we finally got to Eastwood Mall in Libis, ayun tumatanggap na pala ng passes. Kaso sobrang late ng last full show nila kaya nag-dinner muna kami sa Jollibee, Cybermall - ang branch ni Titoy. Kaso after eating, nagbago ang mga isip namin and we all ended up going home. Not meant to be.

Lolo's blood pressure shoot up last week. He was rushed to the hospital two days before his birthday. Ayun, napauwi ako bigla. I was so worried. I was crying the moment I received the text. Buti na lang okey na siya nung dumating kami sa ospital ni Allen. Tatlong araw ring tambay ng bahay namin si Allen. In fairness, alam na niyang puntahan iyong bahay naman sa Pasig ng siya lang mag-isa. Hehehe!

Sana maisakatuparan ko lahat ng mga pinaplano ko for our big day. I was whacking my brains out with plans and ideas. I even made an itinerary. Pero nung nag-compute na ako, mukhang hindi abot ang budget. But I do hope that day would be special. Sana...

Hard Habit To Break

2009-08-13T10:29:00.002+08:00

I have tons of work to do and yet I find myself ignoring these papers on my desk and browsing to this way to familiar site to againt rant.

Yes, this has become a hard habit to break. The blogging thing, the Internet, Facebook, Farmtown...all the cyber reasons for me to unleash stress or just procrastinate. Procrastination that is. Iyon naman talaga ang puno't dulo. Ang pagpetiks na ewan ko ba. Simula ata ng magsimula akong magtrabaho ay naging habit ko na. Minsan nakakainis. Pero minsan sadyang wala lang talagang magawa kaya pumepetiks. Sarap kasing pumetiks. But I have realized one thing...mas mahirap magpanggap na busy kesa ang totoong magpaka-busy. Mas nakakastress na magpanggap na nagtatrabaho kesa sa aktwal na pagtatrabaho.

I am late again for work. Another hard habit to break. Kakambal ito ng procrastination sa taas. Kahit saang kompanya, lagi na lang yata akong awardee ng memo on suspension due to tardiness. Not that I am proud of it. Siyempre umiiyak ako pagdating ng sweldo at wala na halos akong kinikita dahil nakakaltas iyong mga minuto kong late at iyong suspension. Kaya nga dati na-engganyo ako sa mga flexible sched na walang late, late. Pero siyempre hindi naman pwedeng ganun. Buti na lang hindi ganun kalupit ang pagde-deduct ng lates dito sa bago kong kompanya. Unlike dun sa pinanggalingan ko. But still, hindi pa rin ako dapat nale-late. Well, you can say that again. Say it a hundred of times until it get through my thick head.

Going overboard. Well, another hard habit to break. Masyado kasi akong over anticipating and overly expecting sa maraming bagay. Tuloy, I always ended up frustrated and disappointed. Madalas din kasing nagko-conclude na ako at nag-a-advance na sa magiging resulta ng mga bagay. Then I'll end up stressed and depressed when things don't go my way. Hindi ako mahilig magplanner but I do plan and worst, create a future way beyond reality. Kaya kapag ayan na, nakakafrustrate kasi hindi naman talaga ganun ang kinalalabasan.

All be damned. Adik din ako sa ganyang prinsipyo sa buhay. Once my emotions get into me, all be damned talga. Mahilig akong bumuo ng sarili kong mundo kung saan isa lang tao ang bida. Iyon tuloy kadalasan, I end up shutting out friends, family and people who care. Iyong tipong bawat araw, bawat gabi, bawat paghinga, bawat pagsasalita at bawat takbo ng pag-iisip ko ay nakabase lang sa isang tao o bagay. Obsession na nga iyon siguro. Or a prelude to it. Nagiging dormant ako. Tuloy I end up losing friends and earning the fury of my family. Ang worst pa dun is kapag nawala ang taong iyon sa buhay ko...wala nang naiiwan sa akin. I am left alone because I have shut everybody out. Hay!

Curiosity kills the cat. And so does stubbornness. Nagsimula sa isang simpleng tanong. Isang maliit na tanong na hinanapan ng sagot. Nang mahanap ang sagot, hindi pa nakontento at bumuo pa ulit ng mga sanga-sangang tanong...what if ganito, what if ganyan....at kahit pa sinasabi nang tigilan na ang pagtatanong, umiral ang katigasan ng ulo at nagpatuloy sa pagtatanong at pagtuklas ng kasagutan. Then I ended up on a road I shouldn't have taken. I ended up doing something I shouldn't have done. At biglang nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Hindi pa naman ako nagsisisi...so meaning hindi pa huli ang lahat. Pero nakakatakot pa rin iyong part na hindi ko pinagsisisihan. Alam kong mali pero hindi ko matanggap na mali. Ang saklap pa...ang matigas kong kukote...nangangatwiran pa. Mali na kung mali. Pero kung ganito rin lang ang pagkakamali, ayoko na yatang maging tama. May ganun?

Now tell me...how can I get out of this mess? Kung mismong sarili ko, nagproprotesta. Nakakatakot lang kasi masaya ako ngayon. At kadalasan, kapag masaya ako ngayon, nauuwi sa pagpalahaw ng iyak ang lahat kinabukasan. Ayoko na ng ganun. At natatakot ako. Kasi kapag bukas umiyak ako, sa tingin ko, kukulangin ang mga luha ko para hugasan at anurin ang sakit. And that will be the painful realization of how big an idiot I was. Sana hindi dumating ang araw na iyon.

Being Me...

2009-08-11T09:19:00.002+08:00

I am starting my day with a blog. I haven't done this in quite a while. Since I started blogging ages ago, my visits on my own blogsite have become scarce and less frequent. Minsan lang talaga, therapy kong i-broadcast sa buong cyberspace ang mga kabaliwan ko.

Late na naman ako. As usual, I am being me again. Sobrang grabe MRT ride ko. I always have a mouthful of silent curses for the MRT admin dahil sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, hindi nila magawang masolusyunan ang toxic na pila at siksikan sa MRT. MRT EDSA is the worst electronic train transpo in the country if not in the whole world. It is even worse thatn LRT Avenida na mas decaded ago pa ang kalumaan kesa sa kanila, mas mahaba ang nilalakbay at mas marami ang sumasakay. May mali somewhere, somehow. People just fail to notice. Ay, hindi pala. Let me rephrase it. People just REFUSE to notice.

Nilibing na si Cory. I was watching SNN last night with Kris Aquino in tears. The mourning continues. But most importantly, what happens next? Yes, life goes on. But does that mean that the same mistakes shall continue to prevail. Her death saddened all of us because we realized how truly great she was. Ganun naman talaga. Malalaman mo lang ang halaga ng isang bagay kapag nawala ito sa iyo. Iyon nga lang tayong mga Pinoy may sakit na amnesia. Ang mga ganitong pangyayari, nauuwi na lang sa mga history books na sandamakmak pa ang factual errors. The lessoned learn and the values imparted were lost and forgotten. And this become the saddest part of everything.

Sheridan's wedding is a few days from now. Will have dinner tonight with her and the rest of the barkada to talk about prewedding details. At siyempre ang pagiging on the day coordinator ko. Another wedding in the barkada. At eto epal na naman ako. Weddings excite me. It is so endearing to see two people vowing undying love for each other. It feels and looks so surreal.

A friend mentioned to me that some people I know have trampled upon my blog and were actually reading it. I feel touched when she mentioned a certain friend who recognized the pseudonym. Somehow, cyberspace have become smaller. Noon kasi, kahit anong search ko, hindi ko makita ang blog na ito. I guess traffic is building up and the hits have become more and more frequent. I do feel a little invaded, honestly. Kasi siyempre, dito ko ini-express lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Knowing some people I know are actually reading it kinda makes me uncomfortable.

Eh, bakit pa ako nagbablog? Oh, well...oo nga naman. Kung ayaw ko pala mabasa ng iba, bakit ko ba pinapublish ang mga entries ko. I guess nahihiya lang kasi ako. Pero I appreciate people taking time to read. And yes, you will get to know a lot about me if you read the entire site. Pero siyempre, that would mean 5-6 years worth of blog posts. Medyo marami-rami iyon.

Ang masasabi ko lang...happy reading!

Random Thoughts: And I Love You So...

2009-08-10T09:46:00.003+08:00

1. LSS: And I love you so...people ask me how...kasalanan ito ng walang patumanggang promo para sa Bea-Sam movie na ewan ko kung maganda. Curious akong panoorin kaso wala pa akong budget.

2. Is this goodbye? Hindi ako sigurado. A part of me somehow is at peace knowing that she is leaving. Kasi medyo nakakastress na siya lately at talagang makababawas sa stress ko kung mawawala siya. Pero nalulungkot din ako para sa kanya. Malaking bahagi siya ng lahat ng ito. Anu't anuman ang nangyari at kinalabasan ng lahat, I still feel for her dahil alam ko kung anong pakiramdam ng mawala ang isang bagay that really gives sense to your career.

3. Guilty. Hindi ko sinasadya. Hindi ko hinangad. At lalong hindi ko pinlano na agawin sa kanya ang lahat. Sitwasyon ang naglagay sa amin sa ganito. Nakakalungkot lang kasi ang ganda ng naging simula namin. Only to end this way. I pray I wouldn't end up the same way as she did. And I keep on praying that all my prayers will be heard.

4. Guilty ulit. I have been doing something I shouldn't be doing. I was almost caught red-handed recently. Kaya eto super nagi-guilty ulit ako. This is becoming a hard habit to break.

5. I am missing a lot of people. I am currently on a state of depression. Maraming bagay ngayon sa buhay ko ang magulo at walang kalinawan. Walang kasiguruhan. Umikot na naman ang roleta at ngayon, ako ulit ang namumura. Kung paanong naging maayos ang lahat a few months ago, unti-unting gumugulo ulit lahat. I hope I am not standing on a crater of a volcano, ready to errupt any minute. Wag naman sana.

6. Wala naman akong ibang dapat sisihin kundi ang sarili ko. I should have known better.

7. Ang mahirap pa nito, I am also fighting a battle I didn't start. Sarili ko na ngang buhay pinuproblema ko, pati problema ng iba, problema ko na rin. This is starting to be exhausting.

8. Everytime I look at Grace, I could feel happiness glowing all over her. I am happy for her dahil successful ang married life niya. It all the more emphasizes how my life is a mess. Looking at her, makes me wish na sana...isang araw, marating ko rin iyon. Makita ko rin ang taong magpapasaya sa akin. Ang taong bubuo at kukumpleto sa basag-basag kong buhay at pagkatao.

9. Lost and found. I am both lost and found. I am thankful that I have found a great person to love at nararamdaman ko naman that he loves me in return. I am just lost in confusion sa nararamdaman ko. Kasi mahal ko siya at natatakot akong mauwi lang sa lahat ang wala. Hindi ko rin masabi sa kanya itong nararamdaman ko dahil ayokong i-burden siya ng mga kapraningan ko. Wala naman talagang sigurado sa mundong ito. This is the reason that faith exists. Kasi kailangan maniwala at manampalataya that everything will be alright no matter how ambiguous the situation may be. My uncertainties are killing me. So does my love. Sometimes I hate myself for being this way.

10. Bakit ba kasi ganito ako magmahal? Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi at ipinayo sa mga kaibigang shunga sa pag-ibig na magtira naman sila para sa mga sarili nila. Eh bakit ako mismo hindi ko masunod ang sarili kong payo? Bakit ba kailangan itodo? Bakit ba kailangan ibigay ang lahat? Bakit ba kailangan maging unconditional? Paano kung matapos ito? Paano ko kaya muli bubuuin ang sarili ko?

11. How lonely life can be...bakit ganun? Sa bandang huli...I always end up this way...alone...

Deja Vu

2009-08-04T12:12:00.002+08:00

EDSA and Makati were filled with thousands of people yesterday. All carrying banners of yellow. Yellow confetti showered all over the place. Suddenly, it was 1986 again. A blast from the past. It was like reliving those historic moments when people gathered in EDSA and peacefully, expressed their disgust and inapproval of a government that have seemed to stranggle them for a decade.

Yesterday's event was so surreal. I was reading news articles and I can feel shivers down my spine. I could feel tears welling up from my eyes. Cory may not be a perfect president but she sure was a good one. Proof to that are the millions of Filipinos mourning her demise.

It was such a sad week for the whole country. We loss a great person. Her sincerity and compassion truly made a mark in the hearts of everyone. And at this point in time when such values are becoming extinct from public servants, one can really say, "Sayang..."

Nakakapangilabot ang mga pictures, videos at news feeds. The spam of messages and condolonces over the Internet through Youtube, blogs, Friendster, Twitter and Facebook were overwhelming. Makes me think...kung si GMA kaya ang namatay, will people be grieving this intensely? I doubt.

They are both the same woman. They are both presidents. They are both mothers. They are both Kapampangan. The only difference is that, Cory has a better heart than hers. Sorry to say, pero the way our the government is reacting or its non of reaction fuels more disgust to a nation very much annoyed by the vagrant corruption and greediness of its officials.

Ayoko sanang magsulat ng tungkol sa politika. Dahil naiistress ako. Pero this one, I really feel like blogging about it. Hindi ako fan ni Cory. But I am a self proclaim admirer of her sincerity and compassion.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

2009-08-03T08:38:00.002+08:00

Yellow ribbons flooded everywhere. It was morning of August 2, 2009 when the whole nation was awakened by the news of the death of former President Corazon C. Aquino. People started crying and grieving. In a snap, political conflicts were silent by this unfortunate incident.

It was Senator Benigno Aquino, Jr. who announced her death. Television interviews of the Aquino siblings aired almost every minute. All except for the most famous of the clan, Ms. Kris Aquino. It was yesterday at her show, The Buzz when I first caught a glimpse of her. I could see her pain and her agony.

My heart goes out to the family. I am not a Cory or Ninoy fan. I have my own dose of criticism myself. But I'd rather not speak at the moment. I could say she was the lesser evil of among all the presidents. She may have her own share of mistakes during her term. The economy didn't seemed to have soared up after her term. Maraming pwedeng sabihin. Maraming pwedeng ipintas.

But I salute her for being an epitome of a great woman. Her leadership is something that comes from the heart. She has one thing that GMA doesn't...a heart. A heart full of love and compassion. I can feel that everytime she would come out on TV and share her thoughts. She was eloquent yet prudent in answering criticisms. Try watching GMA's SONA and Cory's...you'll spot the very big difference.

"Power intoxicates..." I quote it from her. I remember her giving this comment during the EDSA II rallies. It was something that lingered on me. For this was proven true by the people who were given the authority or the power to rule. Sa tuwing makakakita ako ng mga taong nabigyan lang ng pagkakataong makaangat sa iba, pero nagbabago na ang pananaw. Nagbabago na ang tingin sa sarili nila.

I salute Ms. Cory Aquino's humility. As she stepped down and relinquish her presidency when her term ended, she remained low-profiled and private. Not much publicity. She doesn't speak up unless asked to do so. I salute her for being above anything else, a good mother. Sa totoo lang, ngayon ko lang nakita ang mga anak niya. Except for Kris and Noynoy who were often headline makers, her other children remained afar fromt he limelight living their simple lives. Nakakatuwang isiping hindi pumasok sa ulo nila ang pagiging anak ng president at ng isang national hero.

With Kris' neverending controversies in the past, it was very hard for a mother to remain poignant. But yet, Ms. Cory Aquino remained to be one. A perfect example of grace under pressure. She had a lot to put up to. Losing the one person you love the most, starting a whole new life with an ambiguous future, leading a country forward and being a mother to five children. That is more than anyone could handle. Idagdag mo pa ang ilang kudeta na nagdulot ng panganib sa kanyang sariling buhay.

I extend my condolences to the family of the bereaved. I may not personally know her or her family, but it is with great sincerity that I extend my deepest appreciation and admiration to a very great woman.

Her yellow brick road ends here. But this country's journey shall continue.

Random Thought: Focus, Focus, Focus!

2009-07-31T11:56:00.002+08:00

1. Had a great day in Araneta Center, Cubao during the INC 95th Anniversary. First time kong maka-attend ng anniv celebration. Feels great to be part of it.
2. Gained new friends: Ate Vhang and Choy na katropa namin during the annive celeb.
3. Now becoming a Farm Town addict. Hirap na kasing makapasok sa Pet Society at Restaurant City.
4. Had recently recovered from fever and cough. Nawalan ako ng boses last week. Buti na lang gumaling ako before Pasalamat and the anniversary.
5. Last July 30, I'm officially four years in INC.
6. I've been contemplating on whether to have another tungkulin. Nire-recruit ako ni Allen na mang-aawit kaso wala akong talent dun. Although, pangarap ko pa rin maging organista. Pangarap lang. Hehehe!
7. Nakabakasyon mode these past few days. Ubos na leave ko, ubos na rin pera ko.
8. Nakakatawa ba kung sasabihin kong gusto kong bumalik sa Vibal? Come on, Vibal friends, tell me...or laugh at me?
9. Congratulations sa lahat ng nakapasa sa Nursing Board Exams. Sa mga hindi pumasa, don't be sad. Try and try lang. Di ba, Cha? Hehehe!
10. I love the fireworks during the INC anniv. Spectacular. Buti na lang na naabutan namin.
11. Allen has also become one of my current addictions. Kausapin mo ako at wala kang maririnig sa akin kundi Allen, Allen...si Allen, Allen...malala na ito!
12. Medyo nailang naman ako when Allen's bro discussed wedding details. Namiss kong mag-organize ng wedding. Pero siyempre nahiya naman ako kasi hindi kami close tapos all of a sudden chika kami about wedding details. Pero exciting iyong idea. Hehehe!
13. Oy, hindi ako iyong ikakasal ha. Napag-usapan lang.
14. Marriage is not for me. Kahit nangangarap akong ikasal, I still have doubts about it.
15. I am again entertaining the thought of working abroad. Sana may opportunities na dumating.
16. Guilty of not being able to be in Pasig these past few days. I miss our home.
17. Ang chismis nga naman. Spreads like wild fire. Noon siguro, kaya kong sabihing wala akong pakialam! Pero hindi na ngayon.
18. Too close for comfort.
19. Healthy distractions...must have!
20. Looking forward for our 1st anniversary. Sana matuloy ang mga plano.
21. Magpapaka-emo lang ako. Masaya ako ngayon with you. Sana hindi iyon magbago. I often wish we could stay this way always. That we could be together forever. Sana. I'll never get tired of saying this...i love you.

My SONA

2009-07-23T13:22:00.002+08:00

Inspired by ABS-CBN's SONA mo, i-patrol mo campaign. Lahat na lang pina-patrol na ngayon. Pambihira! Hehehe!

Ano na nga ba ang state ko? Well, sa legal status...it still remains to be single. Very much single with no dependents kaya bonggang bongga ang kaltas ko sa tax. Sa mga hindi makapaghintay kung kailan mapapalitan ang status na iyan, eh habaan n'yo pa ang pasensiya n'yo dahil medyo mahaba-habang hintayan pa 'yan. At sa totoo lang, minsan nakakarindi rin ang mga banat na "Kayo na lang ang inaantay namin..." o kaya naman ay..."O, kailan naman kayo?" or "Kailan bang plano n'yo?"

Utang na loob. For 28 years, ngayon ko lang naranasan na magka-boyfriend kaya hayaan n'yo naman muna akong mag-enjoy na may boyfriend. Okey? Darating tayo riyan sa tamang panahon. Wag naman mam-pressure. Hehehe!

Hindi ako magpapakaplastic. Siyempre minsan hindi naman masama ang mangarap at managinip. Pero realista ako. Hindi ako gumagamit ng Maggi Magic Sarap. At hindi rin ako nagluluto. Realista lang ako period. Ayokong magmadali and then end up regretting a decision I made out of pure impulse. Lalo na ngayon na clouded ang logic and reasoning ko ng mga kaganapan sa paligid.

At least sa Friendster at Facebook...in a relationship naman ang status ko. Sa Facebook nga naka-specify pa kung kanino eh. Hanggang dun lang muna. Kahit pa mukhang umaalingawngaw na naman ang mga wedding bell sa paligid, mag-i-earphones muna ako. Hehehe!

Countdown until Pasalamat. 95th anniv ng INC. 4th anniv ko naman as a convert. Proud to be one.

Countdown din of turning a year with Allen. So far so good. Kahit pareho kaming busy-busyhan lately at kahit mukhang after Pasalamat ay hindi na naman ako mamamataan sa lokal. Change is always inevitable and unavoidable.

She's wedding is nearly within two weeks from now. I still haven't talked to her kahit pa I promised to helped her out sa wedding day niya. I just wish everything's fine with her. Busy rin kasi ang schedule ng lola kaya ayun medyo hindi rin kami magkahulihan sa mata. Yes, She, if you are reading this, I would really love to see you before your wedding.

Eden's still MIA. Well, at least from blogspot. I miss your blogs. Sana you would find your heart again to write. Masarap magsulat. Masarap maging manunulat. Nasasabi ko yan kasi ngayon miss na miss ko na ang pagsusulat. And yes, I dream that one day I could go back to that. Writing stories that warms the heart and touches one's soul. O di ba? Idealistic pa rin.

I had just recovered from flu. Isang buong araw akong inbalido sa bahay dahil nilalagnat, sinisipon, inuubo at masakit ang katawan. Buti na lang at hindi ito A(H1N1) kundi malamang lahat kayo ay isinusumpa na ako ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin kanais-nais ang remnants. Allergies...arrggghhh! Allergic po ako sa gamot kaya ayun, I always end up having rashes kapag nilalagnat.

For the past six months...

... nawala si Grace sa bahay and I started to live on my own.
... organized a beautiful wedding for my best friend
... I was somewhat promoted at for quite some time, naramdaman kong maging mayaman. Pero short-lived lang. Money and me...is not quite a good combination. Hehehe!
... I turned a year older.
... went to Manila Ocean Park and flew a kite
... went to Bataan and meet the...oh well..."in-laws"
... went to Cabanatuan on a sudden misadventure
... brought Allen to our house in Pasig. It was his turn to meet the "parents"
... moved back to Pasig and back to LJ and back to Pasig and back...walang katapusang moving back and forth
... nag-Santacena ng wala si Grace
... nag-PNK Pasalamat without Grace
... tried out so many things I haven't tried out in my whole life

Random Thoughts: Inaantok

2009-07-14T13:14:00.002+08:00

1. Woke up at 5:30 am. Did the laundry while having coffee and yosi. Did the dishes, ironed clothes, ate crackers for breakfast on an FX while chatting with Ka Grace. Multitasking morning.
2. Playing Mafia Wars.
3. I miss Jamby and Moxy.
4. Trying to find a good printer for this.
5. Just finished eating lunch.
6. Sakit ng katawan ko and the cold is not helping me at all.
7. Can't wait for sweldo. Need to go shopping na for Pasalamat.
8. Panata nights ulit.
9. Missing Allen kahit magkasama naman kagabi.
10. I was lying in bed and trying to relax pagkatapos ng stressful na byahe pauwi when Allen called me up. Buksan ko raw ang pinto at andun siya sa baba. Dinadalaw daw ako. Naks, bago iyon ah! Hehehe! Kilig moment.
11. Had a lovely dinner with Allen last night.
12. MRT was kind to me today. Hindi masyado siksikan. At in fairness, hindi ako na-late.
13. Birthday pala ni Jamby sa Pasalamat ng PNK. Hapi birthday, Badet.
14. Can't wait for July 18. For so many reasons.
15. Parang gusto kong manood ng BoyzIIMen Concert.
16. Pero parang mas gusto kong manood ng Harry Potter sa Thursday night.

Ten Months

2009-07-07T12:48:00.002+08:00

I got three words in my mind right now...i love you :)

Sad Movies Make Me Cry

2009-07-06T13:42:00.002+08:00

I was trying so hard not to let Allen see the tears kaya matagal pa bago napunasan ang mga luha ko while watching Ice Age 3. I was melodramatic over that scene sa simula ng movie when Diego, the sabertooth tiger, tells Sid that they have to move on dahil may iba nang priorities si Manny.

Manny builds his new family. A perfect life that drove off his friends. Somehow, naka-relate ako sa sinabi ni Diego. After my bestfriend's wedding, I felt the same way. When the excitement wears off, when the adrenalin rush of the wedding preparations ended, I was left alone in a room we used to share with nothing but myself. The whole house had this eerie silence that drove me crazy. And yes, tears are falling in the middle of the night.

Wala na nga tears ngayon. Pero siyempre, namimiss ko pa rin ang bestfriend ko. Namimiss ko pa rin the good times we had. Last March was my first Santacena without her. This July would be my first Pasalamat without her. And yes, I would be attending panata all by myself now. Wala na ang partner in crime ko.

For a couple of weeks, people kept on commenting...o, wala na iyong partner mo. O, bakit mag-isa ka na? It was like adding insult to injury. Gusto kong mainis nun kasi obvious na nga na mag-isa ka na, pinagdidiinan pa. Oh well, I get used to it naman.

But yes, last night, I missed my bestfriend. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko iyong kasama ko manood kagabi. Super love ko kaya ang movie nights namin together. It's just that, I miss movie nights with Grace.

Random Thoughts: No More Bad Hair Days

2009-07-06T13:26:00.002+08:00

1. Got my hair rebonded again. Yey! No more bad hair days.
2. Late ako kanina. Bad trip! Ang shunga kasi nung driver. Kung san traffic, dun talaga dumaan.
3. Bakit mo ba ako pinepressure solusyunan ang isang problema na ikaw naman ang nag-umpisa? Hindi mo nga yan nasolusyunan noon. Then don't pressure me into solving it today. Hindi ako janitor fish na tagalinis ng mga dumi mo no!
4. Oh well, typical Monday.
5. Happy birthday, Andrew...kahit hindi mo naman mababasa ito.
6. Belated happy birthday, She and Dei. Huli man daw at magaling, huli pa rin.
7. She, malapit na ang kasal mo. We really need to go into the details na para maiayos na natin ang lahat.
8. Another wedding in the barkada...wedding planning powers....needed again in here.
9. Bakit ba kayo lahat nagpapakasal? Nakaka-pressure na kayo ha! Hehehe!
10. Hindi, joke lang. The least I wanted right now is pressure.
11. Happy to be with you. With you to be happy.
12. Broke but not broken...well, at least may iba naman.
13. I am looking back to those years...and yes, I will always be thankful.
14. Discipline. That's a word I need to be familiarized with.
15. Discipline. Yes...kailangan talagang maging close kami ng word na ito.
16. Discipline....sige pa.
17. Ganun pala ang feeling na makita ang sarili mo sa iba. Nakakarelate ako sa kanya. Bigyan mo siya ng chance. Hindi ganung kadali ang makiharap at makisama sa mga taong ngayon mo pa lang nakilala.
18. Watched Ice Age 3 last night with Allen. Promise, naiyak ako. Basta...

To Benjie...

2009-07-06T13:11:00.002+08:00

Ayan, ikaw talaga ang title ng blog post na ito. Hehehe! Erratum po ito for the mistyped name of Benjielito Pacson sa post ko entitled, Post Birthday, which I posted las April ata, I think. Benjielito Cajucom ang nai-type ko. Dapat Benjielito Pacson. Sorry po. Magkasunod kasi kayo ni Kuya Roy. Hehehe!

Natawa lang ako when Benjie approached me yesterday at church telling me that I had his name all wrong on my blog. Question mark flew around my face. Anong blog?

Sobrang ancient times ago pa when I last posted here at nakalimutan ko nang may blog nga pala ako. I also saw a former schoolmate's comment on the same post asking who I am and if she knows me. Natuwa ako sa post niya kasi napadpad siya sa walang kakwenta-kwentang blog na ito. Nalungkot lang ako kasi parang hindi ata siya natuwa sa post ko at talagang tinanong niya pa kung sino ako. I guess, when someone thanks you for being a part of their life, hindi na ata kailangan ng maraming kwestyon pa. What matters is you made a mark on someone and it somehow made a difference in their life.

I was taken a back but flattered to find out that Benjie was reading my blog. Mukhang alam ko na kung sino ang source mo. Hehehe! But thank you for spending some time reading senseless post. Melodramatic most of the times pero mas madalas puro kalokohan lang. Hindi ko masyadong pinagkakalat ang blog na ito. I have been keeping this for three of four years na ata. This is my outlet, my diversion of whatever is in my mind. Welcome to the world of me...

Hindi ako perpektong tao. For those of you na kilala ako in person at napadpad kayo sa blog na ito, you might find this side of me a little bit different from the me that you know. Oh well...I am a complicated person with a complicated mind, living a complicated life in a complicated world. Puro complicated. Puro komplikasyon. Kaya pati ang utak ko nagkakaron ng komplikasyon.

My opinions and views maybe a little bit different from yours. At yes, tao ako...nagmumura, nagbibisyo, nasasaktan, nafru-frustrate, nagagalit, naiinis, nababaliw, naiinlove...and yes...I could be cheezyyy!

Natatawa lang ako as I trace back all the blog years that has passed. I know reading this blog will be one hell of a task. Dahil for those several years, talagang ibang-iba ang takbo ng pag-uutak ko. And this will always be me. And I will always be a figment of your imagination.

Thanks, Benjie, Meann, Moxy, Grace, Eden, Jamby, Earlie, Godo, Arlene at sa marami pang matiyagang nagbabasa ng mga kalokohan ko. Namimiss ko ang mga namimiss ko. Kitakits na lang po tayo.

Random Thoughts: On A Sunday Night

2009-06-28T22:32:00.002+08:00

1. I made a checklist of one month worth of gifts for the birthday boy and I'm on my way into completing it. Yey!
2. I miss Moxy and Jamby.
3. Adik na naman kami sa Pet Society at Restaurant City kaya gabi na nasa rentals pa.
4. Michael Jackson's gone. Sad. Just sad.
5. MOnday na naman bukas. Kainis.
6. I'm nearly broke. Need to really, really save.
7. Magulo buhay ko ngayon. At nagugutom ako.

Motionless

2009-06-15T14:37:00.000+08:00

I opened my eyes and there you were…lying still beside me. Motionless.

I looked at your lovely face. I was trying to memorize every trace, every curve, every line. Dahil ni minsan, ayokong iwaglit sa aking isipan ang lahat ng ito. Kung sana lang manatiling ganito na lang tayo.

I reached out to you and you pulled me close into your arms. I felt the warmth of your arms around me. Tamang-tama dahil maginaw. Nagsumiksik ako sa iyong tabi. Parang batang naghahanap ng masusulingan. And there I found my solace. My sanctuary. My resting place.

I can hear you heart beating. I can feel you heaving every breath. Life. A life, a moment. Is this ours?

Ewan ko. At nananatiling ito ang sagot. Dahil ang bawat sandali ay nananatiling bahagi lang ng aking alaala. At sa tuwina, hindi ko mapigilan ang mangarap. Mangarap na sana bukas ganito pa rin tayo. Na sana ganito tayo sa bawat umagang darating.

Then tears welled up my eyes. Pinigil kong mapahikbi. Pinigil ko ang bawat paggalaw. Dahil ayokong makita mo. Ayokong malaman mo…ang tunay na nararamdaman ko.

Ayokong malaman mo kung gaano ako katakot ngayon. I have never been this afraid in my life. Mas matindi pa ito sa pagsakay ng bangka, sa pagtawid ng tulay, sa blood testing, sa injection o sa mga bagay na nagdadala ng matinding takot sa akin.

Matindi pa ito sa takot ko tuwing tumatakas ako sa bahay. Sa takot ko tuwing mauubusan ako ng pera o mawawalan ng sweldo. Ang takot na ito ay yumayanig sa buo kong pagkatao. At nanatili sa isipan ko sa bawat sandali ng buhay ko.

Natatakot ako sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Natatakot ako dahil tinatangay ako nito patungo sa lugar na hindi ko alam kung saan. Natatakot ako kasi nagsisimula na akong mangarap...mangarap ng isang buhay na kasama ka. Natatakot ako kasi nagsisimula na akong umasa...that this is gonna be forever.

Natatakot ako kasi maraming bagay pa ang walang kasiguruhan sa buhay ko. Maski ikaw. Hindi ako sigurado sa iyo. Paano kung bukas paggising ko, wala ka na sa tabi ko? Paano kung ang pinapangarap ko ay hindi naman pala pareho ng inaasam mo? Paano kung ang nararamdaman natin ay hindi magkatagpo?

Ang daming tanong. Ang daming paano kung…what ifs…Nabibingi na ako. Nakukurta na ang utak ko kakaisip. At hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-alinlangan. At muli bumabalik sa akin ang takot kong masaktan. Dahil mas lalong hindi ko na kaya ngayon ang mabuhay ng wala ka.

Dahil nasanay na akong merong isang ikaw. Nasanay na akong nariyan ka. Nasanay na akong intindihin ka. Nasanay na akong hanapin ka. Nasanay na akong tawagin ka.

Nasanay na akong mahalin ka.

Thank You

2009-06-07T22:03:00.000+08:00

Thank you. Thank you for making me happy. Because there have been a time in my life that I felt I don’t deserve to be happy.

I was never a perfect person. I have committed so many mistakes in my life. I am so fucking messed up that until now I still have no idea how I am gonna fix things up. I have been a failure, a loser…a total idiot. I have put myself in humiliation for several times already. Little things may seem harmless, but when they pile up, they become a tremendous avalanche.

Thank you for making me realize that I need to fix this. Change is a choice one has to make…not for anybody else but for himself. We need to be better persons not because someone asked us to be so…but because it’s our own obligation to ourselves.

I chose to change for the better. Not entirely because of you. But you added up to the top five reasons why I should. And that weighs a lot for me. Honestly, it is never gonna be easy. Fixing things might mean being away. Changing for the better might mean sacrificing. But whether we made it through this or not…I still owe you this.

Thank you for reaffirming me that I made the right decision. It was a decision that took me a long while to take. A decision I thought I was brave enough to take until I came to this point. When you have to stand up against your own family, against the people that love you…when they can’t seem to understand and accept…you were there.

Thank you. Because I know you understand. Because I know you accept. Because I know you are backing me up.

Thank you for being a good friend. We weren’t given a chance to be friends before. But it was never too late for that. We are not exactly just mere “friends” now but I appreciate all the laughs, the good times…and the moments when we would end up finishing each other’s sentence or just hanging out. I appreciate the comfort you gave me whenever you are around. When I’m with you, I can be myself and don’t give a damn about everything.

Thank you for making me feel that I belong. I appreciate the times you would welcome me into your family. Yes, I do feel awkward and shy at times. I still have a long way to go to be comfortable with all these. But everything starts with a single step. The moment I first took the steps on your stairway, made me realize that this might be my home. Could be… and hopefully, will be. Everything’s bound to happen.

Thank you for making me believe into something I never thought I needed. Thank you for making me realize that every person was given a heart for a reason. That its every beat breaths life. That I can never survive if it stops beating.

Thank you for making me realize that this exist. That this could happen to me and that this could make me happy.

Thank you for being an answer to my prayers. For conquering my fears, for pushing my doubts aside and for proving me wrong…

Thank you for this…090708… happy 9th!

8…

Crossing the Road

2009-05-22T08:38:00.002+08:00

It was a route I seldom take. Actually, it is a road I have never been through in my life. The crossroad from where I once stood is an unfamiliar journey for me.

I admit. I am a nonbeliever. I am a pessimist. A cynic...of that one very precious thing that I thought only exists in fairy tales.Until destiny played its wicked joke on me. I soon found myself captivated...owned and possessed by that one thing I refuse to believe. The nonbeliever became a convert.

Once again, I witnessed how love conquers everything. How the seemingly end of it never came to be...

Happiness became so elusive from me for these past several days. I must admit that those were one of the most agonizing moments of my life.

"Magsimula tayo ulit..." these were the words that echoed through my heart. It would probably be the sweetest thing that I heard at that moment. I was bent on saying goodbye. I was bent on closing the door. But that ray of hope engulfed me and taught me that life will always be a cycle. That beautiful things never really have to end. They just have to rejuvenate...to maintain its serenity...to maintain its majesty.

This is where I belong. Beside you. In your arms. Taking this journey with you holding my hands gives me a better view of things to come. And yes, I will, admit, the ambiguity and uncertainness of what lies ahead continues to scare me. But I have my faith. I have my faith in you. Somehow, you may not know this...but I feel stronger knowing you are on my side. And for that, I will always be grateful.

More importantly, this has become a wonderful friendship. I am more comfortable with you now more than ever. I am more eloquent in sharing my thoughts and expressing what I feel. I am more at ease with you in awkward situations. I am more willing to share these moments with you than anyone else. And for all it's worth...yes, I love you.

This journey had thought me a lot. For one, it made me realize who my true friends are. Those who wouldn't buy my "Okey lang ako..." statement. Those who could see right through me. That even though I cracked a couple of jokes once in a while and laughed at funny things, they know that it was all just a facade. That there's a more deeper emotion underneath that surface. I appreciate all the concern. I really do. The fact that you were bothered by the way I acted showed me how you guys really know me. I am sorry if I had not been able to tell the story. The whole story. I hope you understand that I kept my silence to keep matters from being complicated. All the words left unspoken will forever remain unspoken. But I will be eternally grateful to all of you for respecting that.

In Denial

2009-05-13T13:59:00.001+08:00

Ito ang moment na kinatatakutan ko. Hindi ko sukat akalaing darating ako sa ganitong point. Na mararanasan ko ito. Dahil mali ako sa pag-aakalang magiging makulay ang mundo.

Maraming tanong sa isip ko. Naghahanap ng sagot. Ang totoo, naduduwag ako. Hindi ko sigurado kung kaya kong harapin ang lahat ng ito. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Litung-lito ako.

Alam ko. Ako ang nagsimula nito. Ako ang nag-umpisa ng gulong ito. Kung ipinikit ko na lang sana ang aking mga mata. Kung hindi ko pinakialaman ang tadhana. Kung hindi ako nakipaglaro sa kapalaran. Hindi sana ako nasasaktan ng ganito.

Ang hirap lang tanggapin na ang isang bagay na mahalaga sa akin ay mawawala. O posibleng mauwi sa wala ang lahat. Iningatan ko ito ng lubusan. Halos lahat na ginawa ko para alagaan ito. Nagbulag-bulagan, nagbingi-bingihan. Dapat bang nanatili na lang akong bulag? Dapat ba nanatili na lang akong bingi?

Hindi ko na alam. Ang malinaw lang sa akin ngayon ay ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Ang sakit-sakit. Alam ko ng pasukin ko ito, posible akong masaktan. Sumugal ako. Nagtiwala at umasa. Pero kagaya ng laging nangyayari, sa bandang huli pala, ako pa rin ang masasaktan.

Ngayon gusto kong lampasan lahat ng ito. I-past forward sa hinaharap na wala na ang lahat ng sakit. I-rewind sa kahapon na puno ng saya. What have I done? What has happened?

I am again at another crossroad. An unfamiliar road. An unfamiliar route. I wish I know where to go. I wish I could find my way out. I wish...

I just wish I could continue this journey with you. I just wish we could forever be happy. I just wish for a lot of beautiful things to happen.

One day at a time...one single step...one short breath....and now, I am gasping for air.

What the hell is happening?

2009-05-12T13:07:00.001+08:00

Isang tanong na gusto kong masagot.
Isang sagot na baka hindi ko magustuhan.
Isang pangyayaring hindi ko pinangarap na mangyari.
Isang bukas na ibang-iba sa ngayon.
Isang ngayon na kabaligtaran ng kahapon.
Bakit ganito?
Hindi ko rin alam.
Ano bang nangyayari?
Sana malaman ko.
Sana maunawaan ko.
At sana sa bandang huli, hindi ako ang maiwang talo.

Sana...

2009-05-05T12:15:00.002+08:00

Sana mali lang ang hinala ko. Sana sablay lang ang radar ko. Sana malabo lang ang basa ko sa sitwasyon. Sa nagkakamali lang ako. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon sa buhay ko, ngayon ko sobrang hinahangad na magkamali ako.

Dahil kapag ang lahat ng ito ay naging isang katotohanan, hindi ko alam kung kakayanin kong indahin ang sakit na dulot nito. At hindi ko alam kung makakayan kung makukuha ko pang ngumiti sa bawat araw na darating.

Kaya sana, please lang...sana mali ako, this time...

The Choices We Make...

2009-05-05T12:06:00.003+08:00

I consider myself as the worst decision maker in the world. There are countless times when I made decisions which I ended up regretting. There are so many times I wish I can turn back time. Iyong bang tipong sana parang Microsoft Word lang ang lahat. Kapag nagkamali ka ng type, Ctrl + Z lang pwede mo ng i-undo ang lahat and start all over again.

Kaso walang ganung option eh. Walang toolbar ang totoong buhay na pwede mong i-click para maibalik ang lahat. Ang options mo lang ay ituloy lang ang pagtatype hanggang sa tumama ang lahat, o kaya mag-new document at magsimula ulit sa umpisa hindi sa kung saan ka lang nagkamali.

Maraming beses ko ng sinabi sa sarili ko kung gaano ako katanga. Ang tanga ko for doing this, saying that, writing this, and talking to that. Pero ano pa bang magagawa ng lahat ng ito? We are all faced realities we all have to face. At kung isisi natin sa iba ang lahat, tinakasan lang natin ang lahat at pinalampas ang pagkakataong itama ang mali natin. Dahil hindi kayang itama ng iba ang pagkakamaling ikaw ang may gawa.

Iyon ang natutunan ko ngayong araw na ito.

Post Birthday Post

2009-04-27T13:21:00.003+08:00

To be honest, hindi masyadong hapi ang kaarawan ko this year. Probably one of the saddest birthday if not the saddest. Hindi festive moood. Hindi rin exciting. Pero ganun pa man, marami akong ipinagpapasalamat. The 28 years of my life have been very colorful and meaningful. Kahit pa nga sabihing para akong dumaraan sa butas ng karayom sa bawat yugtong dumarating sa akin. But I am counting my blessings...

Priscilla De Leon, Bernardo De Leon, Irene De Leon, Mercedes Mejia, Raul De Leon, Zenaida Garilao, Patricia Marie Garilao, Ian Carlo Garilao, Reginal De Leon, Rose Ann De Leon, Rosette De Leon, Gloria De Leon...

Grace Roxas-Ganuelas, Eden Bernal, Sheridan Narciso-Navarro, Mariane Hilado-Mendoza, Cynthia Romero-Paltuob(tama ba?), Rowena Bondoc-Beltran...

Carmencita Roxas, Manuel Roxas, Venus Roxas, Heston Roxas, Paul Timothy Roxas, Carl Antoiniette De Ramos...

Rez Ganuelas, Felicitas Ganuelas, April Ganuelas, Noriel Bondad, Ellaine Bondad, Felicity Elinor Bondad, Jerez Noriel Bondad...

Allen Jay Manalili, Ariane Lyn Manalili, Andrew Manalili, Arnel Manalili, Ariel Manalili, Raquel Manalili, Armand Manalili, Joy, Derrick, Lovelle, Aunti Sylvia, Ate Armie, Kuya Jun, Rain, Yanyan...

Josephine Anne Jambalos, Monica Louise Valdivia, Rio Brigino, Julius Rolando Corotan, Godfrey Dancel, Ronnie Cruz, Paul David Arcos, Richard Grimaldo, Virgilio Zarate, Jr., Bendell Yamo, Katrina Acupanda, Sherdon Evangelista, Antonette Castillo, Joanna De Leon-Hoffman, Sunshine Selga-Funa, Ezekiel Manalaysay, Jordan Dioquino, April Mae Ronario, Rhealyn Ramirez, Arlene Cammayo, Karla Abulencia, Jennilyn Abenes, Ma. Jhoanna Dajoyag, Bernard Maravilla, Rommel Lintao, Alvin Bennig, Christian Baria, Simon Peter Noche, Aldwin Cablao, Jack Nera, Rosalia Eugenio, Gerry Digo, Mary Ann Bataller, Ma. Lourdes Aguinaldo, Anne Catherine Puno, Anne Katherine Hubbard(di ko na alam apelyido niya), Rolly Gubat, Gary Esguerra, Joseph Ereno, Marie Reyes, Derrick Tan, Allan Bermido, Ecxi Mae, Ada ...

Crystalyn Joson, Rachelle Joson, Michelyn Joson, Diamond Joson, Elvira Joson, Marianito Joson, Mary Ann Miclat, Analiza Padua, Karla Joanna Delgado, Toni Gayle Delgado, Gracil Aiko Valendez, Venus Grace Valendez, Marlon Baruc, Genar Simbulan, Leandro Gonzales, Jr., Lean Mark Valencia, Krizel Anne Marcia, Joanna Quilang, Jonathan Mark Quilang, Geselle Autor, Sherryl Autor, Roy Cajucom, Benjielito Cajucom, Ate Vivian, Victoria Soliven, Eric Daludado, Ariel Abrena, Eden Abrena, Malou Gonzales, Sarah Delgado, Anthony Delgado, Mercedes Dacanay, Arnel Dacanay, Kuya Nomer, Avonne Reynon, Fenina Marie Vito, Czarine Roanni Del Rosario, Czarina Rozette Del Rosario, Yvonne Merano, Edrielle Crissa Abrena, Larrenz Castro, Lariel Castro, Larriza Cassandra Castro, Princess Soliven, Thomas Jefferson Agustin, John Eric Estorque, Sonny Salveron, Marlo Sandoval...

Irish Domingo, Jore Conol, Donna Bolanos, Jeffriel Soria, Ryan Polca, Jonathan Chavez, Michael John Gaviola, Mark Philip Dulay, Carlo Agulto, Ma. Angela Cordoviz, Kristine Apple Agcoaili, Charissa Marie Navarro, Marinelle Bulabos, Laarni Sumang, Khristine Joanne Bondoc, Rubenitz Flores, Plaridel April Pascua, Roderick Cantorna, Paul Joseph Capundan, Mary Jan Capundan, Raymante Francisco, Ellmann Caesar Cayetano, John Paul Mamorno, Marjorie Pancho...

Leshayne Baldelomar, Elisea Babaran, Anne Therese Catig, Arez Quinones, Jensen Espinosa, Ceferino Aquino III, Ryan Sandoval, Jayson Matocyon, Ron Paul Zubieto, Christine Alejandro, Cristina Tendoy, Paul Andrae Ybanez, Melona Olaya, Bethel Faye Galvez, Gayle Arambulo, Veda Anne Chavez, Mahalia Cruz, Christine Cher Villamiel, Michelle Calpito, Ray Anthony Abanto, Celestino Nagal, Mary Joyce Castillo-Nagal, Ellaine Bayani, Sheryl Varias, Vanessa, Anna Lovella De Loyola, Ryan Guatlo, Roma Dulatre, Richard Dillomes, Arthur Demain, Evangel Balmes...

Marie Dominique Umali, Merjorie Almo, Ryan Cris Cano, Normita Parducho, Racquel, Cyril, Lucille Alvarez, Katherine Paguio, Jonaleene Bucu, Ryan Jay Mistula, Joanna Corpuz, Lora Mae Paz, Arriana, John Karlo Panambo, Janelle Sunglao, Kenneth Pahati, Dennis Marcelino, Richard Onda, Chereelle Pring, Bernadeth Palma, Patrick, Janis Castro...

Michaelangelo Agner, Jernalie Dumapay, Cherie Rosales, Cherry Rojo, Jackelyn Bacolod, Lani Laolao, Rachel Tomaquin, Aprilette Cada, Florelyn Dutong, Lisabel Mata, Amelyn Oliman, Stephen Jhun Salvador, Giovanni Lara, Jiivesh Munsayac, Kristoffer Carlo Ang, Philip Marza, Roel Victor Cruz, Mercilene Gay Iquin, Cristina Pineda, Lordelyn Merin, Zhanelle Mendoza, Ma. Louella Tambogon, Eva Teresa Tena, Ma. Eleda May Dalisay, Carmi Paredes, Leilani Marquez, Ma. Dolores Alberto, Venus Guarin, Lailani Navarro, Noel Ibutnande, Dr. Robert Soriano, Angelina Borican, Edna Bernabe, Fil Viduya, Divina Pasumbal, Danny Pata, Felix Cabahug, Clarita Ramos, Ma. Lourdes Garcia, Hemady Mora, Racidon Bernarte, Ofelia Carague, Prof. Red, Sir Tolentino, Sir Saya, Prof. Andrada, Samuel Salvador, Prof. Salamat, Preciosa Rosales, si Miggy Moreno, Aling Luchi, Manang sa Joychow, Cristina Bautista, Mark Valencia, Emmanuel Navarro, Dexter Diaz, Cherry Cabigon, Prof. Mariano, Sir Viray, Nelson Baun, Prof. Herrera, Mary Joy Castillo, Marvin Lai, Salve Berces, Ma'am Flores, Sir Ben, Chanda, Jocie, Malen, Ma. Teresa Gabotero, Monossi, David Cagahastian, Ray Alan Alda, Cecile "Mommy" Gutierez, Hannibal...

Anabelle Lugar, Janice Imbong, Marjorie Imbong, Mary Ann Imbong, Yves Vivian Lourds Gallegos, Armie Bulaoro, Lolin, Yeyet, Katherine Sepuesca, Jennilyn Orosco, Maribeth Dumlao, Cdric De Guzman, Anthony Lace, Erwin Bongalos, Mariella Dureza, Ruth Rodriguez, Joanna Dela Cruz, Esther Vibal, Gaspar Vibal, Arne Queene Madrillejos, Marvin Catacutan, Carina Espino, Batch Marasigan, George Ogoy, Mary Ann Espinosa, Dolores Desiderio, Myleen Pascual, Ate Mildred, Ruel, Kuya Edward, Ate Vicky, Maritess Suplico, Christine Bersola-Babao, Bimbo Papasin, Gilda Olvidado, Glady Gimena, Josephine Aventurado, Maia Jose, Jhune Lauro, Julie Ann Santos, Karen Coloma, Jeffrey Ong, Michael Banting, Samantha Gungon, Michelle Surian, Abner Mercado, Joel (Toto), Sherilyn Eleda, Katherine Samson, Carissa Flores, Charles Christopher Avengoza, Candice Cuaresma-Go, Marilyn Gatus, Wency, Paolo Pineda, Marianna Pedrosa, Jennifer Haber, Andrea Lopez, Jonnel Macabeo, Marjorie San Pedro, Roy, LA, Papa Jay, Rej, Tita Mel, Gervin Metiam, Edith Garcia, Jun Matias, Sir Butch, ...

Every people I meet have directly or indirectly contributed a piece in my life. Good or bad, they are part of the memories that will always be a part of who am I...a part of my life. At sa lahat ng taong naging bahagi ng buhay ko na hindi ko naisali ang pangalan sa listahan...salamat po sa inyo!

It's Not Easy Being Me

2009-04-20T12:34:00.002+08:00

Hindi madaling magkaroon ng kulot na buhok na hindi mo malaman kung kulot nga ba o wavy or straight. Pati buhok may identity crisis!

Hindi madaling magkaroon ng 475/475 na vision kaya bulag ka kapag malayo na ang kausap mo.

Hindi madaling maadik sa notebook. Hindi mo pa nauubos ang pages, nagpapalit ka na agad kapag may bago na.

Hindi madaling magtupi ng plastic. Kasi nakakainis makita ang nakalamukos na plastic kaya kahit tinatamad ka na, tutupiin mo pa rin.

Hindi madaling magpanggap na okey ka kahit ang totoo, gusto mo ng sumigaw, umatungal, magwala at maglupasay.

Hindi madaling ngumiti at magbiro kahit deep inside, nasasaktan ka at nalulungkot.

Hindi madaling magkaroon ng talent na maramdaman ang feelings ng iba. Minsan tuloy pati ikaw nahahawa sa nararamdaman nila.

Hindi madaling ibuhos ang buong buhay sa taong mahal mo.

Hindi madaling mag-let go ng mga tao at bagay sa buhay mo lalo na iyong sobrang halaga at sobrang laking bahagi ng buhay mo.

Hindi madaling magpakatino, magpakabait at manatiling matino at mabait.

Hindi madaling itulak ang sarili to strive harder when every one else is waiting for you to fail and fall down on your knees.

Hindi madali to stand up for your faith lalo na at pamilya mo ang kasalungat mo sa paniniwala at pananampalataya.

Hindi madaling maging mahina sa Economics at budget management. Lagi kang hanging on the edge of the cliff kapag nauubos na ang resources.

Hindi madaling maging tagapayo at listener. Kasi kapag ikaw na ang nasa sitwasyon na iyon, para bang ang hirap sundin ng lahat ng mga bagay na mismong ikaw na ang nagpayo. At kapag kailangan mong makinig, hindi mo makilala pati sarili mong boses.

Hindi madaling maging matigas ang ulo. Maraming bagay kang dapat pangatawanan. Buntot mo, hila mo.

Hindi madaling magkaroon ng maraming kaibigan. Kulang ang salitang salamat para mai-express mo kung gaano ka ka-blessed na andiyan sila.

Hindi madaling magmahal ng isang katulad niya. Kulang ang araw kapag kasama mo siya.

Hindi madaling maging manunulat. Ang hirap kasing mangarap na isang araw, babasahin din ng madla ang iyong akda.

Hindi madaling mag-birthday. Bukod sa lahat ay nag-aantay ng blow out mo...nare-realize mo tuloy kung gaano ka na katanda at kung may pinagkatandaan ko na.

I told you. It's not easy being me.

Things I Learned When I Turned 27

2009-04-15T15:35:00.003+08:00

Dahil malapit na ang aking hapi kaarawan, siyempre, birthday blues na naman ako. Depression mode na naman. I look back the years of my life and here are some of the things I have learned after 27 years of existence:

1. Ganito pala ang feeling ng tumatanda. Nakaka-stress.
2. Enjoy simple things in life. The best things in life are free. Minsan sila pa iyong talaga nakakapagpasaya sa atin.
3. You can always be happy about something. Hindi bawal ang maging masaya.
4. Mahirap ang mabuhay sa mundong ibabaw. Mahirap mabuhay kapag mahirap ka.
5. There is no such thing as independence. Walang total independence dahil walang taong nabubuhay ng mag-isa. At some point in your life, kakailanganin mo pa ring dumepende sa iba...whether kapamilya, kapuso, kabarkada, kachokoran, katrabaho, kabisyo...o maski iyong mga taong hindi mo kilala. They represent a small percent of yourself na hindi mo pwedeng tanggalin.
6. Huwag mong antaying malaglag ang bayabas sa puno. Kapag nangyari iyon, sobrang hinog na ito at nabubulok na. Hindi mo na mapapakinabangan. Kung gusto mo ng bayabas, umakyat ka ng puno at kunin ito o kumuha ka ng panungkit para abutin ito. Maraming paraan para kumuha ng bayabas. Walang mangyayari kung masyadong mong iidolohin si Juan.
7. It feels great to have someone to hold hands with. Masarap ang pakiramdam na may isang kamay that fits rightly in your hands. Isang kamay who doesn't want to let go. At kapag saglit kang nabitawan, hahanapin ulit ang kamay mo para hawakan.
8. It feels great to wake up everymorning holding the hand of someone you love. It also feels great to hear his voice before you sleep at night.
9. Masarap ang first kiss. Hehehe!
10. Masarap maging bata.
11. Masarap magpalipad ng saranggola. Challenge ang panatilihin itong matayog sa paglipad.]
12. Words can kill. Mas matalas pa sa balaraw.
13. Home is where the heart is. Kahit anong mangyari, ito pa rin ang tatakbuhan mo kapag naging malupit ang mundo sa iyo.
14. It's our choice kung gagawin ba nating kumplikado ang isang bagay o pananatilihing simple lang ang lahat.
15. Live your life to the fullest.

Random Thoughts: Yosi Replacement

2009-04-15T15:22:00.002+08:00

- I am blogging now to keep my mind off smoking. 10 straight days...

- I'm having a hard time with withdrawal symptoms. Super sakit sa katawan, chest pains and the cravings are driving me crazy. I wonder if I can keep this up.

- Waiting...torture ito. I am still waiting for my next move. Nakakasuspense.

- Allen posted his Galera pics. Mukhang super enjoy siya. Good for him.

- Na-e-excite ako sa pinaplano kong birthday bash. Sana lang talaga matuloy.

- I'm broke. Badly needs money. Letsugas talagang postcard yan!

- I need a new pair of earth colored or white sandals. Masisira na iyong binili kosa Divisoria nung kasal ni Grace.

- I just gave Eden an advice. Hope it helps.

- I changed the look of my blog. Wala lang. Maiba lang.

- Thursday na bukas. Magkikita na kami ulit ni Allen...sa koro. Hehehe!

- Naiinis ako sa mga celebrity at feeling celebrity na nagpunta sa Bora last week. Gumawa lang sila ng eksena dun. Ginulo lang nila ang serene and majestic atmosphere ng almost paradise na island. Kawawa naman ang Bora.

- Wala na akong pera kaya nag-MRT na lang ako kanina instead na mag-per head na taxi. Nakakainis iyong babaeng sumingit sa harap ko. Hindi naman pala siya sasakay dun sa train, siningitan pa niya ako. Gusto ko tuloy siyang itulak sa platform.

- Gusto ko ng isang sakong Hershey's Kisses. Saka iyong totoong kisses na rin. Hehehe!

Random Thoughts: Ang Init!

2009-04-14T08:51:00.002+08:00

- Super init! Grabe! Ang init sa Pilipinas!
- I'm back from a week of hibernation. Work, work, ulit...
- I'm trying to cook up something fun for my birthday. Wish ko lang may budget para masaya.
- I spent my Holy Week at home. Okey naman. Na-miss ko bahay namin. Na-miss ko ang food. Na-miss ko ang mga tao. At na-miss ko ang mga sermon! Hehehe!
- Nabunutan ako ng isang tinik last week. Thank God! And thank Lolo! Hehehe!
- Allen arrived from Galera with my pasalubongs. Hehehe! Touched naman ako kasi in fairness, umeffort sa pasalubong. He gave me a Galera shirt and a pair of flipflops. Cute nung flipflops. In fairness to him wala siyang memory gap nung time na iyon at naalala niyang purple ang favorite color ko. Iyon nga lang hindi niya naalala ang size. Kaya ayun, malaki! Hehehe!
- Birthday blues na naman. Ewan ko ba. Lagi na lang akong depression mode kapag malapit na ang aking kaarawan.
- Gusto kong mag-swimming! Sa sobrang init, parang wala akong gustong gawin kundi ang magtampisaw na lang sa tubig.
- I'm trying to quit smoking. So far I've been successful this past 10 days. 1 and a half pa lang ang nayoyosi ko for the past 10 days. That's a feat! Hehehe! Pero secret lang muna. Ayoko munang ipagsabi at ayoko muna masyadong dibdibin dahil baka hindi ko naman mapangatawanan. Usually talaga kapag summer nagagawa kong mag-quit. Pero bumabalik din towards the end of the year. So, good luck to me. Hehehe!
- Gusto kong pumunta ng Baguio. Gusto ko rin pumunta ng Sagada. Anywhere basta malamig.
- Sana makabalik din ako sa Bora this year at sana with Allen. Hehehe!
- Ang sarap tumambay sa rooftop nina Grace at Rez kapag gabi. Nag-dinner kami underneath the stars. Bongga!
- Nacu-curious ako sa T2. Hindi ako mahilig sa horror movies pero parang gusto ko itong panoorin.
- Gusto ko rin mapanood iyong Monsters vs. Aliens. Sabi kasi sa review ni Toni maganda raw.
- Nakakalungkot wala kaming outing dito. Nami-miss ko tuloy ang mga outing moments ko with my former officemates.
- I miss Jamby, Moxy and Rio...ang mga dating kong officemates. I miss yosi session with Jamby. Kapag ito ang kasama ko, mahirap talaga mag-quit. Hehehe!
- I miss writing. May mga nakahain akong stories pero puro plots. May pangarap pa nga akong sulatin na non-fiction. Pero outline pa lang siya as of now. At good luck naman kung magawa ko itong sulatin bago pa may makaisip na iba nung idea ko.
- Tuwing nakakanood ako ng indie film, naalala ko iyong pangarap kong gumawa ng sarili kong movie. Kailan kaya matutupad iyon?
- Sabi ng Nanay ko matanda na raw ako. Mag-asawa na raw ako. Easy for her to say. Hehehe!
- A month ago, I was talking to Eden about marriage. I was too certain about it. Right now, I am thinking the idea all over again. Para kasing nagbabago ang isip ko.
- Ah, basta. Ayokong ma-mressure. Hindi ko alam kung anong balak niya sa buhay o kung kasama ba ako dun. Ayoko ring magtanong. I was just hoping na sana nga. It's still to early for it anyways...sabi nga ni Eden, months pa lang kami. Hindi pa years.
- Seven months. In fairness! Tatagal kaya ito ng isang taon? Sana...

Random Thoughts: Galera Edition

2009-04-02T12:16:00.002+08:00

- Gusto ko sana sumama kina Allen sa Puerto Galera. May family trip kasi sila this Holy Week. Sinasama niya ako. Ang kaso...letsugas na bangka! Kumusta naman ang 2-hour ferry boatride going the island? Iyong 15minutes nga sa Bora hindi ko na kinaya, dalawang oras pa kaya?

- I am patiently waiting for DOLE results. I'm seriously considering working there pero depende ang lahat sa kalalabasan ng aking panel interview. Ano kaya ang magiging hatol sa akin ng inampalan?

- Kailangang magtipid. Gusto ko mang magbakasyon grande, gusto kong makaipon ng onti para bongga naman ang birthday ko. Hehehe!

- April na. Deadline ko na. I have to go back home na. Soon. Ang hirap kasi umalis. Alam ko long overdue na ang decision na bumalik sa bahay. Pero somehow, I'm too afraid to take the first step. Sapilitan na naman ba ulit ang lahat?

- Your fears make you weak. Sabi ito ng isang tao riyan. Pero di ba, that's your purpose...so I can have someone to lean on whenever I feel weak. Kung weak ako, anong tawag sa iyo?

- Aasa ka na lang ba lagi sa mga tao sa paligid mo? Sino ba ang umaasa kanino? As far as I am concerned, hindi ako ang hanggang ngayon ay nakaasa pa rin sa family niya kahit kung tutuusin ay nasa tamang edad na para buhayin ang sarili niya.

- Paano na lang kapag wala na ako sa tabi mo? Bakit? Lagi ka bang nasa tabi ko? Most of the time naman wala. And even before you came, I've managed to survive all these.

- Hindi enough ang ma-survive mo lang. Believe me...surviving is everything. You don't have any idea what surviving means. Subukan mo kayang lumusong sa real world...lumabas sandali sa ideal, all-too perfect world mo...tignan ko kung kaya mong mag-survive.

- Ibang tao pa rin pala ako sa iyo. Mananatili kang iba hangga't hindi mo ako lubusang naiintindihan, nauunawaan at nakikilala. Unless you are able to finish my sentences, know what I am feeling just by looking at my face, stood up against my stubbornness and memorize my mood swings...mananatili kang iba. Wag mong sabihing imposible. Dahil may mga taong nagawa iyon for so many years. At sila ang masasabing kong hindi na iba sa akin.

- How difficult am I to deal with?

Looking For My Pen...Again!

2009-03-31T06:20:00.000+08:00

I was watching television the other day when I chanced upon a teaser from ABS-CBN. Mag-eere na sila ng isang teleserye na based sa mga stories ng pocketbooks, specifically, iyong published ng Precious Pages Corporation. Sa wakas! Na-realize rin nilang i-adapt ang mga istorya nito. Dapat noon pa nila naisip iyong dahil sa totoo lang, mas magaling ang mga writers ng pocketbook sa pagpapakilig ng masang Pinoy. Proven na iyan sa halos dalawang dekadang pamamayagpag ng mga Tagalog pocketbooks sa market.

It was just sad dahil na-realize ko rin kung gaano ko nami-miss ang pagsusulat ng Tagalog romance. Once upon a time, eh nangarap din akong maging pocketbook writer. At salamat sa encouragement ng ilang mga kaibigan na ngayon ay mga sikat na ring writers, nagkaroon ako ng chance to write and be published. Nakakatuwa kasi I never thought I would one day see a book I have written sa shelf ng National Bookstore. Hindi ko nga lang totally ma-claim kasi siyempre pen name lang ang gamit ko.

Kaya lang sa kasamaang palad, hindi ko na naituloy ang pagsusulat. I lost my pen and up to this day, I still can't seem to find it. Kasi sa tuwing tatangkain kong magsulat, puro synopsis lang. Puro simula lang, wala namang ending. Minsan I would feel the urge to write pero mawawala rin.

Natutuwa nga ako dun sa mga friends ko na hanggang ngayon nakikita ko pa rin ang mga gawa nila sa bookstore. Actually, sikat na nga sila kasi marami na silang fans. Nakakatuwa kasi nagawa nilang maging consistent sa pagsusulat.

Hanggang ngayon pangarap ko pa rin iyan. That one day, I would just be off to a quiet, cozy place writing books at my own pace and convenience. That I won't have to worry and deal with neurotic bosses, gross income margins, marketing reports, sales returns, production schedule...when I wouldn't carry the burden of the whole company on my shoulders. How I wish...I would find my pen.

Complicated...

2009-03-30T22:27:00.002+08:00

I was watching Ruffa and Ai (due to extreme boredom) and saw Gretchen Barretto trying her luck in singing. I am not a good singer myself but I really couldn't help but smirk at her pitiful attempt to catch attention. She also kept on bragging her platinum award which she received in ASAP which seals if not certify her stature as a "singer."

Oh well, forget about Gretchen and her futile attempt to become the new songbird. I just have to rant how terribly bored I am. I've spent the whole night and the whole day with no one to talk to but a mischievous and practivally useless cat and a 14-inch television which, unfortunately, is only capable of airing two channels. Yes, it's the Kapuso and the Kapamilya networks. So it's a smorgasboard of local shows for me today. Can you believe it? I am actually watching animes!

Grace is in Bicol and is currently incommunicado. I don't know if it is the Sun signal to be blamed for this or she was just really busy hopping around the region taking tons of pictures. Allen is, well, busy with two big Cs...church and chores. CA, Grace's cousin who is also my housemate, went to their company outing in Bataan. This is the reason why I feel so suddenly alone.

I took a day off to attend to an appointment which happens to be in the wee hours of the afternoon. I should have took just half of the day off but I am not quite sure if I would be able to leave the office once I was pulled in to a meeting so I decided to take the whole day off.

I spent half of my day doing some chores and yes, watching local shows, which, to my dismay, only added up the stress I am already into. Depression hit me early this evening when I woke up with the whole house enveloped in darkness and all I can hear was purring of our useless cat. This is pathetic. My head is aching for the untimely nap, I was practicallyliterally swimming in sweat and my stomach is grumbling of hunger.

Again, the loneliness kills me. Early birthday blues ba ito? Beats me. All I knew is I hated the sinking feeling that loneliness for this day brought about. So near yet so far. I know that the people I yearn to be with are just a text message away but somehow, it feels like they are in a different dimension. On a different plane.

Tomorrow is gonna be another day. I'm back to work and hopefully, it spells payday for all of us. I also hope I could find that damn postcard I was looking for so I can finally settle my clearance with my former company. And yes, I wish I can spend quality time with you know who. I really could use a hug right at this moment.

Birthday Wishlist

2009-03-25T12:46:00.000+08:00

Alam ko. March pa lang kaya matagal pa ang birthday ko. Bukas eksaktong one month bago ang birthday ko. Ayan mahaba-haba pa ang time para mag-ipon kayo ng panregalo sa akin. Hehehe!

1. postcard ng kahit na sinong sultan except Sultan Kudarat

2. USB flash drive (4GB)

3. Parker Pen

4. Veronika Decides to Die (Paulo Coelho)

5. Para Kay B (Ricky Lee)

6. SD card (1 or 2 GB)

7. T-shirt na Coke (siguruhing kasya sa akin ha! saka ung kulay violet)

8. flipflops (mas maganda kung Havaiannas...choosy! hehehe!)

9. Make up...eyeshadow set

10. silver earrings (iyong bonggang-bongga)

11. new pair of eyeglasses

12. Victoria's Secret body spray (Romantic Wish)

13. skirt

14. white blouse

15. pillows

16. Swatch (kung galante kayo...hehehe!)

17. cute na bag (iyong kasya buong bahay namin)

18. cute na pouch or clutch bag

19. Overnight stay sa The Boutique sa Tagaytay o kaya sa Royal Taal Inn ba iyon...

20. Trip to Bora (for two ha...demanding! hehehe!)

21. cheapest colored Nokia phone (pang-extra phone lang...hehehe!)

22. PSP

23. bonggang-bonggang headset kagaya nung binigay sa akin ni Mocs dati na wala na sa akin ngayon

24. Trip to Enchanted Kingdom para sumakay ng Wheel of Fate (giant ferris wheel) at manood ng fireworks display

25. gift certificate sa isang bonggang-bonggang spa

26. carbonarra (hindi iyong nabibili kundi iyong specially made ng isang tao diyan. hehehe!)

27. isang bote ng Jose Cuervo o kaya Baileys (tagal ko ng hindi nakakatikim nito)

28. Jollibee doll

29. case ng yosi iyong kasya isang kaha

30. Francis M shirt

31. DVD player

32. mouse pad iyong may jelly na patungan ng wrist

33. malaking bote ng Nivea White Milk lotion

34. Mtich Albom's Book (Tuesdays with Morrie, Five People You Meet in Heaven, For One More Day)

35. Bob Ong's ABNKKBSNPLAKO, Alamat ng Gubat and MacArthur

36. bean bag

37. digital frame

38. fireworks

39. rubber shoes (iyong pwede sa mga taraflex court...as if nagba-badminton pa ako. hehehe!)

40. skorts for badminton

41. isang box ng puting panyo

42. gift certificate sa F salon...pamparebond (hehehe!)

43. Chicago Manual of Style

44. swimsuit...two piece ha...(o, walang kokontra! hehehe!)

45. world peace (o di ba? sash na lang ang kulang! hehehe!)

Random Thoughts: Horrors of Rush Hour

2009-03-25T05:11:00.000+08:00

- I was almost late. Good thing I was able to catch the elevator and logged in right on time. Talk about buzzer beaters.

- Makati is killing me! It's been six months since I've been working here and I can't seem to adjust with the horrors of travelling from QC to Makati and vice versa. I've taken all the possible route hoping to find the happiest way to Makati. Meaning, reaching Makati stress free. But my attempts remain to be futile. There is just no easy way to get to Makati's heart.

- Speaking of futile attempts, I still am in a wild goose chase in finding those damn postcards for my clearance. At this point, I only need one more postcard. The rarest and hardest to find - a postcard of Rajah Soliman. Unfortunately, after searching five branches of National Bookstore, I still can't find one. The librarian just told me to look for any postcards of sultans except for Sultan Kudarat, which she already has tons of pictures of. So, good luck to my postcard search.

- I was supposed to do the laundry last night but I was too tired to do it. I badly need some of the clothes that have been in the clothes hamper for a week now. I wish I could find time to do it tonight. Or better yet, I wish someone would be kind enough to do it for me. Attention: Knight with a shining batya and palanggana urgently needed! (Just kidding! Hehehe!)

- My curls are coming out. One look at the mirror and all I can see are those waves peeping out of my still stick-straight, rebonded hair. Now I badly need another rebonding session.

- It was so damn hot last night, I had a hard time sleeping. Now, I miss my Tita's air-conditioned room. It's gonna be a sizzling summer. Good thing I will be moving back home...back to that air-conditioned room. Thank God!

- Leaving. Yes, I am still contemplating. I am still having second thoughts. And yes, I am still being stubborn about all these. It is so hard to leave and move out of your comfort zone. There is where my heart is.

- Notice the frequent blogs? I don't know but I'm in really in the mood for blogging these past few days. I guess I miss writing that much.

- Another futile attempt: I can't seem to find Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die. How sad!

- I can't wait for April to begin so I can post my birthday wishlist. But do I really need to wait for April. Alright, I might upload it soon. I've been writing it down on my notebook and the list goes on and on. Oh, well...I just wish someone with a kind and enormously big heart would wanna make those wishes come true. (hehehe!)

- For what it's worth...have a nice day everyone! :)

Letsugas na Postcards!

2009-03-24T05:02:00.000+08:00

In fairness, hindi naman ako na-late ngayon umaga. Kahit na inis na inis ako sa driver nung FX na nasakyan ko. Nawili kasi ako sa komportableng byahe papasok kahapon kaya sinubukan kong ulitin kanina. Okey naman. Komportable pa rin. Nag-init lang ang ulo ko sa driver kasi dumaan siya sa EDSA at sinagupa ang monstrous traffic. Alam naman niya kung gaano ka-traffic dun, hindi pa siya umiba ng daan. Hindi siya masyadong creative sa ruta. Hindi kagaya nung driver ng van na nasakyan ko kahapon. Marami siyang alam na way kaya we were in Makati in no time. Kung may kotse lang sana ako. Ngayon pa na nadiskubre ko na ang rutang effective pa-Makati.

Isa pang nagpainit ng ulo ko ngayon umaga. Ang mga letsugas na postcards. I've been to National Bookstore: Cubao, Trinoma, SM Centerpoint, Quezon Ave., and Glorietta. Pero wala pa rin akong mahanap na postcard. I need postcards of Jose Rizal, Manuel Quezon, Joseph Estrada, and Rajah Soliman to complete the processing of my clearance at my former company. Pero puro black and white postcards na lang ang available. At wala pa si Rajah Soliman. It was then that I realized na hindi na pala sila masyadong gumagawa ng postcards about presidents and heroes. Puro postcards lang ng mga beautiful tourist spots sa Pilipinas.

Nung elementary ako, isa sa mga naging project namin iyong paggawa ng clippings ng pictures ng mga bayani ng Pilipinas. Tapos ang laging ginagamit namin, postcards. Pupunta kami sa National at bibili ng sandamakmak ng postcards. Tapos kokopyahin namin iyong biography nung bayani na nakasulat sa postcard. Handwritten na copy-paste. Low tech na plagiarism. Hehehe!

Tapos sa nung sumunod na taon, ginamit nung pinsan kong mas bata sa akin iyong project na ipinasa ko na. Ginupit lang niya iyong mga postcards at kinopya ulit iyong biography. O di ba? Resourceful! Isa siyang tagapagmana...tagapagmana ng project!

How I wish buhay pa iyong project ko na iyon ngayon. Ngayon na super kailangan ko ng postcard. Letsugas talaga!

Random Thoughts: Happy Monday

2009-03-23T05:19:00.000+08:00

- Saturday Summary: Went to Central, CWS Meeting @ BagoBantay, Trinoma with Meann, SM Centerpoint and Bulalohan with Allen and Ariane.

- Sunday Summary: Attended worship service, attended CWS, meeting with co-officers in CWS, went to the salon to have my haircut and footspa, went out for dinner and coffee with Eden.

- End result: Sleepy on a Monday Morning.

- I discovered a new route today. Sumakay ako ng van dun sa tapat ng McDo EDSA-Q.Ave. Puyat kasi ako at parang gusto ko ng komportableng byahe kaya nag-try akong mag-van. Medyo mahal nga lang siya than the usual pamasahe ko everyday. Okey naman ang route. Hindi naman ako na-late. Iyon nga lang kung kagaya kong tipid mode, medyo nakakadeplete siya ng laman ng wallet.

- Eden and I went out last night. Nagkita kami sa apartment niya. Tapos nag-dinner sa Mang Inasal sa Morato at nagkape sa Starbucks. We stayed until around 2am. Mahaba-habang kwentuhan dahil ang tagal na naming hindi nagkikita. I missed those moments with her kaya super enjoy rin ako sa hang out session namin.

- I cut a few inches off my hair. I now miss my long hair.

- Letsugas na postcard! Kumpleto ko na iyong kulang kong book sa library. Pero iyong postcard wala akong mahanap. I went bookstore-hopping over the weekend at talagang wala akong mahanap na postcard. Kumusta na naman ang clearance ko?

- Listening to DJs yakking early in morning is addictive.

- Tipid mode ulit. Malapit na ang birthday ko. Kailangang mayaman ako that day!

- Summer na. Sobrang init! Ang hirap matulog.

- I miss Bora. I wanna go back there. Crossing my fingers now.

- Religiously using my planner. O di ba, nagpaplano na ako? Bago iyon!

- Keeping track of my absences. Convincing myself that it's a five-day work week.

- Ano na kayang nangyari sa DOLE? Hi, Lites!

- After spending some time bookstore hopping, I realized how much I miss reading and most of all, writing. Sana makapagsulat ulit ako ng nobela.

- Wala na akong makitang Veronika Decides to Die ni Paulo Coelho. Huhuhu!

- I miss Bob Ong. Kailan kaya siya maglalabas ng bagong book?

- Ang haba na ng shopping list sa utak ko. Reminder: Tipid Mode!

- One week vacation sa Holy Week. Time to move out. How sad!

- I'm gonna miss Galas. Lahat sila. I wish I could stay. If only I could.

- Lastly, have to remind myself...wag matigas ang ulo!

Multitasking

2009-03-18T10:20:00.002+08:00

I am reading the final proofs of Kinder Math while I was surfing the net and writing this blog. Talk about multitasking. I was reading May's blog. I never knew she had one. I have to remind myself to ask her permission so I can link her here in my blog.

My mind is also multitasking. As I think of countless things to do and matters to settle, it is also the 2nd Deadmahan day with Allen. Had a little pettiness going on right now with him and I really don't feel like talking. Although it makes me sad how he could also keep his silence for two consecutive days. Yeah, I know...ang pride chicken...bow. But I'd rather keep silent than speak up and utter words that would both hurt us. Things will be settled soon. Again, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I am just missing him so much these past two days. Hay...

I was late again for work. Damn, LRT. Oh well, damn that cold weather that keeps me tucked into my bed at 6:00am when I should be getting up by 5:30am. I know I have to drive myself back to punctuality before I become penniless again.

Speaking of penniless, my wallet is nearly in tears. My two ATM cards are grumpy these days, reflecting both 60.00 account balance. I cannot even withdraw them for goodness' sake! I do wish payday comes in this week or I'll be starving and literally walking my way to work.

I miss Vibal again. I miss Mox and Joan. I miss the SD gang. I miss the early morning banters...chakahan moments na ang palaging biktima ay kundi si Jordan...eh si Dong. I only get to talk with them through Twitter, Multiply and Facebook. Thank God for the Internet.

I miss Eden too. I know I owe her big time. I was kinda busy these past few days with work, my life and Ariane's thesis. We had a lot of catching up things to do. Hopefully I could find the means to meet up with you again.

For the nth time, I miss Grace again. I miss going home with you every night. I miss our dinners together. I miss the endless arguments and banters at night when we are both too stressed out to even tolerate each other. I miss sleeping with you around. I miss waking up and spending a few minutes on our morning chats which is often the reason why I am late for work...hehehe! I miss you, sis. I really do. Tears are gonna fall any moment just thinking about it. The house really, really feels empty without you. And it does feel so cold and lonely most of the time.

I wonder what happened to Ariane's defense yesterday. I've been helping her out with her thesis for a couple of months now, spending sleepless nights writing and figuring out how to do a research about education. It was tiring but fulfilling. I felt like I was a student again. Plus, I gained a new friend. Another ally...to your twin's dismay. Hehehe! Just kidding! I wish your thesis went well.

Oh well, I better go back to work. I've got to keep myself busy. Have to convince myself to STAY FOCUSED.