Random Thoughts: Inaantok

1. Woke up at 5:30 am. Did the laundry while having coffee and yosi. Did the dishes, ironed clothes, ate crackers for breakfast on an FX while chatting with Ka Grace. Multitasking morning.
2. Playing Mafia Wars.
3. I miss Jamby and Moxy.
4. Trying to find a good printer for this.
5. Just finished eating lunch.
6. Sakit ng katawan ko and the cold is not helping me at all.
7. Can't wait for sweldo. Need to go shopping na for Pasalamat.
8. Panata nights ulit.
9. Missing Allen kahit magkasama naman kagabi.
10. I was lying in bed and trying to relax pagkatapos ng stressful na byahe pauwi when Allen called me up. Buksan ko raw ang pinto at andun siya sa baba. Dinadalaw daw ako. Naks, bago iyon ah! Hehehe! Kilig moment.
11. Had a lovely dinner with Allen last night.
12. MRT was kind to me today. Hindi masyado siksikan. At in fairness, hindi ako na-late.
13. Birthday pala ni Jamby sa Pasalamat ng PNK. Hapi birthday, Badet.
14. Can't wait for July 18. For so many reasons.
15. Parang gusto kong manood ng BoyzIIMen Concert.
16. Pero parang mas gusto kong manood ng Harry Potter sa Thursday night.

Ten Months

I got three words in my mind right now...i love you :)

Sad Movies Make Me Cry

I was trying so hard not to let Allen see the tears kaya matagal pa bago napunasan ang mga luha ko while watching Ice Age 3. I was melodramatic over that scene sa simula ng movie when Diego, the sabertooth tiger, tells Sid that they have to move on dahil may iba nang priorities si Manny.

Manny builds his new family. A perfect life that drove off his friends. Somehow, naka-relate ako sa sinabi ni Diego. After my bestfriend's wedding, I felt the same way. When the excitement wears off, when the adrenalin rush of the wedding preparations ended, I was left alone in a room we used to share with nothing but myself. The whole house had this eerie silence that drove me crazy. And yes, tears are falling in the middle of the night.

Wala na nga tears ngayon. Pero siyempre, namimiss ko pa rin ang bestfriend ko. Namimiss ko pa rin the good times we had. Last March was my first Santacena without her. This July would be my first Pasalamat without her. And yes, I would be attending panata all by myself now. Wala na ang partner in crime ko.

For a couple of weeks, people kept on commenting...o, wala na iyong partner mo. O, bakit mag-isa ka na? It was like adding insult to injury. Gusto kong mainis nun kasi obvious na nga na mag-isa ka na, pinagdidiinan pa. Oh well, I get used to it naman.

But yes, last night, I missed my bestfriend. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko iyong kasama ko manood kagabi. Super love ko kaya ang movie nights namin together. It's just that, I miss movie nights with Grace.

Random Thoughts: No More Bad Hair Days

1. Got my hair rebonded again. Yey! No more bad hair days.
2. Late ako kanina. Bad trip! Ang shunga kasi nung driver. Kung san traffic, dun talaga dumaan.
3. Bakit mo ba ako pinepressure solusyunan ang isang problema na ikaw naman ang nag-umpisa? Hindi mo nga yan nasolusyunan noon. Then don't pressure me into solving it today. Hindi ako janitor fish na tagalinis ng mga dumi mo no!
4. Oh well, typical Monday.
5. Happy birthday, Andrew...kahit hindi mo naman mababasa ito.
6. Belated happy birthday, She and Dei. Huli man daw at magaling, huli pa rin.
7. She, malapit na ang kasal mo. We really need to go into the details na para maiayos na natin ang lahat.
8. Another wedding in the barkada...wedding planning powers....needed again in here.
9. Bakit ba kayo lahat nagpapakasal? Nakaka-pressure na kayo ha! Hehehe!
10. Hindi, joke lang. The least I wanted right now is pressure.
11. Happy to be with you. With you to be happy.
12. Broke but not broken...well, at least may iba naman.
13. I am looking back to those years...and yes, I will always be thankful.
14. Discipline. That's a word I need to be familiarized with.
15. Discipline. Yes...kailangan talagang maging close kami ng word na ito.
16. Discipline....sige pa.
17. Ganun pala ang feeling na makita ang sarili mo sa iba. Nakakarelate ako sa kanya. Bigyan mo siya ng chance. Hindi ganung kadali ang makiharap at makisama sa mga taong ngayon mo pa lang nakilala.
18. Watched Ice Age 3 last night with Allen. Promise, naiyak ako. Basta...

To Benjie...

Ayan, ikaw talaga ang title ng blog post na ito. Hehehe! Erratum po ito for the mistyped name of Benjielito Pacson sa post ko entitled, Post Birthday, which I posted las April ata, I think. Benjielito Cajucom ang nai-type ko. Dapat Benjielito Pacson. Sorry po. Magkasunod kasi kayo ni Kuya Roy. Hehehe!

Natawa lang ako when Benjie approached me yesterday at church telling me that I had his name all wrong on my blog. Question mark flew around my face. Anong blog?

Sobrang ancient times ago pa when I last posted here at nakalimutan ko nang may blog nga pala ako. I also saw a former schoolmate's comment on the same post asking who I am and if she knows me. Natuwa ako sa post niya kasi napadpad siya sa walang kakwenta-kwentang blog na ito. Nalungkot lang ako kasi parang hindi ata siya natuwa sa post ko at talagang tinanong niya pa kung sino ako. I guess, when someone thanks you for being a part of their life, hindi na ata kailangan ng maraming kwestyon pa. What matters is you made a mark on someone and it somehow made a difference in their life.

I was taken a back but flattered to find out that Benjie was reading my blog. Mukhang alam ko na kung sino ang source mo. Hehehe! But thank you for spending some time reading senseless post. Melodramatic most of the times pero mas madalas puro kalokohan lang. Hindi ko masyadong pinagkakalat ang blog na ito. I have been keeping this for three of four years na ata. This is my outlet, my diversion of whatever is in my mind. Welcome to the world of me...

Hindi ako perpektong tao. For those of you na kilala ako in person at napadpad kayo sa blog na ito, you might find this side of me a little bit different from the me that you know. Oh well...I am a complicated person with a complicated mind, living a complicated life in a complicated world. Puro complicated. Puro komplikasyon. Kaya pati ang utak ko nagkakaron ng komplikasyon.

My opinions and views maybe a little bit different from yours. At yes, tao ako...nagmumura, nagbibisyo, nasasaktan, nafru-frustrate, nagagalit, naiinis, nababaliw, naiinlove...and yes...I could be cheezyyy!

Natatawa lang ako as I trace back all the blog years that has passed. I know reading this blog will be one hell of a task. Dahil for those several years, talagang ibang-iba ang takbo ng pag-uutak ko. And this will always be me. And I will always be a figment of your imagination.

Thanks, Benjie, Meann, Moxy, Grace, Eden, Jamby, Earlie, Godo, Arlene at sa marami pang matiyagang nagbabasa ng mga kalokohan ko. Namimiss ko ang mga namimiss ko. Kitakits na lang po tayo.

Random Thoughts: On A Sunday Night

1. I made a checklist of one month worth of gifts for the birthday boy and I'm on my way into completing it. Yey!
2. I miss Moxy and Jamby.
3. Adik na naman kami sa Pet Society at Restaurant City kaya gabi na nasa rentals pa.
4. Michael Jackson's gone. Sad. Just sad.
5. MOnday na naman bukas. Kainis.
6. I'm nearly broke. Need to really, really save.
7. Magulo buhay ko ngayon. At nagugutom ako.

Motionless

I opened my eyes and there you were…lying still beside me. Motionless.

I looked at your lovely face. I was trying to memorize every trace, every curve, every line. Dahil ni minsan, ayokong iwaglit sa aking isipan ang lahat ng ito. Kung sana lang manatiling ganito na lang tayo.

I reached out to you and you pulled me close into your arms. I felt the warmth of your arms around me. Tamang-tama dahil maginaw. Nagsumiksik ako sa iyong tabi. Parang batang naghahanap ng masusulingan. And there I found my solace. My sanctuary. My resting place.

I can hear you heart beating. I can feel you heaving every breath. Life. A life, a moment. Is this ours?

Ewan ko. At nananatiling ito ang sagot. Dahil ang bawat sandali ay nananatiling bahagi lang ng aking alaala. At sa tuwina, hindi ko mapigilan ang mangarap. Mangarap na sana bukas ganito pa rin tayo. Na sana ganito tayo sa bawat umagang darating.

Then tears welled up my eyes. Pinigil kong mapahikbi. Pinigil ko ang bawat paggalaw. Dahil ayokong makita mo. Ayokong malaman mo…ang tunay na nararamdaman ko.

Ayokong malaman mo kung gaano ako katakot ngayon. I have never been this afraid in my life. Mas matindi pa ito sa pagsakay ng bangka, sa pagtawid ng tulay, sa blood testing, sa injection o sa mga bagay na nagdadala ng matinding takot sa akin.

Matindi pa ito sa takot ko tuwing tumatakas ako sa bahay. Sa takot ko tuwing mauubusan ako ng pera o mawawalan ng sweldo. Ang takot na ito ay yumayanig sa buo kong pagkatao. At nanatili sa isipan ko sa bawat sandali ng buhay ko.

Natatakot ako sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Natatakot ako dahil tinatangay ako nito patungo sa lugar na hindi ko alam kung saan. Natatakot ako kasi nagsisimula na akong mangarap...mangarap ng isang buhay na kasama ka. Natatakot ako kasi nagsisimula na akong umasa...that this is gonna be forever.

Natatakot ako kasi maraming bagay pa ang walang kasiguruhan sa buhay ko. Maski ikaw. Hindi ako sigurado sa iyo. Paano kung bukas paggising ko, wala ka na sa tabi ko? Paano kung ang pinapangarap ko ay hindi naman pala pareho ng inaasam mo? Paano kung ang nararamdaman natin ay hindi magkatagpo?

Ang daming tanong. Ang daming paano kung…what ifs…Nabibingi na ako. Nakukurta na ang utak ko kakaisip. At hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-alinlangan. At muli bumabalik sa akin ang takot kong masaktan. Dahil mas lalong hindi ko na kaya ngayon ang mabuhay ng wala ka.

Dahil nasanay na akong merong isang ikaw. Nasanay na akong nariyan ka. Nasanay na akong intindihin ka. Nasanay na akong hanapin ka. Nasanay na akong tawagin ka.

Nasanay na akong mahalin ka.

Thank You

Thank you. Thank you for making me happy. Because there have been a time in my life that I felt I don’t deserve to be happy.

I was never a perfect person. I have committed so many mistakes in my life. I am so fucking messed up that until now I still have no idea how I am gonna fix things up. I have been a failure, a loser…a total idiot. I have put myself in humiliation for several times already. Little things may seem harmless, but when they pile up, they become a tremendous avalanche.

Thank you for making me realize that I need to fix this. Change is a choice one has to make…not for anybody else but for himself. We need to be better persons not because someone asked us to be so…but because it’s our own obligation to ourselves.

I chose to change for the better. Not entirely because of you. But you added up to the top five reasons why I should. And that weighs a lot for me. Honestly, it is never gonna be easy. Fixing things might mean being away. Changing for the better might mean sacrificing. But whether we made it through this or not…I still owe you this.

Thank you for reaffirming me that I made the right decision. It was a decision that took me a long while to take. A decision I thought I was brave enough to take until I came to this point. When you have to stand up against your own family, against the people that love you…when they can’t seem to understand and accept…you were there.

Thank you. Because I know you understand. Because I know you accept. Because I know you are backing me up.

Thank you for being a good friend. We weren’t given a chance to be friends before. But it was never too late for that. We are not exactly just mere “friends” now but I appreciate all the laughs, the good times…and the moments when we would end up finishing each other’s sentence or just hanging out. I appreciate the comfort you gave me whenever you are around. When I’m with you, I can be myself and don’t give a damn about everything.

Thank you for making me feel that I belong. I appreciate the times you would welcome me into your family. Yes, I do feel awkward and shy at times. I still have a long way to go to be comfortable with all these. But everything starts with a single step. The moment I first took the steps on your stairway, made me realize that this might be my home. Could be… and hopefully, will be. Everything’s bound to happen.

Thank you for making me believe into something I never thought I needed. Thank you for making me realize that every person was given a heart for a reason. That its every beat breaths life. That I can never survive if it stops beating.

Thank you for making me realize that this exist. That this could happen to me and that this could make me happy.

Thank you for being an answer to my prayers. For conquering my fears, for pushing my doubts aside and for proving me wrong…

Thank you for this…090708… happy 9th!

8…

Crossing the Road

It was a route I seldom take. Actually, it is a road I have never been through in my life. The crossroad from where I once stood is an unfamiliar journey for me.

I admit. I am a nonbeliever. I am a pessimist. A cynic...of that one very precious thing that I thought only exists in fairy tales.Until destiny played its wicked joke on me. I soon found myself captivated...owned and possessed by that one thing I refuse to believe. The nonbeliever became a convert.

Once again, I witnessed how love conquers everything. How the seemingly end of it never came to be...

Happiness became so elusive from me for these past several days. I must admit that those were one of the most agonizing moments of my life.

"Magsimula tayo ulit..." these were the words that echoed through my heart. It would probably be the sweetest thing that I heard at that moment. I was bent on saying goodbye. I was bent on closing the door. But that ray of hope engulfed me and taught me that life will always be a cycle. That beautiful things never really have to end. They just have to rejuvenate...to maintain its serenity...to maintain its majesty.

This is where I belong. Beside you. In your arms. Taking this journey with you holding my hands gives me a better view of things to come. And yes, I will, admit, the ambiguity and uncertainness of what lies ahead continues to scare me. But I have my faith. I have my faith in you. Somehow, you may not know this...but I feel stronger knowing you are on my side. And for that, I will always be grateful.

More importantly, this has become a wonderful friendship. I am more comfortable with you now more than ever. I am more eloquent in sharing my thoughts and expressing what I feel. I am more at ease with you in awkward situations. I am more willing to share these moments with you than anyone else. And for all it's worth...yes, I love you.

This journey had thought me a lot. For one, it made me realize who my true friends are. Those who wouldn't buy my "Okey lang ako..." statement. Those who could see right through me. That even though I cracked a couple of jokes once in a while and laughed at funny things, they know that it was all just a facade. That there's a more deeper emotion underneath that surface. I appreciate all the concern. I really do. The fact that you were bothered by the way I acted showed me how you guys really know me. I am sorry if I had not been able to tell the story. The whole story. I hope you understand that I kept my silence to keep matters from being complicated. All the words left unspoken will forever remain unspoken. But I will be eternally grateful to all of you for respecting that.